crackerjack
Reviewer
- Joined
- Dec 21, 2009
- Messages
- 135
Gawd I luv titties!
I especially luv SUPERSIZED TITTIES! Needless to say, my little bed wetting friend (aka Lil’Head) has been marinating in a mood for mayhem after spying a pair of TITANIC sized monster boobs. However; given the young lady’s limited schedule; it has been all but impossible to coordinate a rendezvous,,,,until now. Feeling a might concerned ‘bout the monkly existence of my lil one-eyed digit ,,,,I blinked. Downed a handful of blue pills to keep the boy at full throttle and we were out the front porch on another reckless manwhoring adventure in downtown Toryville.
Damn door code repeatedly failed and cellphone reception was non-existent. After waiting an eternity, managed to tailgate a visitor thru the main door and hightail it into an open elevator before security was hot on my heels. Damn thing went straight to the parking garage,,,,PHUCK! On the return trip, swear it stopped on every floor. Seven minutes later and totally frazzled,,, knocked on milady’s humble abode.
Was greeted by a tall, long-legged “dark berry” semi-clad in Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret. Obvious her “girls” were excited to see me as they were bursting forth from their over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. Not so certain ‘bout the rest of her given the phlegmatic greeting. Decided to pooo-poo it off and with renewed vigour,,, bolted for the john’s john to polish the cock and balls to a luster. Hopped outta the tub and bee-lined it back to the sin bin feeling like an 18 year old (which she is?)
Started off with some idle chit-chat. She replied in one word responses which dead-ended in crickets chirping. Hookay,,,,enough verbal foreplay and leaned in to trade spit. Was met with a couple of barely tolerated LK pecks. She unholstered the twins from their lacey confines,,,, spilling them forth in all their G-cup glory. I suffered a momentary loss of vital signs at the sights. Stared back like a proper slack-jawed gawker at a MAGNIFICENT pair of trophies. And with careless abandon I was all over Renee like white on rice,,,,,(errr,,,,,,ok,,,, bad analogy). Licking ,,,,, sucking ,,,,, followed up with ,,,,well,,,,,, more licking and sucking. Tongue’d my way south – over her mammaries, tummy, pubes and lingered inside her thighs all the while gingerly kissing her nether region. The whole time she laid there in some motionless corpse like trance.
Plan B - unleashed fiendish fingers,,,, wandering downwards for a deep massaging of the girly unmentionables; even giving her a fat-finger-phucking. Pushed her legs apart for some DATY hijinx in the deep end of her (Y) applying copious amounts of cunning cunningitis. ZERO RESPONSE!!! WTF???!!! Swear I was DATY’ing a dead codfish (minus the odour). There was NOTHING from her,,,,no flinching,,,,no scratching,,,,no floating an air biscuit. Fearing our lovely G-cup curmudgeon may have departed the land of the living - felt for a pulse. Heaved a major sigh of relief to find a beat; otherwise no sign of life.
AND I SHAVE MY BALLS FOR THIS???!!!
We switch-er-roo’d sides of the mattress as she assumed missionary.
(Now missionary has got to be the worst position in all of phucking. The tits go flat, you can’t grab any ass and I have to do all the humping)
In any event I pryed her legs apart and parked the boy in her boner garage. The expression on her face was,,,,well,,,,, EXPRESSIONLESS!!! Swear she was counting sheep or simply enduring the ill-fated moment visualizing a poster of Brad Pitt’s schlong. With Lil’Head giving her a solid defrocking,,,,and in spite of her poker face,,,,, the lad miraculously squeezed off a round into an otherwise plastic life form.
Gentlemen……….By the Numbers:
Face: 7.5
Clear complexion, full lips, dark orb shaped eyes framed with braided looooonnngg black hair reaching for the crack of her ass duly noted. Cannot with all honesty say you would rubber-neck her while whizzing thru the Eaton’s Centre on pecker patrol. Pretty much your average chocolate chip chick next door. HOWEVER,,,,whatever she lacks in this dept,,,,sure makes up for in the next…….
Body: 9.5
THEY ACTUALLY BUILD WOMEN LIKE THIS???!!!
Guesstimating 5’7”; barely 20something with a bod dipped in molasses. Hardly topping the scales at 120 lbs of which half that was all TITS! And speaking of said mammaries,,,, was introduced to a lip stretching pair of planets. Gotta be the brest, blest,,,,,err,,,,best breasts in the biz. A per-perfect pair of au naturale G-cup megatits with lovely areolas capped off with itsy-bitsy nipples (non-sensitive). Not exactly a pert set of ta-ta’s but definitely FIRRRRRRRRMMMMM as only youthfulness can provide. PPHHEWW!!! A sight to hold and behold.
Rest of the package was pretty damn sweet too. Cannot pinch an inch on this semi-spinner body. All tight curves wedged into a sleek physique ,,,just half a bubble off Barbie Doll genetics. Naturally tight - no chub-rub from this young lassy - sporting granite bubble-butt cheeks capable of cracking walnuts. And legggggssssss! A loooonnnnngggggg slender set of gamms that could wrap ‘round you like a well worn tire (which she did not – sigh). Built with a tiny waistline that I could almost wrap my thumb and forefinger ‘round too. No hideous tats noted but her navel was accessorized with enough metal to crush a SMART car.
Personality: 5
Probably a nice enough chick outside the subculture but not terribly interactive overall. Not one to be accused of yak-oholism. An island unto herself if I may wax poetically. Super quiet girl which is a fine wifey attribute after 20 years of matrimonial distress; but for fantasy purposes it was a challenge to make any form of humanoid connection.
Session (GFE/PSE Fun Factor): 4.
Given her Johnson killing mood and man repellent reluctance to engage in conversation; an awkwardness prevailed throughout. Worst still was her frigid, rigid, “deer-in-the-headlights” performance during the dirty deed. Not a whine, cry, sniffle, snivel, sob, moan, bleat, meow, wail, groan did she utter. No hint of body language noted despite my most perverted of efforts.
Facilities: 5
Wasted precious minutes courtesy of one F*(&k’n main door system. And a lack of cellphone reception made calling CAA for their “locked-out” service futile. Cramped quarters upstairs. Though I do not recommend it – no space to swing a cat by the tail in the room. Cleanliness of the bathroom was acceptable but not exceptional. Accoutrements included mouthwash and lovely big fluffy bath towels sans any evidence of skid marks across the laundry.
Losses:
A wallet phucking $140 for $60 worth of sheet staining fun. WWWAAAAYYYY overpriced!
Repeat:
There may be sound, prudent reasons for buying a $2.5mil Bugatti Veyron. There may be sound, prudent reasons for marrying a 22-year-old exotic dancer with substance abuse issues. And there may be sound, prudent reasons for repeating. But I cannot think of any.
Closing Arguments:
DFK – zilch
LFK – nada
LK – barely stomached
Now let me be clear as a glass of gin. At no time did Renee go all FemiNazi or project that ‘holier-than-thou’ fembot attitude. And after we finished bumping the ugly parts together she did verbally perk up later. However; imho, she could put a wee bit ,,,,errrr,,,,,,major bit of “girlfriend” back in GFE as her GFE skills are slightly less rare than a Sasquatch sighting. Upon leaving, I leaned in to offer a kiss goodbye but was rewarded with the dreaded head turn. AARRGGGHHH!!!
Grieves me to admit,,,, was a ho-hum session with a young lady offering no real substance. Not a shred of passion or intensity was noted. Maybe it was shyness related, or she’s just not into small cocks, or maybe she was all sexed out for the day.
Sooooooooo,,,if you are in dire need to get the horn scraped ,,,,
-and if you are blessed to be burdened with a titty addiction affliction
-and crave a chick who offers up permissiveness without affection
-then she’s your girl.
But for yours truly,,,, it would have been more exciting to have my way with that bikini clad mannequin in The Bay’s display window at Yonge & Queen.
Hmmmm,,,,, stay tuned for that review.
Gentlemen, it’s the kid’s inheritance. Be careful out there!
Good day and good farmin’
I especially luv SUPERSIZED TITTIES! Needless to say, my little bed wetting friend (aka Lil’Head) has been marinating in a mood for mayhem after spying a pair of TITANIC sized monster boobs. However; given the young lady’s limited schedule; it has been all but impossible to coordinate a rendezvous,,,,until now. Feeling a might concerned ‘bout the monkly existence of my lil one-eyed digit ,,,,I blinked. Downed a handful of blue pills to keep the boy at full throttle and we were out the front porch on another reckless manwhoring adventure in downtown Toryville.
Damn door code repeatedly failed and cellphone reception was non-existent. After waiting an eternity, managed to tailgate a visitor thru the main door and hightail it into an open elevator before security was hot on my heels. Damn thing went straight to the parking garage,,,,PHUCK! On the return trip, swear it stopped on every floor. Seven minutes later and totally frazzled,,, knocked on milady’s humble abode.
Was greeted by a tall, long-legged “dark berry” semi-clad in Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret. Obvious her “girls” were excited to see me as they were bursting forth from their over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. Not so certain ‘bout the rest of her given the phlegmatic greeting. Decided to pooo-poo it off and with renewed vigour,,, bolted for the john’s john to polish the cock and balls to a luster. Hopped outta the tub and bee-lined it back to the sin bin feeling like an 18 year old (which she is?)
Started off with some idle chit-chat. She replied in one word responses which dead-ended in crickets chirping. Hookay,,,,enough verbal foreplay and leaned in to trade spit. Was met with a couple of barely tolerated LK pecks. She unholstered the twins from their lacey confines,,,, spilling them forth in all their G-cup glory. I suffered a momentary loss of vital signs at the sights. Stared back like a proper slack-jawed gawker at a MAGNIFICENT pair of trophies. And with careless abandon I was all over Renee like white on rice,,,,,(errr,,,,,,ok,,,, bad analogy). Licking ,,,,, sucking ,,,,, followed up with ,,,,well,,,,,, more licking and sucking. Tongue’d my way south – over her mammaries, tummy, pubes and lingered inside her thighs all the while gingerly kissing her nether region. The whole time she laid there in some motionless corpse like trance.
Plan B - unleashed fiendish fingers,,,, wandering downwards for a deep massaging of the girly unmentionables; even giving her a fat-finger-phucking. Pushed her legs apart for some DATY hijinx in the deep end of her (Y) applying copious amounts of cunning cunningitis. ZERO RESPONSE!!! WTF???!!! Swear I was DATY’ing a dead codfish (minus the odour). There was NOTHING from her,,,,no flinching,,,,no scratching,,,,no floating an air biscuit. Fearing our lovely G-cup curmudgeon may have departed the land of the living - felt for a pulse. Heaved a major sigh of relief to find a beat; otherwise no sign of life.
AND I SHAVE MY BALLS FOR THIS???!!!
We switch-er-roo’d sides of the mattress as she assumed missionary.
(Now missionary has got to be the worst position in all of phucking. The tits go flat, you can’t grab any ass and I have to do all the humping)
In any event I pryed her legs apart and parked the boy in her boner garage. The expression on her face was,,,,well,,,,, EXPRESSIONLESS!!! Swear she was counting sheep or simply enduring the ill-fated moment visualizing a poster of Brad Pitt’s schlong. With Lil’Head giving her a solid defrocking,,,,and in spite of her poker face,,,,, the lad miraculously squeezed off a round into an otherwise plastic life form.
Gentlemen……….By the Numbers:
Face: 7.5
Clear complexion, full lips, dark orb shaped eyes framed with braided looooonnngg black hair reaching for the crack of her ass duly noted. Cannot with all honesty say you would rubber-neck her while whizzing thru the Eaton’s Centre on pecker patrol. Pretty much your average chocolate chip chick next door. HOWEVER,,,,whatever she lacks in this dept,,,,sure makes up for in the next…….
Body: 9.5
THEY ACTUALLY BUILD WOMEN LIKE THIS???!!!
Guesstimating 5’7”; barely 20something with a bod dipped in molasses. Hardly topping the scales at 120 lbs of which half that was all TITS! And speaking of said mammaries,,,, was introduced to a lip stretching pair of planets. Gotta be the brest, blest,,,,,err,,,,best breasts in the biz. A per-perfect pair of au naturale G-cup megatits with lovely areolas capped off with itsy-bitsy nipples (non-sensitive). Not exactly a pert set of ta-ta’s but definitely FIRRRRRRRRMMMMM as only youthfulness can provide. PPHHEWW!!! A sight to hold and behold.
Rest of the package was pretty damn sweet too. Cannot pinch an inch on this semi-spinner body. All tight curves wedged into a sleek physique ,,,just half a bubble off Barbie Doll genetics. Naturally tight - no chub-rub from this young lassy - sporting granite bubble-butt cheeks capable of cracking walnuts. And legggggssssss! A loooonnnnngggggg slender set of gamms that could wrap ‘round you like a well worn tire (which she did not – sigh). Built with a tiny waistline that I could almost wrap my thumb and forefinger ‘round too. No hideous tats noted but her navel was accessorized with enough metal to crush a SMART car.
Personality: 5
Probably a nice enough chick outside the subculture but not terribly interactive overall. Not one to be accused of yak-oholism. An island unto herself if I may wax poetically. Super quiet girl which is a fine wifey attribute after 20 years of matrimonial distress; but for fantasy purposes it was a challenge to make any form of humanoid connection.
Session (GFE/PSE Fun Factor): 4.
Given her Johnson killing mood and man repellent reluctance to engage in conversation; an awkwardness prevailed throughout. Worst still was her frigid, rigid, “deer-in-the-headlights” performance during the dirty deed. Not a whine, cry, sniffle, snivel, sob, moan, bleat, meow, wail, groan did she utter. No hint of body language noted despite my most perverted of efforts.
Facilities: 5
Wasted precious minutes courtesy of one F*(&k’n main door system. And a lack of cellphone reception made calling CAA for their “locked-out” service futile. Cramped quarters upstairs. Though I do not recommend it – no space to swing a cat by the tail in the room. Cleanliness of the bathroom was acceptable but not exceptional. Accoutrements included mouthwash and lovely big fluffy bath towels sans any evidence of skid marks across the laundry.
Losses:
A wallet phucking $140 for $60 worth of sheet staining fun. WWWAAAAYYYY overpriced!
Repeat:
There may be sound, prudent reasons for buying a $2.5mil Bugatti Veyron. There may be sound, prudent reasons for marrying a 22-year-old exotic dancer with substance abuse issues. And there may be sound, prudent reasons for repeating. But I cannot think of any.
Closing Arguments:
DFK – zilch
LFK – nada
LK – barely stomached
Now let me be clear as a glass of gin. At no time did Renee go all FemiNazi or project that ‘holier-than-thou’ fembot attitude. And after we finished bumping the ugly parts together she did verbally perk up later. However; imho, she could put a wee bit ,,,,errrr,,,,,,major bit of “girlfriend” back in GFE as her GFE skills are slightly less rare than a Sasquatch sighting. Upon leaving, I leaned in to offer a kiss goodbye but was rewarded with the dreaded head turn. AARRGGGHHH!!!
Grieves me to admit,,,, was a ho-hum session with a young lady offering no real substance. Not a shred of passion or intensity was noted. Maybe it was shyness related, or she’s just not into small cocks, or maybe she was all sexed out for the day.
Sooooooooo,,,if you are in dire need to get the horn scraped ,,,,
-and if you are blessed to be burdened with a titty addiction affliction
-and crave a chick who offers up permissiveness without affection
-then she’s your girl.
But for yours truly,,,, it would have been more exciting to have my way with that bikini clad mannequin in The Bay’s display window at Yonge & Queen.
Hmmmm,,,,, stay tuned for that review.
Gentlemen, it’s the kid’s inheritance. Be careful out there!
Good day and good farmin’
