Actor's funniest TV or Movie quotes.

[forestgrumpy]

I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".

George Costanza, Seinfeld.

 

[Hugojoe]

I don't believe in happy endings, but I do believe in happy travels, because ultimately, you die at a very young age, or you live long enough to watch your friends die. It's a mean thing, life.

George Clooney.

 

[Beenthere123]

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woddy Allen.

 

[Brad Pitt]

I said some funny things in my movie 'Fight Club', but too many dudes smacked me around the head during filming and I cannot remember any of them right now.

Brad

 

[randygirl]

"And as god as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!" - Arthur Carlson- "WKRP in Cincinnatti"

I haven't thought about this in a while! lmfao, one of the funniest tv moments! Priceless.

Thanks for reminding me, and putting a smile on my face.

 

[tboy]

they're REAL and they're SPECTACULAR......

NO SOUP FOR YOU!

and the ever popular:

Are you spongeworthy?

WKRP was great for one liners....who could forget:

We're definitely talking Cordoba!!!

 

[Friend of Greekster]

From Seinfeld.
"Dolores!"

 

[Cycleguy007]

Two and a half men has some GREAT one liners!

Lydia: (talking about her kids with Charlie) I'm very careful about who I expose them to.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Lydia: Charlie, please.
Charlie: Why can't I expose myself to your kids?


Evelyn: How many pieces of bacon are you going to eat?
Jake: My record's fourteen. I barfed, but it still counts.


Berta: Chose your words carefully, slim
Lydia: Slim? (laughs) Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?

 

[ChaosTheory]

 

[Johnnybehorny]

"I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch."

Jerry Seinfeld

 

[love exotics]

80's classic

bueller............bueller

 

[HOF]

"Up your nose with a rubber hose!" Vinnie Barbarino

 

[HOF]

Oh, Stifler's mom! Paul Finch! American Pie

 

[tboy]

how could we forget?

"who killed kenny"????

 

[frankpost]

The Buffalo Theory

The Buffalo Theory

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. So when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

The human brain works that way too. It only operates as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. So, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

~Cliff Clavin (from Cheers)

 

[frankpost]

MTV Reality Show "The Newlyweds"

MTV Reality Show "The Newlyweds"

“Simpson: Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says Chicken ... by the sea. Is that stupid? [Long pause, with Lachey giving Simpson a dirty look]
Simpson: What? Don’t make fun of me right now. I’m not in the mood.
Lachey: You act like you’ve never had tuna before.
Simpson: I’ve had tuna fish, like, sandwiches and stuff, like this.
Lachey: Baby, you and I have eaten tuna like this before.
Simpson: Why is it called "Chicken by the Sea" or "in the Sea"?
Lachey: "Chicken of the Sea" is the brand.
Simpson: Oh.
Lachey: You know, 'cause a lot of people eat tuna, it's like a lot of people eat chicken? So it's like the chicken of the sea.
Simpson: Okay. I understand now. I was ... I read it wrong.”

This is funny cuz it was not scripted!

 

[amber-jade]

 

[train]

Jack to Morgan Freeman in Bucket List

Jack to Morgan Freeman in Bucket List

"Somewhere some lucky bastard is dying of a heart attack"