W
Wanker
Guest
Did anyone attend it, did you see anyone you know?.
Oh, the yarns you hear at the Everything To Do With Sex Show... “I’m looking for Toronto Hookups,” says a Tinker Bell voice.
Suzie, the sex show greeter, looks up, startled.
All around are dildos, rubber dolls, hot models, swingers, whips, chains, latex, paddles and other things that go bang in the night.
Not much shocks Suzie. Last year, I wrote about her wedding in a dungeon, surrounded by spanking benches and other furniture favoured by her and mate/master John.
But this is new, even for Suzie, 41. Granny goes gonzo? “Toronto Hook-ups?” the voice pipes up again. It belongs to Annie Parrington, 70.
She is Christmas, strawberry socials and Sunday dinner rolled into one. She wears a blue butterfly dress, granny boots and a plush purple shawl. She smells cinnamony. Norman Rockwell would swoon.
Her head barely tops the info desk. Sexy Suzie scans the list of 140 booths. Toronto Hookups sure sounds like it belongs, but there’s nothing. Then it dawns. “Aha,” says Suzie. “You want the knitting show. It’s next door.”
And off trots Annie, chuckling, to join her fellow sewers, knitters and quilters at the Toronto Hookups crochet guild booth at the CreativFestival needlecraft show.
Whew. That was close. Annie will have them in stitches at church on Sunday. The Metro Toronto Convention Centre makes for strange bedfellows this weekend. Whoever put the sexpots and the knitters cheek by jowl is a real card. “Our security guard’s been gently pointing the craft ladies away,” says Suzie. “You can tell them by their knitted clothes and their handmade bags.
“Our people don’t look like that at all.” The sex show is a trove of the funny and the offbeat, so I drop in every year, like a swallow to Capistrano. It’s my duty to scout out bedroom trends, so you don’t die of shock when the missus pulls out the latest toy.
Two things to warn you about this year:
Gadgets are getting downright weird. If she gives you a Men’s Pleasure Wand for Christmas, run for your life or find a new wife.
The wand — and there is nothing pixie about it — is multi-speed and waterproof and it torments three of a man’s most meaningful body parts. I’ll let you guess which three.
God, I hope my doctor, Bernie “Big Finger” Gosevitz, doesn’t hear about this gizmo. It puts the “wreck” in rectal.
“It circulates your blood,” Ally Quinones, 21, tells me, soothingly, at her booth.
Also, brace yourself for “control wear,” with which you can “buzz” your soulmate from 10 metres away.
I’m thinking of getting them for the Sun’s editors, so we scribes can amuse ourselves on slow newsdays.
Speaking of bondage, it’s booming. “Fetish has been around forever, but people are more open about it,” says show manager Mikey Singer.
“Every superhero out there is head to toe in latex — and latex is really just kink.”
Ahhhh, Catwoman.
Singer, 32, tells me this year’s headline is the launch of the We-Vibe 3, a couple’s doodad. The new model has remote control so the fella can change speeds without changing tires, so to speak.
I doubt it’s on Crochet Annie’s Christmas list. But knitters have a pointy sense of humour. Their show has a Hooker Alley. So Annie cheerfully leaves the crafters and goes next door to schmooze with Asha Christine, 22, also known as Uncle D’s Booty Babe.
But Annie keep eyes front. “Doesn’t interest me in any way,” she says of the rows of raunch.
Booty Babe is charmed nearly out of her red bustier.
“Adorable,” she giggles, towering over Annie as our Craig Robertson’s flash fires.
So, voila, my annual report from the sex show. It and the craft show run through the weekend. M
ake sure you’re in the right one, lest someone asks: Is that a knitting needle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Mike Strobel’s column runs Wednesday to Friday, and Sunday.
Oh, the yarns you hear at the Everything To Do With Sex Show... “I’m looking for Toronto Hookups,” says a Tinker Bell voice.
Suzie, the sex show greeter, looks up, startled.
All around are dildos, rubber dolls, hot models, swingers, whips, chains, latex, paddles and other things that go bang in the night.
Not much shocks Suzie. Last year, I wrote about her wedding in a dungeon, surrounded by spanking benches and other furniture favoured by her and mate/master John.
But this is new, even for Suzie, 41. Granny goes gonzo? “Toronto Hook-ups?” the voice pipes up again. It belongs to Annie Parrington, 70.
She is Christmas, strawberry socials and Sunday dinner rolled into one. She wears a blue butterfly dress, granny boots and a plush purple shawl. She smells cinnamony. Norman Rockwell would swoon.
Her head barely tops the info desk. Sexy Suzie scans the list of 140 booths. Toronto Hookups sure sounds like it belongs, but there’s nothing. Then it dawns. “Aha,” says Suzie. “You want the knitting show. It’s next door.”
And off trots Annie, chuckling, to join her fellow sewers, knitters and quilters at the Toronto Hookups crochet guild booth at the CreativFestival needlecraft show.
Whew. That was close. Annie will have them in stitches at church on Sunday. The Metro Toronto Convention Centre makes for strange bedfellows this weekend. Whoever put the sexpots and the knitters cheek by jowl is a real card. “Our security guard’s been gently pointing the craft ladies away,” says Suzie. “You can tell them by their knitted clothes and their handmade bags.
“Our people don’t look like that at all.” The sex show is a trove of the funny and the offbeat, so I drop in every year, like a swallow to Capistrano. It’s my duty to scout out bedroom trends, so you don’t die of shock when the missus pulls out the latest toy.
Two things to warn you about this year:
Gadgets are getting downright weird. If she gives you a Men’s Pleasure Wand for Christmas, run for your life or find a new wife.
The wand — and there is nothing pixie about it — is multi-speed and waterproof and it torments three of a man’s most meaningful body parts. I’ll let you guess which three.
God, I hope my doctor, Bernie “Big Finger” Gosevitz, doesn’t hear about this gizmo. It puts the “wreck” in rectal.
“It circulates your blood,” Ally Quinones, 21, tells me, soothingly, at her booth.
Also, brace yourself for “control wear,” with which you can “buzz” your soulmate from 10 metres away.
I’m thinking of getting them for the Sun’s editors, so we scribes can amuse ourselves on slow newsdays.
Speaking of bondage, it’s booming. “Fetish has been around forever, but people are more open about it,” says show manager Mikey Singer.
“Every superhero out there is head to toe in latex — and latex is really just kink.”
Ahhhh, Catwoman.
Singer, 32, tells me this year’s headline is the launch of the We-Vibe 3, a couple’s doodad. The new model has remote control so the fella can change speeds without changing tires, so to speak.
I doubt it’s on Crochet Annie’s Christmas list. But knitters have a pointy sense of humour. Their show has a Hooker Alley. So Annie cheerfully leaves the crafters and goes next door to schmooze with Asha Christine, 22, also known as Uncle D’s Booty Babe.
But Annie keep eyes front. “Doesn’t interest me in any way,” she says of the rows of raunch.
Booty Babe is charmed nearly out of her red bustier.
“Adorable,” she giggles, towering over Annie as our Craig Robertson’s flash fires.
So, voila, my annual report from the sex show. It and the craft show run through the weekend. M
ake sure you’re in the right one, lest someone asks: Is that a knitting needle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Mike Strobel’s column runs Wednesday to Friday, and Sunday.
