Joke of the day

[Ang]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

[SneakySnake]

5/10

Ang you should continue the joke of day the in one thread so we can rate it daily.

This one sucked.

Sorry :tongue:.

 

[Bubba]

Ang you are slipping dude.

Try again uch:

 

[Ang]

Ok ok...geeezzzz, try this one

Ok ok...geeezzzz, try this one

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[papasmerf]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

I was embarrassed to say least.

 

[Bubba]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

:neutral: :???: :grrrrrr:

3/10

 

[Ang]

WTF...that was funny

Well you'll have to wait til Monday....I"M GOING HOME!!!!!arty:arty:arty:arty:

First thing I'm gonna do is crack open a beer!!

 

[tboy]

fuck this made me laugh...

 

[tboy]

I just heard dennis miller do a good one:

Air travel and baggage handling is the shits now isn't it? Can you imagine how bad it will be when they perfect time travel?

So you'll reach your destination and a airline rep will come up to you and say: sorry Mr Jones, your bags have arrived at the Battle of Waterloo.......

 

[a 1 player]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

 

[Jesus Quintana]

[video]https://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/[/video]

 

[BEER]

:great:

[video]https://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/[/video]

Better than the joke of the day :happy:.

 

[Ang]

K...I know it's a little late in the day, but let's try this one..

K...I know it's a little late in the day, but let's try this one..

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

 

[Paranoid Phantom]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

A little racist but funny.

 

[tboy]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

dude, that is fucking FUNNY lol.........f me I have tears running down my face

SUPPLIES!!!! oh fuck me....lmao.....

 

[Ang]

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....god you guys are hard to please :neutral:

 

[Art Mann]

An old one ... probably stole it from somebody here, way back when ...

An old one ... probably stole it from somebody here, way back when ...

This one's for you, Scotty:


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this poor, homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost...

 

[scotty]

LOL thanks Art Mann, always good to poke fun at the pipes ....gods choosen instrument

AAAAAAAAAAmmmmmmaaaaaazing Ggggrace how sweeeeet the sound...
Ah laddie ...brings a tear to my eye even now uch: snif snif (in a manly way)

 

[Jesus Quintana]

Bartender: "I'm sorry, we don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

[Ang]

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two!" said the second guy.

"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."