- Thread starter jiggyjiggy
- Start date
- Status
oldguyzer
Reviewer
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2011
- Messages
- 15,067
Martha and Henry were having breakfast. Suddenly Martha says "You know, Henry, even after being married to you for 56 years, you still make me feel hot". Henry looks up from his newspaper and says "Martha, my love, one of your tits is in your porridge and the other is in your coffee."
H
HOF
Guest
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here. "
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. "
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the Iowa Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick Rule? "
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. "
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn. "
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here. "
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. "
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the Iowa Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick Rule? "
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. "
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn. "
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2010
- Messages
- 6,933
Yay! Thanks Handle 
Finally a page I can actually view.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.
"But,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth.”
The Englishman responded, “Well at my local bar, the owner would buy you your third drink after you bought the first two.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” the Irishman said. “Back home there’s this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you’ve had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately doubted the Irishman’s claims.
“Well,” said the Englishman, “did this actually happen to you?”
“No, not myself personally,” said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister."
Finally a page I can actually view.An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.
"But,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth.”
The Englishman responded, “Well at my local bar, the owner would buy you your third drink after you bought the first two.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” the Irishman said. “Back home there’s this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you’ve had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately doubted the Irishman’s claims.
“Well,” said the Englishman, “did this actually happen to you?”
“No, not myself personally,” said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister."
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2010
- Messages
- 6,933
The day before his wedding a young man asked his dad if he had any fatherly advice to give.
“Just two things,” the father said. “First, tell her that you must have one night a week to spend with the boys.”
“And the other thing?” the son asked.
To which the father replied: “Don’t waste it on the boys.”
“Just two things,” the father said. “First, tell her that you must have one night a week to spend with the boys.”
“And the other thing?” the son asked.
To which the father replied: “Don’t waste it on the boys.”
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2010
- Messages
- 6,933
Hahaha thx Transient
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says,
'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place from where he knows her . So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place from where he knows her . So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Gandhi was a spiritual man. He also went on many hunger strikes, which left him weak and gave him bad breath.
He usually walked without shoes, leaving his feet quite rough. Or, to put it another way, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
He usually walked without shoes, leaving his feet quite rough. Or, to put it another way, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
- Status
Similar threads
