crackerjack
Reviewer
- Joined
- Dec 21, 2009
- Messages
- 135
Been feeling sexually stifled as of late down here on the farm. Have not been gettin’ any hay on me fork ever since Wanda the blow up doll disappeared. At the crux of a sexually charged moment; I bit her on the neck and she blew out the window,,,,haven’t seen her since. Joined an online blowup doll dating site hoping to satisfy my inflatable infatuation fetish only to be shot down further. A deflating experience to say the least,,,,, but I digress. Needless to say; my little bed wetting friend (aka Lil’Head) has been marinating in a mood for mayhem. So much so,,,,woke up one morn to find the boy humping my leg like some perverted porn dog. Feeling a might concerned ‘bout the monk-ly existence of my lil one-eyed digit ,,,, decided to give the boy his pick of the Triple-X litter in downtown Big Smoke. Hence; may I introduce our latest conquest,,,,,,
Wheeled the ole pickup to the curb with a tire screeching halt. After much duress roving a confusing maze of hotel corridors,,,,with a quick rap on the door in question,,,, it popped open with an invisible hand. Stepped across the plate into a dimly lit room to find my lovely staring at me in wide-eyed wonder. After a few moments of light but forced conversation ,,,, spidey senses started tingling as I could discern an uncertain hesitation on her part. Didn’t grow an extra eyeball in the last ten minutes so I poo-poo’d it off and hop-scotched into the shower for a delightful scrub down; ridding the naughty bits of butt-crack fuzz. Bee-lined it back to join my luv on the mattress. Much to my chagrin conversation soon dried up,,,,and with crickets chirping in the background,,,,time ground to a halt. Inner voice chimed in, “Are we gonna PHUCK or WHAT??!!!” And with that silent nudge; made a move for a mischievous taste of DFK ,,,,only to be rewarded with the dreaded head turn.
DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!
HOOKAY,,,,so trading spit was outta the quesion (fortunately I thrive on rejection). Soldiered on in spite of such,,,applying teasing touches and light kisses to her neck and shoulders, Well,,,,Plan A met with very little reaction(groan!). Plan B - unleashed the fiendish fingers,,,, wandering downwards for a deep massaging of the girly unmentionables. Followed up with some wanton tongue probing ‘round her boobs and nipples. Pushed her legs apart for some DATY hijinx in the deep end of the (Y) applying copious amounts of cunning cunningitis. ZERO response. WTF???!!! Swear I was DATY’ing a dead codfish (minus the smell). There was NOTHING from her,,,,no flinching,,,,no scratching,,,,no swatting at flies. Fearing my B-cup curmudgeon may have croaked; Lil’head quips, “Check for a pulse - case she had departed the land of the living.” Felt a major sigh of relief to find a beat; otherwise no sign of life.
AND I SHAVE MY BALLS FOR THIS???!!!
We switch-eroo’d for a mission in mish,,,,and with the boy fully outfitted for diving lessons,,,, I repeatedly plunged the lil skin cannon betwixt her thighs,,, pummeling her cum dumpster with tremendous tenacity. The expression on her face was,,,,well,,,,, EXPRESSIONLESS!!! Swear she was counting sheep or simply enduring the ill-fated moment visualizing a poster of Brad Pitt’s schlong. With Lil’Head giving her a solid defrocking,,,,and in spite of her disenchanted facial contortions,,,,, the boy managed to squeeze off a round into an otherwise lifeless life form.
HELL!,,,, I’ve had blowup dolls put more effort into orgasming.
Gentlemen,,,,,,By the numbers:
Face: 8
Drop dead gorgeous head turning femme fatale ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if you are visually impaired. Otherwise; an ordinary but nice looking chick with finely crafted facial features and hazel colored eyes complemented with long dirty blond hair past the shoulders.
Body: 7
Not the vision I had envisioned based on the illusion of her Barbie Doll web pics. A case for some firming and toning can be had. Would peg her at mid-20something, 5’7”, 130ish lbs bordering on a pear-shaped rubenesque fruit form. Admittedly not the body type I normally opt for; however, nothing a bit of gymn slumming couldn’t remedy in a jiffy. All original equipment including a wide, cushioney caboose built for comfort. A set of buns that you can get a decent purchase on,,,,and unlike the “Twiggy” types,,,,,no fear of splitting anything in half during an overly enthusiastic ball-slapping, doggy/froggy workout. Noted one tat above her hiney and her navel was stapled with a rather elegant piece of shrapnel.
Titties are considerably smaller than the “D’s” advertised. B-cup I would speculate,,,,,,, or enough to fill out a small sized man-bra in any respect. Nice nipples though,,,,small, pert, 22 caliber shaped nips (almost as hard too) that took a decent suckling.
Personality: 6
Rated her lower here primarily due to her hesitation and unwillingness to connect. Perhaps she is preemie material working in the underworld? Whatever the reason,,,, a quiet chick with a reserved demeanor. However; after the dirty deed was done I could sense a more relaxed nature beginning to bloom - after the clock ran out (groan!) Possibly her “man-repellant” reluctance to engage may dissipate once familiar patterns are established.
Session (GFE/PSE Fun Factor): 4
Not one for the resume as passion was not part of her vocabulary. Also the lack of DFK was a ball-busting wet blanket for me and the boy. From the word “Go” her vibe was one of distance and reservation. Her standoffish mannerism smothered an initial 5-alarm blaze burning in me loins.
Facilities: 9
An upper scale hotel in the downtown of our fair city. A llllllllot of people traffic thru one expansive mudder-loving lobby. My advice: call CAA in advance and order a map of the vestibule clearly indicating the elevators, escalators and in case of roadside emergencies,,,,directions to the lil boys’ room. I almost busted a nut while desperately seeking out the john’s john. However,,,,,,, room/shower facilities were immaculate with plenty of large fluffy towels to boot. Though I do not recommend it; there was sufficient space inside to swing a cat by the tail.
Losses:
OUCH!!! A wallet bruising $140 for the hh… SERIOUSLY OVERPRICED !!!
Repeat:
Risk another C-note? HELL NOT (EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE!). Zilch “Hello/Goodbye” factor; ie, no kiss, no hug, not even a pat on the ass out the door did I warrant. Hmmpff! Hence, price of admission does not merit a second sortie.
Closing Arguments:
Suspect tomorrow’s colonoscopy exam will reveal a rather large obstruction,,,,,, since I took one bulbous TOFTT up the manhole. AAARRGGGGHHH!!!
But to clarify,,,,, Jordan was not overtly rude, nor did she serve up an iceberg diva-like attitude. But her benign, doldrum and passionless facade sabotaged the moment. To be polite about this ---- probably a nice chick outside the subculture but definitely not cut out for sex sales let alone the plum fantasy pornstar dream that was dancing in Lil’Head’s head. My advice: get yourself a bucket of chicken, a brewski, a porno, a fresh roll of toilet paper and let the Palm sisters have their way with your favorite appendage. Buy a lottery ticket with the left over $$$. You will have better odds.
Gentlemen, it’s your money. Be careful out there!
Good Day and Good Farmin’
Wheeled the ole pickup to the curb with a tire screeching halt. After much duress roving a confusing maze of hotel corridors,,,,with a quick rap on the door in question,,,, it popped open with an invisible hand. Stepped across the plate into a dimly lit room to find my lovely staring at me in wide-eyed wonder. After a few moments of light but forced conversation ,,,, spidey senses started tingling as I could discern an uncertain hesitation on her part. Didn’t grow an extra eyeball in the last ten minutes so I poo-poo’d it off and hop-scotched into the shower for a delightful scrub down; ridding the naughty bits of butt-crack fuzz. Bee-lined it back to join my luv on the mattress. Much to my chagrin conversation soon dried up,,,,and with crickets chirping in the background,,,,time ground to a halt. Inner voice chimed in, “Are we gonna PHUCK or WHAT??!!!” And with that silent nudge; made a move for a mischievous taste of DFK ,,,,only to be rewarded with the dreaded head turn.
DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!
HOOKAY,,,,so trading spit was outta the quesion (fortunately I thrive on rejection). Soldiered on in spite of such,,,applying teasing touches and light kisses to her neck and shoulders, Well,,,,Plan A met with very little reaction(groan!). Plan B - unleashed the fiendish fingers,,,, wandering downwards for a deep massaging of the girly unmentionables. Followed up with some wanton tongue probing ‘round her boobs and nipples. Pushed her legs apart for some DATY hijinx in the deep end of the (Y) applying copious amounts of cunning cunningitis. ZERO response. WTF???!!! Swear I was DATY’ing a dead codfish (minus the smell). There was NOTHING from her,,,,no flinching,,,,no scratching,,,,no swatting at flies. Fearing my B-cup curmudgeon may have croaked; Lil’head quips, “Check for a pulse - case she had departed the land of the living.” Felt a major sigh of relief to find a beat; otherwise no sign of life.
AND I SHAVE MY BALLS FOR THIS???!!!
We switch-eroo’d for a mission in mish,,,,and with the boy fully outfitted for diving lessons,,,, I repeatedly plunged the lil skin cannon betwixt her thighs,,, pummeling her cum dumpster with tremendous tenacity. The expression on her face was,,,,well,,,,, EXPRESSIONLESS!!! Swear she was counting sheep or simply enduring the ill-fated moment visualizing a poster of Brad Pitt’s schlong. With Lil’Head giving her a solid defrocking,,,,and in spite of her disenchanted facial contortions,,,,, the boy managed to squeeze off a round into an otherwise lifeless life form.
HELL!,,,, I’ve had blowup dolls put more effort into orgasming.
Gentlemen,,,,,,By the numbers:
Face: 8
Drop dead gorgeous head turning femme fatale ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if you are visually impaired. Otherwise; an ordinary but nice looking chick with finely crafted facial features and hazel colored eyes complemented with long dirty blond hair past the shoulders.
Body: 7
Not the vision I had envisioned based on the illusion of her Barbie Doll web pics. A case for some firming and toning can be had. Would peg her at mid-20something, 5’7”, 130ish lbs bordering on a pear-shaped rubenesque fruit form. Admittedly not the body type I normally opt for; however, nothing a bit of gymn slumming couldn’t remedy in a jiffy. All original equipment including a wide, cushioney caboose built for comfort. A set of buns that you can get a decent purchase on,,,,and unlike the “Twiggy” types,,,,,no fear of splitting anything in half during an overly enthusiastic ball-slapping, doggy/froggy workout. Noted one tat above her hiney and her navel was stapled with a rather elegant piece of shrapnel.
Titties are considerably smaller than the “D’s” advertised. B-cup I would speculate,,,,,,, or enough to fill out a small sized man-bra in any respect. Nice nipples though,,,,small, pert, 22 caliber shaped nips (almost as hard too) that took a decent suckling.
Personality: 6
Rated her lower here primarily due to her hesitation and unwillingness to connect. Perhaps she is preemie material working in the underworld? Whatever the reason,,,, a quiet chick with a reserved demeanor. However; after the dirty deed was done I could sense a more relaxed nature beginning to bloom - after the clock ran out (groan!) Possibly her “man-repellant” reluctance to engage may dissipate once familiar patterns are established.
Session (GFE/PSE Fun Factor): 4
Not one for the resume as passion was not part of her vocabulary. Also the lack of DFK was a ball-busting wet blanket for me and the boy. From the word “Go” her vibe was one of distance and reservation. Her standoffish mannerism smothered an initial 5-alarm blaze burning in me loins.
Facilities: 9
An upper scale hotel in the downtown of our fair city. A llllllllot of people traffic thru one expansive mudder-loving lobby. My advice: call CAA in advance and order a map of the vestibule clearly indicating the elevators, escalators and in case of roadside emergencies,,,,directions to the lil boys’ room. I almost busted a nut while desperately seeking out the john’s john. However,,,,,,, room/shower facilities were immaculate with plenty of large fluffy towels to boot. Though I do not recommend it; there was sufficient space inside to swing a cat by the tail.
Losses:
OUCH!!! A wallet bruising $140 for the hh… SERIOUSLY OVERPRICED !!!
Repeat:
Risk another C-note? HELL NOT (EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE!). Zilch “Hello/Goodbye” factor; ie, no kiss, no hug, not even a pat on the ass out the door did I warrant. Hmmpff! Hence, price of admission does not merit a second sortie.
Closing Arguments:
Suspect tomorrow’s colonoscopy exam will reveal a rather large obstruction,,,,,, since I took one bulbous TOFTT up the manhole. AAARRGGGGHHH!!!
But to clarify,,,,, Jordan was not overtly rude, nor did she serve up an iceberg diva-like attitude. But her benign, doldrum and passionless facade sabotaged the moment. To be polite about this ---- probably a nice chick outside the subculture but definitely not cut out for sex sales let alone the plum fantasy pornstar dream that was dancing in Lil’Head’s head. My advice: get yourself a bucket of chicken, a brewski, a porno, a fresh roll of toilet paper and let the Palm sisters have their way with your favorite appendage. Buy a lottery ticket with the left over $$$. You will have better odds.
Gentlemen, it’s your money. Be careful out there!
Good Day and Good Farmin’
arty:.
.
