Maybe I'm Barking Up The Wrong Tree

[Blank_Dave]

or: Maybe I Chose The Wrong Hobby
or: Maybe I Just Have The Wrong Attitude

As most here know, I'm an extremely late bloomer, I have difficulties around strangers (not just women), and am extremely self conscious (physically, as a person and also sexually)

Lately, I've been questioning where I stand with regards to hobbying, my place in it, and the type of 'relationship' I want. This stems partially from, I feel, that I'm "not finding what I'm looking for." Of course, I'm not sure what I am looking for here.

I don't want it to seem that I'm coming away from my outings with a bad taste in my mouth, or bad experiences. Certainly not, I have largely enjoyed myself. And if the various ladies were willing, I'd happily see them again.

At the same time though, something is missing...Except for my last time out.

My last date was back in Sept, when I saw Rebecca before she retired. I feel it would be safe to say that it proved to be a somewhat frustrating date, in that despite our best efforts I couldn't finish. Also I don't think I did much for Rebecca either. But here comes the part that felt right. After we gave up, we curled up together and just held each other. I don't want to call it magical, but the peace and quietness I felt was unbelievable. That moment will never be recaptured though.

That has got me thinking....That I'm not looking to get fucked, but just held and kissed? Less action and more intimacy. Is this hobby really where I'm going to find it? Is this even what I want.

The other problem is that most of the ladies I've seen have claimed to have been submissive. I believe I've told every lady that I am inexperienced, and wish to learn, so I wanted instruction. Sadly, except for Genevieve, none were forth coming. So one can't help but wonder is this really the right place to learn in. Certainly the ladies are fairly open to various activities, and allowing experimentation within limits...But really how good of a learning tools are they when one can't be sure if the responses they're getting are real or not?

This came up whilst I was talking to Nikki. She suggested that maybe I don't need the services of an SP, but of a sexual surrogate. Not someone to show me sex, but to teach me intimacy. From what I've read though they've gone the way of the dodo in Ontario.

HOF put forward that I just need to find the right lady. Unfortunately, unlike HOF and Damien5k, I don't have the funds to hobby my way through TO.

Though I can not discount my attitude during the sessions. I'm not one to lose/abandon myself to the experience, to live in the moment. Instead, I find myself observing and evaluating....More like one observing a science experiment. That most certainly can't be helping matters either.

So it all comes to a head, at least to me, in the form of the question "should I hobby." To me, it's certainly not a moralistic problem. It's more of the question of what am I looking to get out of it, and will I find it?"

Am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I be looking else where for...What ever it is that I'm seeking?

 

[tboy]

Well, first of all, YOU have to figure out what YOU are seeking...until then, I wouldn't waste any more money.

You will also have to be careful how you word your request. Typically, "asking for instruction" will lead you to Doms who will instruct you with a riding crop.

Instead of seeing escorts, why don't you see a therapist instead? From the sounds of it, you've got more issues to deal with than seeing as escort will address.

 

[Auggie]

That's one of the problems with porn, it often gives us a false impression of what we want or need. You've discovered on your own that it's the intimacy you're mainly interested in and the only way to find out was to experiment with a hot sex machine like Becky who can also be warm and caring.

Do you even need sex? Don't let society dictate what you should have, there's nothing wrong with living life where you only masturbate to your own fantasies.

Take hugs when they are offered, learn to give them out on occasion and you'll have a good feeling that can last a long time and they are truly appreciated by most women. Christmas is the best time to start, try opening yourself up to hugging. I know you're uncomfortable with this but that will be overcome.

 

[tboy]

^^^^^ just don't go up to the first hottie walking down the street and give her a hug, you might get arrested lol.....(but if you go by the rom coms hollywood puts out you might just make someone's day)

 

[Doggie]

IMO you are looking for love. And let me tell you, you are in the very wrong path to find your love.

Know the reality of this hobby and always remember it! Before you do anything try to grow your self-confident.

What I can suggest to you, look through reviews and pictures of the provider when you find one you might like, ask her if you can have a lunch/dinner or even just a coffee with her before the session. If she accepts it thats great. This way you might get to know her a bit better and let her know how you are and what you are looking for. I think this way you might have bulletproof sessions.

 

[Blank_Dave]

I'll have to keep this quick since I'm in break right now.

To strip away the pretenses, I think the main players in my dilemma are loneliness (scored a 37 pn the UCLA Loneliness Scale), and social exclusion/defectiveness. Basically, I'm looking for human companionship, but thanks to the fucked up wiring in my head I don't feel worthy of it

Throw in the supporting actors of societal pressure to have sex, a sex drive, and a genuine curiosity with regards to 'this new experience,' you get the lovely dog's breakfast that I'm now experiencing.

And don't think that I'm trying to reenact Pretty Woman, and have an escort fall for me. I realize this is business. But there is nothing saying we can't be associates/friends/PM pals. But real love is not something I will find here.

Gotta run, break's up

 

[Auggie]

I don't think you're looking for love, I think you prefer your life as it is.

May as well ditch the self help books as well if you don't take their advice about eliminating the negativity about yourself.

 

[Blank_Dave]

I don't think you're looking for love, I think you prefer your life as it is.

May as well ditch the self help books as well if you don't take their advice about eliminating the negativity about yourself.

I wouldn't say I'm happy with it as is. Nor is ditching my negativity as easy as ditching an old pair of shorts. Its pretty heavily rooted in who I am, unfortunately. I have shifted parts of it with regards towards how I feel about others, fate/random luck, relationships in general. Where I've hit the stone wall has been how I feel about myself, my place in my family/community/work place, and my place in relationship (including friendships and associations).

When I try to hit them with CBT, I have been unable to sell myself on the idea. But hitting the with some ACT diffusion does a fine job of silencing them for the time being. Just things like A1's Meet Women thread fires up my inner voices something grand, and then they don't like to be silenced

 

[Bear669]

Hi Dave

Hi Dave

Certainly not, I have largely enjoyed myself. And if the various ladies were willing, I'd happily see them again.

After we gave up, we curled up together and just held each other. I don't want to call it magical, but the peace and quietness I felt was unbelievable. That moment will never be recaptured though.

Less action and more intimacy. Is this hobby really where I'm going to find it? Is this even what I want.

...... Sadly, except for Genevieve, none were forth coming. ....

Various complex issues here, but just to remark on a few:

You seem realistic about the SP experience, which for sure is a good thing.

See large font above. Why?:neutral:

What you got with R is a key component of the GFE/GWE and I am baffled as to why you found it unique? Same goes for teaching.

See all my reviews and positive posts about my regulars and ATFs and pretty much any lady I ever considered worth reviewing. No reason you cannot replicate the peace, warmth, intimacy and the lessons of Gen.

 

[tboy]

Once again,

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

Not from a bunch of yahoos on an escort review board. (no offence to my brethren yahoos)

Your problem isn't about escorts, that's the symptom......

 

[LickingGravity]

You seem like a nice enough guy but it's difficult to see this thread as anything other than a cry for help. I have to agree with tboy that you will not find the answers to some of your questions here and I'm not even sure that you are certain of which questions you want answers to. I think you would be doing yourself a favour in at least trying professional help to see if that works for you.

 

[RAWD]

I get what you're saying BD. Holding or being held intimately can be so fulfilling. It's human nature. We need to be touched.

 

[Blank_Dave]

What you got with R is a key component of the GFE/GWE and I am baffled as to why you found it unique? Same goes for teaching.

See all my reviews and positive posts about my regulars and ATFs and pretty much any lady I ever considered worth reviewing. No reason you cannot replicate the peace, warmth, intimacy and the lessons of Gen.

Bear, the 'routine' was essentially the same, with Rebecca's personized little variants. It was my inner feeling that was different. In my other sessions there's usually been a quiet, cuddly time out after. It was the inner peace that I felt that was different. I felt quieter, stiller and more at peace with both myself and the world. I don't know what was unique, except my companion and that I couldn't cum.

 

[tboy]

I get what you're saying BD. Holding or being held intimately can be so fulfilling. It's human nature. We need to be touched.

 

[Kyra.Graves]

Dave - there are many companions that can offer just companionship or intimacy without penetration (when did sex become only penetration?) but you would likely need someone that understands a little more about your situation and I would think you should see the same person on an ongoing basis.

You might also take a look at the documentary Virgin School, I watched it some time ago and found it to be an interesting concept. Some of the ladies are a bit to 'new age' for me but I liked the concept of the school and perhaps that is more like what you are seeking - a teacher as well as someone that you can gain some practical experience and a connection with.

 

[amber-jade]

Kyra is always a Class Act ( no act i think )

I was just going to say '' COME FUCK ME '' Blank (aka: Slim)

 

[Doggie]

I was just going to say '' COME FUCK ME '' Blank (aka: Slim)

That might be your cure Dave

 

[The Lone Ranger]

HOF put forward that I just need to find the right lady. Unfortunately, unlike HOF and Damien5k, I don't have the funds to hobby my way through TO.

Poor ole' Hoffy and Damien....bein them two ole' codgers might not be all y'all think it is dave-o. Course now, I could be wrong there too. :he: I'd say let them two freaks a nature have at er' in ther own fashion, and keep on bein yerself. Y'all will find the right philly at some point er anothr, but patiance is a virtu. In the meantime, try doin a cuple of sessions with gals y'all find reel pretty n' that come with high reco's fer real GFE, and try encounters that are mostly cuddly, leastly about the fuckin', n' test yer theory. Bet y'all can recapture that inner peace PDQ with the right chick. The sex part sounds like it might be distratctin' ya' some from what you really r lookin' fer. Good luck, ole' son!

 

[j]

Dave - there are many companions that can offer just companionship or intimacy without penetration (when did sex become only penetration?) but you would likely need someone that understands a little more about your situation and I would think you should see the same person on an ongoing basis.

I would add to this to take yourself out of the FS box, and into a more sensual experience. Find a mature compatible sp who does offer erotic massage sessions options, particularly if she does one that is more GFE sensual massage (with hj). get out of the 'it has to be FS to be worth it" mind set and into "it has to feel good to me" mind set. And for that, when you are new, when you lack experience, when you are new to seeing sps, even when you are just new to condom use, there are going to be issues with completion. If it happens more than once, then there are certain things to get thru it.

Repeat with the same sp. Try to find one who is currently doing GFE non-fs sessions. These usually end not in FS, but in hj or bj, but include kissing, daty, etc. It is rare to find someone who doesn't just do this at the same rate, but actually specializes in non-fs techniques,. You are looking for a specialist, not just someone willing to give you a massage instead of FS.

Do non-fs sessions with the same sp, to reach a feeling of comfort and safety.

Work together towards becoming more intimate, towards FS, but do not expect to cum during FS, but always expect to finish by hj.

See older sps, over 30. Choose sps who are not picture perfect body types, you will find yourself feeling more at ease with them.


By choosing to do non-fs, you will feel more at ease knowing that there is no expectation of pleasing the sp. (there shouldn't be at any time, but it is yet another mind game interfering with you).

 

[Blank_Dave]

You seem like a nice enough guy but it's difficult to see this thread as anything other than a cry for help. I have to agree with tboy that you will not find the answers to some of your questions here and I'm not even sure that you are certain of which questions you want answers to. I think you would be doing yourself a favor in at least trying professional help to see if that works for you.

This is going to sound odd, but in university, I had a good friend who was awesome to bring questions like this too. He seemed to know you already knew the questions and answers to them, just you didn't realize it. So talking with him, we'd end up working through it until we came up with an answer, and sometimes realized that we weren't even asking the right question to begin with. I guess I'm hoping to catch someone here that can do the same. I have a feeling I know what the answer is, and I need to noodle around to find it. Just I need someone to help me with the noodling.

I get what you're saying BD. Holding or being held intimately can be so fulfilling. It's human nature. We need to be touched.

Which is odd, RAWD, in that I've never felt the need to be touched or held prior to last year, and to be honest I'm rather adverse to touching and being touched. To me it's a massive invasion of personal space, and I project that belief onto others as well. When I do touch, I'm very concerned with not being invasive or offensive, and inappropriate/unappreciated touching. (read I'm afraid I'll get bitched out when I caress a breast, or squeeze a buttocks)

What makes it even sadder, is according to The Five Love Languages, physical touch is my primary love language!

Dave - there are many companions that can offer just companionship or intimacy without penetration (when did sex become only penetration?) but you would likely need someone that understands a little more about your situation and I would think you should see the same person on an ongoing basis.

I do indeed like this idea. What arouses me in porn, and what I fantasize about, is in fact the act prior to penetration. As weird as it sounds, from an arousal point of view, I find that actual act of intercourse boring.

As for seeing the same person repeatedly....Of the ladies I've seen, two are retired, two appear to be semiretired (Rebecca and Amanda), and Genevieve's availability is very limited.

Or did you have someone else in mind, Prof. Graves?

You might also take a look at the documentary Virgin School, I watched it some time ago and found it to be an interesting concept. Some of the ladies are a bit to 'new age' for me but I liked the concept of the school and perhaps that is more like what you are seeking - a teacher as well as someone that you can gain some practical experience and a connection with

I watched the first installation of it, and some of the last. Surprise, surprise, I really connect/empathize with James. Whilst I wasn't bullied (physically), I was the recipient of the girlie games that he spoke of. I did find it funny that his Mum wanted him to get laid. Hell, I wasn't even encouraged to date.

As for a teacher, see about, Prof Graves.

I was just going to say '' COME FUCK ME '' Blank (aka: Slim)

That could be arranged, I believe, Do I bring the pizza?

As for Shadowsun, I'm not going to bother quoting him, as I largely agree with what he said, for the most part....