So I'm sitting with a couple of buds on the roof of a single story grocery store drinking a big gulp that's a 50/50 mix of rye and diet coke. No ice. We're watching life on the street. I'm drunk and on the verge of making baby talk.
I'm in my mid 20s, recently divorced and living...hard. Real hard. Booze, blow, one-nighters...lather, rinse, repeat. During the day I'm managing a huge multi-million dollar project and meeting my obligations. Now if I go to bed after 10 PM the next day is a bit of a write-off.
Across the road I see a woman standing in the shadows of the pool hall. I can't make out her features. The buddy to my left says, "see that broad across the road? She's the ugliest ,nastiest old hooker you ever saw". I say "she's a hooker? Really" He says "yep, but she's fucking ancient". I'd never been with an SP so I stood up abruptly and said "I'm going to fuck her!" My buddy starts laughing and says.."sure you are. I dare you!" at which point I stagger across the roof and down the fire escape shouting "don't drink my fucking drink you pricks!" over my shoulder as I leave.
I get downstairs to the back parking lot and make my way around to the front of the building and start crossing the street. The woman in the shadows detaches herself from the side of the building and walks across the street towards me. Before I can say anything she shouts (yes, shouts) "$15 for a blowjob, $25 for a screw". I wave for her to follow me and head to the door which will take me up a flight of stairs to my apartment. I still hadn't really taken a good look at her.
She follows me up the darkened stairs to my apartment and I open the door and let her in. From behind me as we're entering my apartment she asks for the ladies room and I point with e left hand, saying nothing. I've been front loading so I'm getting more intoxicated by the minute. I go and sit on the couch in my living room in the dark and wait for her.
She comes out of the bathroom and I reach over and switch on a floor lamp.
Holy fuck.
She has to be 60 years old (I'm 26 at the time) and a heavy smoker and drinker. She just has that high mileage look about her. The face is just....bad, and the teeth. No LFK or DFK for me. The body surprisingly is better than expected. Skinny as hell but with large full breasts and big pointy nipples. She's wearing a teddy and aside from a lack of muscle tone she really doesn't have a horrible body. She also reeks like stale cigarette smoke.
She tells me to drop my drawers and I do and she proceeds to give me a surprisingly good blowjob while I dimly recall grey teeth. If a woman like that blew me today all the Viagra in the world wouldn't make me hard. Of course, I was 26 so I was hard as steel. She could have squatted and taken a shit and I wouldn't have gone soft.
Eventually she tires of slobbering on my member and stands up and pulls off the teddy revealing belly skin that looks like 100 miles of bad road. She sees me staring shrugs and says "9 kids".
Still hard.
I ask her for cowgirl cuz I'm drunk and don't want to stand and she declines saying she just started her shift and is going to do about a dozen guys tonight and if she rode all of them her legs would be aching tomorrow.
Still hard.
So I flip her onto her back on the couch and awkwardly start fucking her missionary. Always looks better in the movies. Eventually I spin her around so we're perpendicular to the couch and just start fucking the living hell out of her trying to get off. This goes on forever and at one point she checks her watch and cocks an eyebrow at me. Jesus she stinks.
Still hard.
I close my eyes and recall memories of my old high school girlfriends, porn movies, my old Farrah Fawcett poster, anything to bust a nut and climb off this foul smelling fossil. Finally I blow and it's surprisingly satisfying even though I have whiskey-dick. I pull out of her with a sound like pulling a boot out of the mud.
She's up and dressed and half out the door before I get my pants on. Out of some odd sense of nobility (thanks grandma) I stagger after her shoe-less, shirtless and trying to do up my pants. We get to the bottom of the stairs of my building and I'm telling her "gee at those prices I could get you to come over everyday. Some days I won't want to fuck and will just take a blowjob". Now, by this point we're on the sidewalk in front of my building and I'm drunk and talking pretty loud.
At that moment the matronly wife of the shopkeeper who runs the grocery store on the first floor is standing out front sweeping up in front of the store before close. She looks up and sees me talking to the Crypt-keeper in nothing but a a pair of pants. The Crypt-keeper looks up, makes eye contact with the shopkeeper's wife and turns around and books it, shopkeepers wife hot on her heels, swinging her broom and shouting something about me being a nice boy and dirty lady has to leave me alone. Crypt-keeper is in her 60s and shopkeeper's wife weighs about 300 lbs so it's a slow motion chase. It's straight out of an x-rated Seinfeld episode.
I shrug and make my way back up to the roof where I plunk myself back into my lawn-chair and resume drinking my big gulp of booze. My friends are laughing so hard they can't breathe. I am legend.
Next day while buying toilet paper in the store downstairs I get a 10 minute lecture from shopkeeper’s wife in a thick Greek accent and a huge hug and face plant between her 54 HHH cans.
It makes me hard.
For 3 weeks the Crypt keeper hovers around my doorway, occasionally being chased off by the shopkeeper's wife who still lectures me every chance she gets. Her sons, who are a few years younger than me high-five me whenever she isn't looking. I get a girlfriend and am not around much (she has a fully stocked fridge) so aside from a few close calls I never really see the Crypt-keeper again.
Fast forward 20 years. I'm remarried, family man, respectable. At Casino with Wife #2. Run into old friend from roof and his girlfriend. Haven't seen him in about 18 years. I go for a piss and when I come back he's halfway through telling the ladies my Crypt keeper story. My wife just rolls her eyes and tells me I'm lucky my dick didn't rot off.
You never forget your first.
I'm in my mid 20s, recently divorced and living...hard. Real hard. Booze, blow, one-nighters...lather, rinse, repeat. During the day I'm managing a huge multi-million dollar project and meeting my obligations. Now if I go to bed after 10 PM the next day is a bit of a write-off.
Across the road I see a woman standing in the shadows of the pool hall. I can't make out her features. The buddy to my left says, "see that broad across the road? She's the ugliest ,nastiest old hooker you ever saw". I say "she's a hooker? Really" He says "yep, but she's fucking ancient". I'd never been with an SP so I stood up abruptly and said "I'm going to fuck her!" My buddy starts laughing and says.."sure you are. I dare you!" at which point I stagger across the roof and down the fire escape shouting "don't drink my fucking drink you pricks!" over my shoulder as I leave.
I get downstairs to the back parking lot and make my way around to the front of the building and start crossing the street. The woman in the shadows detaches herself from the side of the building and walks across the street towards me. Before I can say anything she shouts (yes, shouts) "$15 for a blowjob, $25 for a screw". I wave for her to follow me and head to the door which will take me up a flight of stairs to my apartment. I still hadn't really taken a good look at her.
She follows me up the darkened stairs to my apartment and I open the door and let her in. From behind me as we're entering my apartment she asks for the ladies room and I point with e left hand, saying nothing. I've been front loading so I'm getting more intoxicated by the minute. I go and sit on the couch in my living room in the dark and wait for her.
She comes out of the bathroom and I reach over and switch on a floor lamp.
Holy fuck.
She has to be 60 years old (I'm 26 at the time) and a heavy smoker and drinker. She just has that high mileage look about her. The face is just....bad, and the teeth. No LFK or DFK for me. The body surprisingly is better than expected. Skinny as hell but with large full breasts and big pointy nipples. She's wearing a teddy and aside from a lack of muscle tone she really doesn't have a horrible body. She also reeks like stale cigarette smoke.
She tells me to drop my drawers and I do and she proceeds to give me a surprisingly good blowjob while I dimly recall grey teeth. If a woman like that blew me today all the Viagra in the world wouldn't make me hard. Of course, I was 26 so I was hard as steel. She could have squatted and taken a shit and I wouldn't have gone soft.
Eventually she tires of slobbering on my member and stands up and pulls off the teddy revealing belly skin that looks like 100 miles of bad road. She sees me staring shrugs and says "9 kids".
Still hard.
I ask her for cowgirl cuz I'm drunk and don't want to stand and she declines saying she just started her shift and is going to do about a dozen guys tonight and if she rode all of them her legs would be aching tomorrow.
Still hard.
So I flip her onto her back on the couch and awkwardly start fucking her missionary. Always looks better in the movies. Eventually I spin her around so we're perpendicular to the couch and just start fucking the living hell out of her trying to get off. This goes on forever and at one point she checks her watch and cocks an eyebrow at me. Jesus she stinks.
Still hard.
I close my eyes and recall memories of my old high school girlfriends, porn movies, my old Farrah Fawcett poster, anything to bust a nut and climb off this foul smelling fossil. Finally I blow and it's surprisingly satisfying even though I have whiskey-dick. I pull out of her with a sound like pulling a boot out of the mud.
She's up and dressed and half out the door before I get my pants on. Out of some odd sense of nobility (thanks grandma) I stagger after her shoe-less, shirtless and trying to do up my pants. We get to the bottom of the stairs of my building and I'm telling her "gee at those prices I could get you to come over everyday. Some days I won't want to fuck and will just take a blowjob". Now, by this point we're on the sidewalk in front of my building and I'm drunk and talking pretty loud.
At that moment the matronly wife of the shopkeeper who runs the grocery store on the first floor is standing out front sweeping up in front of the store before close. She looks up and sees me talking to the Crypt-keeper in nothing but a a pair of pants. The Crypt-keeper looks up, makes eye contact with the shopkeeper's wife and turns around and books it, shopkeepers wife hot on her heels, swinging her broom and shouting something about me being a nice boy and dirty lady has to leave me alone. Crypt-keeper is in her 60s and shopkeeper's wife weighs about 300 lbs so it's a slow motion chase. It's straight out of an x-rated Seinfeld episode.
I shrug and make my way back up to the roof where I plunk myself back into my lawn-chair and resume drinking my big gulp of booze. My friends are laughing so hard they can't breathe. I am legend.
Next day while buying toilet paper in the store downstairs I get a 10 minute lecture from shopkeeper’s wife in a thick Greek accent and a huge hug and face plant between her 54 HHH cans.
It makes me hard.
For 3 weeks the Crypt keeper hovers around my doorway, occasionally being chased off by the shopkeeper's wife who still lectures me every chance she gets. Her sons, who are a few years younger than me high-five me whenever she isn't looking. I get a girlfriend and am not around much (she has a fully stocked fridge) so aside from a few close calls I never really see the Crypt-keeper again.
Fast forward 20 years. I'm remarried, family man, respectable. At Casino with Wife #2. Run into old friend from roof and his girlfriend. Haven't seen him in about 18 years. I go for a piss and when I come back he's halfway through telling the ladies my Crypt keeper story. My wife just rolls her eyes and tells me I'm lucky my dick didn't rot off.
You never forget your first.
