Only in Canada eh?

[Shiek]

A Newfoundlander goes into a Tom Horton's in Gander, NL and notices there's a "Roll Up The Rim To Win" Contest going on.

So, he rolls it up and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The girl at the counter says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a car." But the person keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The person says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And they hand the Cup to the manager and he reads: "W I N A B A G E L"

 

[-b]

That was a good one......:LMAO:


A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."




On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to
count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But
Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's
because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite
the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but
Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only
the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained
to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he
seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked
his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times
bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

 

[Boing]

That was bad.

 

[Jawbone]

Funny Bliss and Sheik , thank you for the chuckle.

Here's one back at ya

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

 

[Goodfella]

That was a good one......:LMAO:


A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."




On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to
count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But
Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's
because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite
the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but
Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only
the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained
to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he
seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked
his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times
bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

LOL, Sheik Hmmmmmm

 

[-b]

[h=3]When Canada Was Created[/h] On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, 'Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.'
God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.'
'But Lord,' responded Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?'
'No, not really.' God replied..........'Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.'

 

[-b]

How Canadian women can fight terrorism​

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif] As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort.
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]God Bless Canada!

 

[-b]

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]A True Canadian​

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[Pietro]

That was bad.

No this is bad.

 

[oldguyzer]

No this is bad.

That's what happenes when you fondle your balls too much

 

[thesun]

No this is bad.

Crikes! I wonder what happened to him after being rescued.

 

[DonCorleo]

Kick me in the ass" the Marine saidKatie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Charlie Gibson said, I'm living in' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time."

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and asked, And now, Mr. U. S. Marine, what is your final wish?"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm NOT kidding.

I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?" "What?" replied the Marine, "and have you three ass holes report that I was the aggressor?"Semper Fi!If You Are Not Willing To Stand Behind Our Troops, Please, Please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them

 

[Lobby]

A policeman came to my door and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

I said kindergarten.

 

[McGuinty]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..
She sent me back to the principal’s office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now….

 

[Chevy]

 

[papasmerf]

:LMAO::YMAPPLAUSE:

 

[Copyright]

These are actual excuse notes (original spelling intact) from some of the most unintentionally hilarious parents around:
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.