Ramblings of a Retired Mind. Pass on if you heard it before.

[Ipcr66]

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



"Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life" Because"Life is a journey to be-traveled_

 

[Boing]

LOL, welcome to the board Ipcr66.

 

[Chevy]

So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. :rofl!:

Funny thread.

 

[BEER]

:YMAPPLAUSE::YMAPPLAUSE:

 

[God]

How many of you are reading the bible now?.

 

[Art Mann]

Far too religiously, as it turns out.

 

[Audi]

Sounds like my grand-dad.

 

[ZooCool]

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas because it's too risky of an investment.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all of my money.

There are three signs of old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the other two I forget.