Relationship? Marriage? Single? or a 1 player?

[a 1 player]

Ok, so here it goes...

I'm not really asking for advice, though input (might) be appreciated, perhaps more of a vent, or even if you will a 'fuck my life and where it's going'.

As a few of you know, I had all but disappeared from the boards about a year ago when I became serious with a young lass. She is a great woman, smart, educated, faithful, family oriented, and adventurous in bed. Further, she treats my kids well, my family like her, is a good cook, and is independently financially stable. To top it off, she is 11 years my junior and not bad looking at all. Kind of like winning the lottery when it comes to women, but alas there is something nagging in the back of my mind that has me questioning this whole relationship.

In a word FREEDOM

She has a couple of small kids that are what one would call 'high maintenance' One has a learning disability that I am doing my best to deal with, but I am finding myself more and more stressed out as he requires almost constant attention or he will tear the house apart. He doesn't talk, he yells. He cannot distinguish letters, shapes and numbers. He does not walk, he runs. If you let go of his hand he would run full throttle through the mall, on a road, or tackle a rottweiler. The other though a normal kid mentally, is just constantly whining. I find myself unable to do any of the things that I love as the kids are always around.

Babysitters are not an option as they refuse to come back after the first visit. Even her parents will not look after both at the same time as they find them too much to deal with. This puts me in quite a dilemma. Since we work mostly opposite shifts, I am playing the roll of 'caregiver or parent' when the SO is at work. I am no longer able to bike, hike, go out and take pictures, or visit my sick father in the nursing home during my downtime. I literally find myself a slave to these kids. Add to that, that we RARELY are able to go out alone, so the relationship is starting to feel some stress.

A large part of me wants to move out, but continue dating her and wait until the kids are older to see if they 'normalize' any. Unfortunately the problems seem to be growing, not subsiding. The second part says go out and be single, there are many other fish in the sea and you don't need this bullshit in your life. The third part says suck it up and be a man about it. You have found the woman that you want, and nothing in life is perfect. I understand this, but I did not sign up for no 'downtime' at all.

As an added stress, since we have moved in together, we have consolidated our belongings. So if I do decide to move out, I will pretty much be leaving with half (or less) of what I brought into the relationship. I know I'll pretty well leave with nothing if I do decide to go, as I can't (won't) leave the kids in an empty house and without furniture, dishes, pots and pans or a TV. In essence, I'll be starting over 'yet again'.

But then again, she is a fantastic person, full of love, patience, and can tolerate my stubbornness, and my quirks which not many women can, and she loves me for who I am. She has not tried to change me on little bit (except for shaving my beard).

Fuck, life was so much easier when I was a player. Fuck.

Time to do some thinking.

 

[The Options Menu]

Honestly, she sounds like a good woman that you love. Personally, I'd have an honest chat with her about your need for just a little 'private me-time space'. She managed 'to manage' before you were around, so saying "I love you dearly and a want to be with you but I need one day a week just to do my own thing. I was a bachelor for a long time and I was used to it, and I really need just that little bit of space. You're very special to me, but I'm beginning to find the lack of 'me time' a little difficult." Something along those lines. Be positive a re-assuring. It might not go well, be if she agrees it might be all that you need.

edit: When I was younger, I had two big multi-year relationships, interspersed with 3 1ish year relationships, with lots of 'need something new' flings in between. It's been years since I've wanted anything serious-- and I've gotten used to my bachelor life. (30ish with disposable income isn't a bad place to be in TO.) In recent years I've found the transition to monogamous dating to be painful. I hope I'll meet the girl of my dreams and settle down, but I'm not there right now. One thing I did learn from my serious relationships it the very real need for some 'private space', especially for when the love goggles come off.

 

[SillyGirl]

If she's willing to get rid of the kids, I think you two have a real shot.

Move out and keep dating her? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Good luck with that.

Next time, just put your extra stuff in storage.

 

[a 1 player]

Move out and keep dating her? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Good luck with that.

Yeah, exactly what I thought the chances of that would be.

 

[RAWD]

I know what you mean. It all comes down to the "package deal" and whether the good outweighs the bad. Even then, if you love someone, does it mean you only have to love parts of them? Or only the fun parts?

It does help to talk it out. You have a lot of listeners here.

 

[Lexusdriver]

Nothing is easy in life. Seems you have found the perfect partner but sacrifices have to be made like anything in life. Don't let her go there are not too many women out there as you describe her. I have been on both sides and you will feel empty if you leave her. Do tell her how you feel but not in an ultimatum way. Taking care of the little boy is a low price to pay for a woman like her. So just talk it over.

 

[Bear669]

Lots of good comments above...

Lots of good comments above...

... so I will toss a curve ball:

How are you (and you two) fixed for $?

Assets? Income? Investments? Debt? Prospects?

 

[Need Loving]

Ask yourself if you are a happy man with her. If yes then its worth the commitment and troubles.

 

[RAWD]

Taking care of the little boy is a low price to pay for a woman like her. So just talk it over.

I like this thought. When you're committed the burdens don't really seem like sacrifices, do they?

A few other thoughts:

You're basically asking if it's ok to put yourself first. Is it ok to be selfish? Sometimes you have to be. Is this one of those times? That's your call, and you have to live with it. Everyone else is just judging.

If the kids were yours, would you see this differently? If you stick around, you should consider them as yours. I don't think there's a halfway when you're parenting.

Put yourself in her shoes. Sounds like if you bail, she'll be jammed up bad. How would you feel about that?

 

[dirtyman]

She knows her kid is a handful. Me thinks she is expecting the little talk, good luck a 1 player.

 

[Tgirl Nikki]

Disclaimer: The last few weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster for me, and it all seems to come back to the issue of family (sometimes my own, sometimes the families of others) which is why I've barely been here lately. So, please take my posts with a grain of salt.

In all honesty, my first reaction was anger towards a1, and a feeling that he was being selfish. After stepping back for a few moments, I tried to put myself in his place, and realized it was a perfectly reasonable reaction to such a huge change in one's life. I have a younger brother with a developmental disability, and even though he's high-functioning, I'm still expecting to take the role of caregiver at some point down the road, because my parents won't be doing it forever... I'm sure I'll feel a painful loss of freedom when that happens. So, I can sympathize with your situation, and I'll try to be constructive instead of critical.

Because point form is easier:

- I have a lot more concern for the kid in this situation. It sounds like he's in desperate need of a good therapist, and some sort of behaviour modification therapy. I won't speculate on his condition or treatment, but the sooner you get this kid some professional help, the more likely he'll be to improve - both in the short term, and the long term. For many childhood disorders, the prognosis for success is directly related to the age of the kid when treatment begins.

- Whatever pressure you're feeling from these kids, I'm pretty sure the mother feels it even more, and to her, you're probably the one person keeping her sane. You're giving up your own freedom, to be sure, but you're also giving the woman you love a break from her own stress. That's a very generous thing to do, and even though it sucks sometimes, I'm sure it means the world to her.

- If these were your own kids, would you be having the same reaction? You certainly couldn't move out, and just spend time with the kids when you wanted to - so don't expect the mother to entertain the thought of dating you after you leave.

Constructive ideas:

- What about sending him to a summer camp (or alternatively, a day camp) for special-needs kids? A normal babysitter wouldn't be qualified to deal with these kinds of problems, but the people who work at these camps usually are. That could help lessen the pressure on you, and even a short break could help you relax.

- As an extension of that, you could look into professional caregivers who could act as a babysitter to give you two a night off.

- I don't know how old they are, but September is around the corner, which means they could be going back to school soon (if they're old enough) and that should lighten the load considerably. Again, for the special-needs kid, look for programs that will work with him at his level, because that will give him the best chance for success.

- This stuff is expensive as hell, so I hope you and your SO are in a stable financial position... if not, you might have to look for ways to cut down on your expenses, but freedom and relaxation would be totally worth it.

Anyways, I think I'm past my $0.02, so I'll shut up and let others contribute. a1, if you need any suggestions on places or programs that might be able to help, send me a PM and I'll see what I can come up with.

 

[Lou Pole]

Listen and follow your heart young man. It never lies.

 

[Hugh]

One question. Is she your best friend?.

 

[Beenthere123]

If the kids were yours, would you see this differently? If you stick around, you should consider them as yours. I don't think there's a halfway when you're parenting.

Put yourself in her shoes. Sounds like if you bail, she'll be jammed up bad. How would you feel about that?

Great points RAWD, what do you have to say to this player?

 

[smylee52]

The operative words are "small kids " . It's only going to get a whole lot worse when the dreaded teen years arrive if you are still together after living through several years of daily stress.

For me as long as your personal safety isn't at risk from a child you brought into the world then you take full responsibility 24/7 if required till the day it is no longer physically possible for anyone one of a hundred reasons .

These are not your children therefore not your responsibility so I would say get out now . A friend lived this scenario for a decade till he couldn't take it anymore . The step daughters lying , stealing , disrespecting was unbearable and he toughed it out till she hit eighteen . The day came and he told his wife, whom he still very much loved , that he could no longer live in the same house as the daughter . Well the wife tried to get the daughter under control but the situation became an embarassment with yelling matches on the front lawn, front doors being slammed ad nauseum . Finally he gave the ultimatum of him or the daughter . I'm sure you have already figured out how this ended .

The wife divorced him and left him with huge debts . !0 years of abuse and then financial ruin .

A1 you are damned if you do and double damned if you don't . People can give all the advice they want but unless they've lived with a troubled child or children they have no idea how it can test a human being never mind a relationship . Push comes to shove you are always the number 2 guy because her kids will come first .

You are risking investing several years of your life in a situation that doesn't look promising . Not to mention how hugely fucked you will be after common law is established or you get married ( unless she makes a ton more money than you ) .

My .02 cents from having seen first hand what can happen .
.

 

[Tyrell]

These are not your children therefore not your responsibility so I would say get out now.

You are very wrong on this point. I was raised by my Step dad and treated me as I was his own. Can add more but won't cause I am ticked off at your comment.

 

[SillyGirl]

You are very wrong on this point. I was raised by my Step dad and treated me as I was his own. Can add more but won't cause I am ticked off at your comment.

I know of a couple blended families where the word "step" isn't even used, and it's a very cool thing to see.

I know a couple others where tension about the children is relentlessly eating away at the marriage, and it's painful to watch. No one is doing anyone any favors by postponing the inevitable.

Unless he adopted them, in which case he is their father for life, I don't think every situation can be expected to play out like Tyrell's.

I didn't realize OP had married her, did I misunderstand?

 

[culo grande]

I know of a couple blended families where the word "step" isn't even used, and it's a very cool thing to see.

I know a couple others where tension about the children is relentlessly eating away at the marriage, and it's painful to watch. No one is doing anyone any favors by postponing the inevitable.

Unless he adopted them, in which case he is their father for life, I don't think every situation can be expected to play out like Tyrell's.

I didn't realize OP had married her, did I misunderstand?

Yes but would like to say I am another sample of being raised by my step Father and maternal mother. He always told people I was his son not step son.

 

[Jawbone]

You are very wrong on this point. I was raised by my Step dad and treated me as I was his own. Can add more but won't cause I am ticked off at your comment.

The big difference is that you were and I am assuming a "normal kid". Aplayer1 is faced with an extra burden of constant supervision being needed. As the child grows older the problems may become bigger. Life is short, and it's easy to say do it but I think it's a huge burden and an extra hurdle when they are not your blood line.

I will be honest and say I couldn't do it. I would have seen it coming and wouldn't have been involved from the start.

You are already questioning the relationship, this will only intensify. It's your life, it's your call, do what's right for you and never mind what everyone not in your shoes thinks!!

 

[smylee52]

You are very wrong on this point. I was raised by my Step dad and treated me as I was his own. Can add more but won't cause I am ticked off at your comment.

Tyrell . We aren't talking about you or your upbringing . Let me refresh the context .


"She has a couple of small kids that are what one would call 'high maintenance' One has a learning disability that I am doing my best to deal with, but I am finding myself more and more stressed out as he requires almost constant attention or he will tear the house apart. He doesn't talk, he yells. He cannot distinguish letters, shapes and numbers. He does not walk, he runs. If you let go of his hand he would run full throttle through the mall, on a road, or tackle a rottweiler. The other though a normal kid mentally, is just constantly whining. I find myself unable to do any of the things that I love as the kids are always around.

Babysitters are not an option as they refuse to come back after the first visit. Even her parents will not look after both at the same time as they find them too much to deal with. This puts me in quite a dilemma. Since we work mostly opposite shifts, I am playing the roll of 'caregiver or parent' when the SO is at work. I am no longer able to bike, hike, go out and take pictures, or visit my sick father in the nursing home during my downtime. I literally find myself a slave to these kids. Add to that, that we RARELY are able to go out alone, so the relationship is starting to feel some stress. "


Certainly your perogative to be ticked off but I am sticking to specific circumstances as A1 has recounted them . If he had have said these youngsters were a joy to be around and enriched his life I would have responded to his request for input quite differently . Fact is they are not a joy to be around and in fact are difficult to live with so my reply stands . I admire a man who can raise someone else's as his own but I don't see why a man would put himself in a very stressful family that he didn't create .