The thoughts and feelings of someone looking on during these times.

[Lily Divine]

Consider this a statement of my thoughts, and feelings. I will be cross posting it on all forums I'm active on in the GTA.

I am tired of being forced to make a stand, or choose sides. In all honesty it is so far beyond what I hope to experience through this hobby that it sickens me, and I actually end up becoming "unavailable" for "Lily Time" because of it. I would like to apologize to those who have been affected by that of late... It wasn't you it was me. I hope you can understand better now why I said I wouldn't be at my best on the days I have chosen to take off. For those I've made time for... It is purely because I knew without a doubt that you would lift my heart, and lighten my soul. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.

In my entire time on the forums I have felt it was imperative to try to do the ethical thing (as I saw it through logic and moral own compass). I do attempt to be kind, and make decisions about other humans (and I may be using this term loosely) who post. I make my opinions on my own, without the opinions of others completely dictating my own thoughts. I do not always agree with the group consensus. This often seems to result in a situation where I have to speak up, or choose to stay silent for all appearances while handling things discreetly, and behind closed doors. These are choices made due to the many life lessons that I have had thrown my way over my time surfing online forums.

I do not have it in me anymore to have a knock down, drag out post war. I couldn't care less about the mind sucking, time consumption that is a flame war (though I can likely light a fire with more accuracy than most, and my aim tends to be true). I might feel compelled to post something poignant when I see something with regularity, but I have actively attempted to stay out of the fray most times. What is the use in being the last one standing when the dust settles, if you are holding the sword of justice (as you saw it to be)?

Many seem to have forgotten their humanity within this hobby. They've forgotten that the person on the other side of the screen is a human being who has thoughts, feelings, and a reason behind their actions.

The men forget that the women in the industry do this for a number of reasons at times. They forget the very simple fact that the women who participate on the forums are likely doing so because they actively seek out the connections it brings. Each of those women connects in the fashion that suits them best. Be it a photo thread, an erotic story, or a flirtatious chat; It is in truth all the same at the end of the day... A bit of insight into their mind and soul which is always a brilliant marketing tool in something so personal.

Some men have gone so far as to demoralize, or devalue women who are in the industry advertising a specific service, look, or even because they are listed on a specific site. Quite literally thinking that all women in this industry who perform a certain action, have that look, or are active in a specific location are identical. The women are no more identical in all ways then the gentlemen are. To paint all with a singular brush means you are in truth perpetrating the stereotypes which so many openly oppose.

Some women forget that the men looking to see them are more than just a stack of money. You will always find that gentleman who is in and out as quickly as he can with no connection, and no real depth. The reality is when you are participating on the forums it often brings more to the table. There's an awareness that comes from seeing the person interact. I've found sometimes a bit more conversation, or indeed a connection occurs because of that awareness. Someone who's photos might not have been the first draw for a man, may completely turn his head with a well placed post...

Some women treat this like a business, some have made intimacy an art form, while others treat it like it is their own dating game... There is no wrong answer here because everything has it's place in this very vast industry. At the end of the day the only real absolute which should be adhered to is respecting those whom we spend time with by way of protecting each others privacy, and being respectful in how we refer to one another.

There have been privacy breaches, outings, and so on since the beginning of this industry. The only thing any of us can do is pray for discretion, and try to maintain the respectful dignity which this intimate hobby/industry should beget.

I think the connections which occur are fascinating to watch, and to be a part of over time. Of late I have found my interactions have moved to a specific location due to the changes which were forced down all of our throats by the legalities we face. We have to respect the few avenues of contact which are available out there for us (even if it is not always filled with things we agree with). I know many times there are members who stay or go based upon the presence of another member. The loss of some of those members will always be a detriment to the community, while others may actually brighten the overall atmosphere. At the end of the day there is no real way to predict which will happen though.

Nothing in life is "All or Nothing". Without a doubt this industry, hobby, or whatever it is to you personally... will never be "All or Nothing". Expecting an all or nothing response from another within the community based on the actions of others will almost always net you the identical situation. The loss of a member from the community in question.

While one member might not seem like much to the overall community, in some cases it will cause others to follow.

Maybe it is time to stop the negativity so that we can revert back to what these forums were intended for. Social discourse mixed with finding and sharing information within a mutual hobby.

Just the opinions of someone who has grown a bit weary of seeing bitterness on every site they log into.

Naughty kisses,
Lily Divine

 

[Boing]

Lily, wrong site. I have no idea where you think this is us?.

Maybe it is time to stop the negativity so that we can revert back to what these forums were intended for. Social discourse mixed with finding and sharing information within a mutual hobby.

 

[Lily Divine]

Lily, wrong site. I have no idea where you think this is us?.

Maybe it is time to stop the negativity so that we can revert back to what these forums were intended for. Social discourse mixed with finding and sharing information within a mutual hobby.

Funny Boing because I have seen it on threads here. The bickering and BS is part of why I stopped playing in the lounge.

Even though much is in jest...

https://www.hubgfe.com/community/sh...te-Faced-Indians-call-me-Dirty-for-Having-Sex

https://www.hubgfe.com/community/sh...erweight-and-she-doesn-t-take-care-of-herself

Maybe it is because I rarely log in outside of doing my ads, and I got mentioned in the second thread.

On top of that...

I was very poignantly informed that some don't read the other two forums I cross posted this to. I wouldn't ever force someone to read the forums I post on to convey my message... I assure you the people who inspired this will read it on one of the boards now.

You may not be one of those who played the game, but others here have and do.

 

[Siodd]

Funny Boing because I have seen it on threads here. The bickering and BS is part of why I stopped playing in the lounge.

Even though much is in jest...

https://www.hubgfe.com/community/sh...te-Faced-Indians-call-me-Dirty-for-Having-Sex

https://www.hubgfe.com/community/sh...erweight-and-she-doesn-t-take-care-of-herself

Maybe it is because I rarely log in outside of doing my ads, and I got mentioned in the second thread.

On top of that...

I was very poignantly informed that some don't read the other two forums I cross posted this to. I wouldn't ever force someone to read the forums I post on to convey my message... I assure you the people who inspired this will read it on one of the boards now.

You may not be one of those who played the game, but others here have and do.

You have to be kidding me :Thatwas-bad:

REALLY?. Those links are tame to what you are used to. I think you just insulted HUBGFE.

That is such a bullshit comment. why I stopped playing in the lounge

 

[Lily Divine]

You have to be kidding me :Thatwas-bad:

REALLY?. Those links are tame to what you are used to. I think you just insulted HUBGFE.

That is such a bullshit comment. why I stopped playing in the lounge

You have no idea what I'm used to.

Thank you for your opinion though.

Never once did I insult the forum... I simply pointed out that while this is typically the gentler of the 3 it still goes on.

 

[Maurice Boscorelli]

You have to be kidding me :Thatwas-bad:

REALLY?. Those links are tame to what you are used to. I think you just insulted HUBGFE.

That is such a bullshit comment. why I stopped playing in the lounge

I would have to concur with this post.

I'm on three boards altogether but primarily on this one. It is here where I can find myself being amused and entertained and sometimes learn a thing or two as well. Hopefully I have contributed in some small way as well.

I get a little mad at myself for stopping by the blue board/ enquirer board to check out the depths to which the membership can sink to over there. I liken it to slowing down to watching a car wreck on the highway. Curiosity gets the better of me I begrudgingly admit.

I often wonder why the usual suspects over there continue the same inane dribble day after day. Surely they must realize how utterly ridiculous they look. furthermore if I was a hobbyist and read the diatribe that some of the ladies spew out I would never and I repeat never book them.

 

[Lily Divine]

I would have to concur with this post.

I'm on three boards altogether but primarily on this one. It is here where I can find myself being amused and entertained and sometimes learn a thing or two as well. Hopefully I have contributed in some small way as well.

I get a little mad at myself for stopping by the blue board/ enquirer board to check out the depths to which the membership can sink to over there. I liken it to slowing down to watching a car wreck on the highway. Curiosity gets the better of me I begrudgingly admit.

I often wonder why the usual suspects over there continue the same inane dribble day after day. Surely they must realize how utterly ridiculous they look. furthermore if I was a hobbyist and read the diatribe that some of the ladies spew out I would never and I repeat never book them.

I used to quite enjoy this forum... I admit I stepped away from it for reasons known to me alone.

If someone truly looks at the timeline, and knew me they would likely discern what caused part of it. The rest is personal and related to a couple specific friends not being here.

As a chat junkie I follow the chat crew. Always have and likely always will.

Since you're on all three I will encourage you to read red. Someone who understood what I was trying to say voiced their opinion.
.
Suffice to say I'm not the only person who has noticed the change in overall tone.

As for blue... Most of us can't seem to avoid watching. Unfortunately that means traffic and people multitasking their way into the ad section. The drama seems to be good for some.

What I've found interesting is how the thread has been perceived in each location. Such different atmospheric conditions in communities which overlap heavily.

 

[InfidelHarper]

F

https://www.hubgfe.com/community/sh...te-Faced-Indians-call-me-Dirty-for-Having-Sex

https://www.hubgfe.com/community/sh...erweight-and-she-doesn-t-take-care-of-herself

.

Funny how you are comparing stupid here vs cruel there. I can hang around with dumb people but shy away from the ones you do. I am with Maurice on this one.

 

[Lily Divine]

Funny how you are comparing stupid here vs cruel there. I can hang around with dumb people but shy away from the ones you do. I am with Maurice on this one.

My point with the two links was that it's not an immunity issue.

*sigh*

I'm glad the reading comprehension is high here. My goodness I miss one particular person right now.

 

[Oilcan]

I'm glad the reading comprehension is high here. My goodness I miss one particular person right now.

Being sarcastic won't help much to motivate those you have insulted here. You should get something straight and if you understand then drama should stop here.

Miss Lily: No one is forcing you to make a stand or to choose sides. If you are weary of seeing bitterness, then tell them not this site. You are being disillusioned like all the multiple handles that spend the day talking to themselves over there.

Why you bringing this shit here?.

 

[Pamela]

Lily,

While I understand your sentiments (and also from where they've originated), I think you've lost touch with the bigger picture because you've failed to take accountability for your actions in allowing yourself to feel this way through your own actions in both opening/reading the threads which you know you will find offensive, and also participating/engaging on the same forums, alongside the same people who have sparked these sentiments in the first place.

Please understand that I'm not trying to "scold" you or say that you are in any way to blame for whatever might be taking place on these other venues; but what I am trying to do is give you the opportunity to disengage from these people, places and posts for your own peace of mind because essentially (and despite what others may be doing) this really all about the choices you make for yourself, and on that front I'd like to offer you some information and advice.



CHOICES:

You are responsible for the choices you make and this is very good thing because by changing what you choose to do in future you can take charge of many different situations despite what others might be doing around you.
You choose;

- which forums you participate on
- how you utilize those forums
- which threads you open/read
- which persons you associate with
- what you say or don't say
- how you feel upon reading something
- how you react to others thoughts/opinions/actions
- how long you carry any simulated emotions with you, or not
​

Choosing Forums-
As an advertiser you want to choose to invest your time and/or money in to those forums where your ads can receive high exposure and where there is a respectable clientele base for the benefit of your business. As you said in your original post, even within the most problematic of forums there are many wonderful clients watching the boards and ads sections, thus choosing an ad venue based on the other areas of a forum and/or its other participants behaviours can be a poor choice for advertisers who fail to see the bigger picture; with that being said there are many participants who will not see advertisers who use any one specific forum because they are so set against that forums overall attitudes, ethics, etc... which can make choosing an ad venue a bit of a double edged sword.
Ultimately the choice is yours.

Utilizing Forums-
Despite which ever forums you might to choose to advertise on, how you participate outside of placing your adverts is solely at your personal discretion. Many advertisers post their ads and that's where their participation ends. Some advertisers enjoy participating in light areas of discussion along with posting their ads; but they chose to avoid being a part of any of the negativism which might arise in other areas/threads by keeping out of such dramatics. Others enjoy the drama and watch it without actively participating in it publicly; while there are some who feed off it wholeheartedly and become greatly enmeshed within the dynamic both emotionally and socially.
How you chose to participate on forums is entirely up to you.

Reading Forums/Threads-
Not everything which is written on a public forum is going to be positive or even a peaceful area of discussion; while there are certainly some legitimate areas of sensitive issues wherein posters might have opposing positions or values, there are also some posters who enjoy causing controversy and will make such posts just for the sake of garnering the emotionally triggered reactions of others. In the latter posting habits, these members handles and/or their threads titles are usually a dead give away to a pointless probing for emotional reaction, and if by chance their intent can not be readily seen by those simple elements alone their motives can usually be determined within the first post of their created thread quickly enough.
Opening any forum thread is a process of selection; you chose to whether open a thread or not, and/or whether you'll continue reading the contents of any thread as time passes.

Associations-
Public forums comprise a wide variety of personalities and attitudes, which is essentially just the nature of the beast which we call the internet. As I have stated above, there are some who thoroughly enjoy the drama of stimulating emotional reactions and public outbursts; however there are many others (the majority) who do not. Selecting your associations based on individual behaviours and behavioural histories is key.
You chose who associate with as a client, a forum friend, a duo partner, a social sexworker friend, etc... Making an informed choice when considering these associations is completely up to you.

Your Posts-
While you do not have any amount of control over what others might say, if you have full control of your own faculties then you do have control over what you personally post and also when or if you post anything at all, and silence is always an option. Choose your words carefully by taking time to consider what you want to say and how you'd like to express your thoughts, or choose not to comment at all; but do take time to weigh your options carefully because once it's "out there" you can't ever take it back.

Your Feelings-
A very common misconception is that other people "make us feel" something, which is just absolute balderdash, and I'll tell you why that is; while it is true that the behaviours of others can often times spark an initial emotional reaction within us, holding on to that emotion or reacting to it is a choice which we, ourselves, make as individuals. We choose whether or not the actions/intentions of another effect us emotionally by choosing whether or not we hold on to any triggered emotions. While you cannot control the behaviours of others placing the situation itself into perspective, and better understanding the behaviours/motivations of the person who might have triggered any emotion (feeling) within you, can help to limit the amount of time which the initially felt emotion exists.
Essentially you choose to hold on to the stimulated emotion or whether you let it go.

Your Reactions-
The same way you chose whether or not you hold on to any stimulated emotion, you also also have a choice in how you might react to any emotional trigger whether it be publicly, privately, actively, passively, emotionally, etc... Much the same way as you are free to choose to your words, you are also free to chose your actions or reactions to any given situation which might arise by implementing a process of thought and evaluation as you appropriate the situation in order to form any instant urge/reaction you might have at the time of emotional trigger. Again, you need to place things in perspective here; look at the entirety of the situation from all angles, and understand the motivations of the other party(ies) in question.
Reaction formation, for some, can be a complex process which takes time; there is nothing wrong with leaving a situation and allowing your head to clear prior to making a decision on how/whether you react, and for some this is the best and/or only way to ensure that reactions are made cognitively when emotions have been triggered.
You choose what you do or what you don't do; but your actions (or reactions to the actions of others) are your choice alone.

Emotional Effect-
As described in the area of "your feelings" how long you choose to hold onto emotions and how deeply they effect you is something which lays completely within your personal control. Granted emotional triggers can be strong and/or quite hurtful/penetrating, but carrying them with you (or not) is an absolute choice which you make for yourself to ensure your own wellbeing in both the short and long term.
Emotional regulation is not about not allowing yourself to feel "any" emotions; but rather taking the time to evaluate the situation so that the emotions which are being felt are in fact valid and proportionate to the situation.
Taking time to reflect on what your feeling, why your feeling it and how the actions of another might have caused these emotional reactions is one way.
Another way is question your thought process along side emotions you might be feeling in order to ascertain whether or not you are personalizing, projecting, or transferring emotions based on what you feel is taking place, as opposed to what is truly happening before you.
Again, we might not be able to choose how our emotional reactions are initially triggered; but we absolutely have a choice whether or not we carry those thoughts and feelings with us- it's a cognitive choice we are all capable of making for ourselves, considering we take the time to add cognition to the table at the 'emotional buffet' so to speak


My final piece of advice; choose yourself over others- in that I mean chose what's right for you and your own wellbeing as opposed to being lured into drama and disheartenment for the entertainment of others. You are absolutely worth the time and effort it takes to take care of yourself and ensure that your own personal needs are being met in all aspects. Take time away from the forums and do something else you enjoy. Treat yourself to something special just because you're fabulous and you deserve it. Let the "haters" have whatever they want, and remain true to yourself and your needs despite their actions because once you learn how to disengage from the dramatics of online interactions their thoughts and opinions won't matter to you as much, if at all.



My apologies for the great length of this post; however I can see that your struggling with the online mentalities and behaviours of others which is not something you have to endure if you're willing to take the time to make your future choices carefully and with a clearly intended purpose in mind, and while I agree that much of what I've written is little more than common sense, sometimes a gentle reminder (or a detailed plan of action) is all that's needed to get one back on track towards the better days which inevitably lay ahead.

Take care sweetie

 

[Boing]

Lily,

While I understand your sentiments (and also from where they've originated), I think you've lost touch with the bigger picture because you've failed to take accountability for your actions in allowing yourself to feel this way through your own actions in both opening/reading the threads which you know you will find offensive, and also participating/engaging on the same forums, alongside the same people who have sparked these sentiments in the first place.

Please understand that I'm not trying to "scold" you or say that you are in any way to blame for whatever might be taking place on these other venues; but what I am trying to do is give you the opportunity to disengage from these people, places and posts for your own peace of mind because essentially (and despite what others may be doing) this really all about the choices you make for yourself, and on that front I'd like to offer you some information and advice.



CHOICES:

You are responsible for the choices you make and this is very good thing because by changing what you choose to do in future you can take charge of many different situations despite what others might be doing around you.
You choose;

- which forums you participate on
- how you utilize those forums
- which threads you open/read
- which persons you associate with
- what you say or don't say
- how you feel upon reading something
- how you react to others thoughts/opinions/actions
- how long you carry any simulated emotions with you, or not
​

Choosing Forums-
As an advertiser you want to choose to invest your time and/or money in to those forums where your ads can receive high exposure and where there is a respectable clientele base for the benefit of your business. As you said in your original post, even within the most problematic of forums there are many wonderful clients watching the boards and ads sections, thus choosing an ad venue based on the other areas of a forum and/or its other participants behaviours can be a poor choice for advertisers who fail to see the bigger picture; with that being said there are many participants who will not see advertisers who use any one specific forum because they are so set against that forums overall attitudes, ethics, etc... which can make choosing an ad venue a bit of a double edged sword.
Ultimately the choice is yours.

Utilizing Forums-
Despite which ever forums you might to choose to advertise on, how you participate outside of placing your adverts is solely at your personal discretion. Many advertisers post their ads and that's where their participation ends. Some advertisers enjoy participating in light areas of discussion along with posting their ads; but they chose to avoid being a part of any of the negativism which might arise in other areas/threads by keeping out of such dramatics. Others enjoy the drama and watch it without actively participating in it publicly; while there are some who feed off it wholeheartedly and become greatly enmeshed within the dynamic both emotionally and socially.
How you chose to participate on forums is entirely up to you.

Reading Forums/Threads-
Not everything which is written on a public forum is going to be positive or even a peaceful area of discussion; while there are certainly some legitimate areas of sensitive issues wherein posters might have opposing positions or values, there are also some posters who enjoy causing controversy and will make such posts just for the sake of garnering the emotionally triggered reactions of others. In the latter posting habits, these members handles and/or their threads titles are usually a dead give away to a pointless probing for emotional reaction, and if by chance their intent can not be readily seen by those simple elements alone their motives can usually be determined within the first post of their created thread quickly enough.
Opening any forum thread is a process of selection; you chose to whether open a thread or not, and/or whether you'll continue reading the contents of any thread as time passes.

Associations-
Public forums comprise a wide variety of personalities and attitudes, which is essentially just the nature of the beast which we call the internet. As I have stated above, there are some who thoroughly enjoy the drama of stimulating emotional reactions and public outbursts; however there are many others (the majority) who do not. Selecting your associations based on individual behaviours and behavioural histories is key.
You chose who associate with as a client, a forum friend, a duo partner, a social sexworker friend, etc... Making an informed choice when considering these associations is completely up to you.

Your Posts-
While you do not have any amount of control over what others might say, if you have full control of your own faculties then you do have control over what you personally post and also when or if you post anything at all, and silence is always an option. Choose your words carefully by taking time to consider what you want to say and how you'd like to express your thoughts, or choose not to comment at all; but do take time to weigh your options carefully because once it's "out there" you can't ever take it back.

Your Feelings-
A very common misconception is that other people "make us feel" something, which is just absolute balderdash, and I'll tell you why that is; while it is true that the behaviours of others can often times spark an initial emotional reaction within us, holding on to that emotion or reacting to it is a choice which we, ourselves, make as individuals. We choose whether or not the actions/intentions of another effect us emotionally by choosing whether or not we hold on to any triggered emotions. While you cannot control the behaviours of others placing the situation itself into perspective, and better understanding the behaviours/motivations of the person who might have triggered any emotion (feeling) within you, can help to limit the amount of time which the initially felt emotion exists.
Essentially you choose to hold on to the stimulated emotion or whether you let it go.

Your Reactions-
The same way you chose whether or not you hold on to any stimulated emotion, you also also have a choice in how you might react to any emotional trigger whether it be publicly, privately, actively, passively, emotionally, etc... Much the same way as you are free to choose to your words, you are also free to chose your actions or reactions to any given situation which might arise by implementing a process of thought and evaluation as you appropriate the situation in order to form any instant urge/reaction you might have at the time of emotional trigger. Again, you need to place things in perspective here; look at the entirety of the situation from all angles, and understand the motivations of the other party(ies) in question.
Reaction formation, for some, can be a complex process which takes time; there is nothing wrong with leaving a situation and allowing your head to clear prior to making a decision on how/whether you react, and for some this is the best and/or only way to ensure that reactions are made cognitively when emotions have been triggered.
You choose what you do or what you don't do; but your actions (or reactions to the actions of others) are your choice alone.

Emotional Effect-
As described in the area of "your feelings" how long you choose to hold onto emotions and how deeply they effect you is something which lays completely within your personal control. Granted emotional triggers can be strong and/or quite hurtful/penetrating, but carrying them with you (or not) is an absolute choice which you make for yourself to ensure your own wellbeing in both the short and long term.
Emotional regulation is not about not allowing yourself to feel "any" emotions; but rather taking the time to evaluate the situation so that the emotions which are being felt are in fact valid and proportionate to the situation.
Taking time to reflect on what your feeling, why your feeling it and how the actions of another might have caused these emotional reactions is one way.
Another way is question your thought process along side emotions you might be feeling in order to ascertain whether or not you are personalizing, projecting, or transferring emotions based on what you feel is taking place, as opposed to what is truly happening before you.
Again, we might not be able to choose how our emotional reactions are initially triggered; but we absolutely have a choice whether or not we carry those thoughts and feelings with us- it's a cognitive choice we are all capable of making for ourselves, considering we take the time to add cognition to the table at the 'emotional buffet' so to speak


My final piece of advice; choose yourself over others- in that I mean chose what's right for you and your own wellbeing as opposed to being lured into drama and disheartenment for the entertainment of others. You are absolutely worth the time and effort it takes to take care of yourself and ensure that your own personal needs are being met in all aspects. Take time away from the forums and do something else you enjoy. Treat yourself to something special just because you're fabulous and you deserve it. Let the "haters" have whatever they want, and remain true to yourself and your needs despite their actions because once you learn how to disengage from the dramatics of online interactions their thoughts and opinions won't matter to you as much, if at all.



My apologies for the great length of this post; however I can see that your struggling with the online mentalities and behaviours of others which is not something you have to endure if you're willing to take the time to make your future choices carefully and with a clearly intended purpose in mind, and while I agree that much of what I've written is little more than common sense, sometimes a gentle reminder (or a detailed plan of action) is all that's needed to get one back on track towards the better days which inevitably lay ahead.

Take care sweetie

I am in love :heart::heart:arty::Rose::Rose:

 

[Louis XIV]

Consider this a statement of my thoughts, and feelings. I will be cross posting it on all forums I'm active on in the GTA.

I am tired of being forced to make a stand, or choose sides. In all honesty it is so far beyond what I hope to experience through this hobby that it sickens me, and I actually end up becoming "unavailable" for "Lily Time" because of it. I would like to apologize to those who have been affected by that of late... It wasn't you it was me. I hope you can understand better now why I said I wouldn't be at my best on the days I have chosen to take off. For those I've made time for... It is purely because I knew without a doubt that you would lift my heart, and lighten my soul. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.

In my entire time on the forums I have felt it was imperative to try to do the ethical thing (as I saw it through logic and moral own compass). I do attempt to be kind, and make decisions about other humans (and I may be using this term loosely) who post. I make my opinions on my own, without the opinions of others completely dictating my own thoughts. I do not always agree with the group consensus. This often seems to result in a situation where I have to speak up, or choose to stay silent for all appearances while handling things discreetly, and behind closed doors. These are choices made due to the many life lessons that I have had thrown my way over my time surfing online forums.

I do not have it in me anymore to have a knock down, drag out post war. I couldn't care less about the mind sucking, time consumption that is a flame war (though I can likely light a fire with more accuracy than most, and my aim tends to be true). I might feel compelled to post something poignant when I see something with regularity, but I have actively attempted to stay out of the fray most times. What is the use in being the last one standing when the dust settles, if you are holding the sword of justice (as you saw it to be)?

Many seem to have forgotten their humanity within this hobby. They've forgotten that the person on the other side of the screen is a human being who has thoughts, feelings, and a reason behind their actions.

The men forget that the women in the industry do this for a number of reasons at times. They forget the very simple fact that the women who participate on the forums are likely doing so because they actively seek out the connections it brings. Each of those women connects in the fashion that suits them best. Be it a photo thread, an erotic story, or a flirtatious chat; It is in truth all the same at the end of the day... A bit of insight into their mind and soul which is always a brilliant marketing tool in something so personal.

Some men have gone so far as to demoralize, or devalue women who are in the industry advertising a specific service, look, or even because they are listed on a specific site. Quite literally thinking that all women in this industry who perform a certain action, have that look, or are active in a specific location are identical. The women are no more identical in all ways then the gentlemen are. To paint all with a singular brush means you are in truth perpetrating the stereotypes which so many openly oppose.

Some women forget that the men looking to see them are more than just a stack of money. You will always find that gentleman who is in and out as quickly as he can with no connection, and no real depth. The reality is when you are participating on the forums it often brings more to the table. There's an awareness that comes from seeing the person interact. I've found sometimes a bit more conversation, or indeed a connection occurs because of that awareness. Someone who's photos might not have been the first draw for a man, may completely turn his head with a well placed post...

Some women treat this like a business, some have made intimacy an art form, while others treat it like it is their own dating game... There is no wrong answer here because everything has it's place in this very vast industry. At the end of the day the only real absolute which should be adhered to is respecting those whom we spend time with by way of protecting each others privacy, and being respectful in how we refer to one another.

There have been privacy breaches, outings, and so on since the beginning of this industry. The only thing any of us can do is pray for discretion, and try to maintain the respectful dignity which this intimate hobby/industry should beget.

I think the connections which occur are fascinating to watch, and to be a part of over time. Of late I have found my interactions have moved to a specific location due to the changes which were forced down all of our throats by the legalities we face. We have to respect the few avenues of contact which are available out there for us (even if it is not always filled with things we agree with). I know many times there are members who stay or go based upon the presence of another member. The loss of some of those members will always be a detriment to the community, while others may actually brighten the overall atmosphere. At the end of the day there is no real way to predict which will happen though.

Nothing in life is "All or Nothing". Without a doubt this industry, hobby, or whatever it is to you personally... will never be "All or Nothing". Expecting an all or nothing response from another within the community based on the actions of others will almost always net you the identical situation. The loss of a member from the community in question.

While one member might not seem like much to the overall community, in some cases it will cause others to follow.

Maybe it is time to stop the negativity so that we can revert back to what these forums were intended for. Social discourse mixed with finding and sharing information within a mutual hobby.

Just the opinions of someone who has grown a bit weary of seeing bitterness on every site they log into.

Naughty kisses,
Lily Divine

Maybe find some knitting circle forums, or maybe cooking, needle point, dog grooming, cheese making, skin care....some place where the drama factor remains sub-zero. You may find your quality of life starts to pick up considerably.

 

[Louis XIV]

Lily,

While I understand your sentiments (and also from where they've originated), I think you've lost touch with the bigger picture because you've failed to take accountability for your actions in allowing yourself to feel this way through your own actions in both opening/reading the threads which you know you will find offensive, and also participating/engaging on the same forums, alongside the same people who have sparked these sentiments in the first place.

Please understand that I'm not trying to "scold" you or say that you are in any way to blame for whatever might be taking place on these other venues; but what I am trying to do is give you the opportunity to disengage from these people, places and posts for your own peace of mind because essentially (and despite what others may be doing) this really all about the choices you make for yourself, and on that front I'd like to offer you some information and advice.



CHOICES:

You are responsible for the choices you make and this is very good thing because by changing what you choose to do in future you can take charge of many different situations despite what others might be doing around you.
You choose;

- which forums you participate on
- how you utilize those forums
- which threads you open/read
- which persons you associate with
- what you say or don't say
- how you feel upon reading something
- how you react to others thoughts/opinions/actions
- how long you carry any simulated emotions with you, or not
​

Choosing Forums-
As an advertiser you want to choose to invest your time and/or money in to those forums where your ads can receive high exposure and where there is a respectable clientele base for the benefit of your business. As you said in your original post, even within the most problematic of forums there are many wonderful clients watching the boards and ads sections, thus choosing an ad venue based on the other areas of a forum and/or its other participants behaviours can be a poor choice for advertisers who fail to see the bigger picture; with that being said there are many participants who will not see advertisers who use any one specific forum because they are so set against that forums overall attitudes, ethics, etc... which can make choosing an ad venue a bit of a double edged sword.
Ultimately the choice is yours.

Utilizing Forums-
Despite which ever forums you might to choose to advertise on, how you participate outside of placing your adverts is solely at your personal discretion. Many advertisers post their ads and that's where their participation ends. Some advertisers enjoy participating in light areas of discussion along with posting their ads; but they chose to avoid being a part of any of the negativism which might arise in other areas/threads by keeping out of such dramatics. Others enjoy the drama and watch it without actively participating in it publicly; while there are some who feed off it wholeheartedly and become greatly enmeshed within the dynamic both emotionally and socially.
How you chose to participate on forums is entirely up to you.

Reading Forums/Threads-
Not everything which is written on a public forum is going to be positive or even a peaceful area of discussion; while there are certainly some legitimate areas of sensitive issues wherein posters might have opposing positions or values, there are also some posters who enjoy causing controversy and will make such posts just for the sake of garnering the emotionally triggered reactions of others. In the latter posting habits, these members handles and/or their threads titles are usually a dead give away to a pointless probing for emotional reaction, and if by chance their intent can not be readily seen by those simple elements alone their motives can usually be determined within the first post of their created thread quickly enough.
Opening any forum thread is a process of selection; you chose to whether open a thread or not, and/or whether you'll continue reading the contents of any thread as time passes.

Associations-
Public forums comprise a wide variety of personalities and attitudes, which is essentially just the nature of the beast which we call the internet. As I have stated above, there are some who thoroughly enjoy the drama of stimulating emotional reactions and public outbursts; however there are many others (the majority) who do not. Selecting your associations based on individual behaviours and behavioural histories is key.
You chose who associate with as a client, a forum friend, a duo partner, a social sexworker friend, etc... Making an informed choice when considering these associations is completely up to you.

Your Posts-
While you do not have any amount of control over what others might say, if you have full control of your own faculties then you do have control over what you personally post and also when or if you post anything at all, and silence is always an option. Choose your words carefully by taking time to consider what you want to say and how you'd like to express your thoughts, or choose not to comment at all; but do take time to weigh your options carefully because once it's "out there" you can't ever take it back.

Your Feelings-
A very common misconception is that other people "make us feel" something, which is just absolute balderdash, and I'll tell you why that is; while it is true that the behaviours of others can often times spark an initial emotional reaction within us, holding on to that emotion or reacting to it is a choice which we, ourselves, make as individuals. We choose whether or not the actions/intentions of another effect us emotionally by choosing whether or not we hold on to any triggered emotions. While you cannot control the behaviours of others placing the situation itself into perspective, and better understanding the behaviours/motivations of the person who might have triggered any emotion (feeling) within you, can help to limit the amount of time which the initially felt emotion exists.
Essentially you choose to hold on to the stimulated emotion or whether you let it go.

Your Reactions-
The same way you chose whether or not you hold on to any stimulated emotion, you also also have a choice in how you might react to any emotional trigger whether it be publicly, privately, actively, passively, emotionally, etc... Much the same way as you are free to choose to your words, you are also free to chose your actions or reactions to any given situation which might arise by implementing a process of thought and evaluation as you appropriate the situation in order to form any instant urge/reaction you might have at the time of emotional trigger. Again, you need to place things in perspective here; look at the entirety of the situation from all angles, and understand the motivations of the other party(ies) in question.
Reaction formation, for some, can be a complex process which takes time; there is nothing wrong with leaving a situation and allowing your head to clear prior to making a decision on how/whether you react, and for some this is the best and/or only way to ensure that reactions are made cognitively when emotions have been triggered.
You choose what you do or what you don't do; but your actions (or reactions to the actions of others) are your choice alone.

Emotional Effect-
As described in the area of "your feelings" how long you choose to hold onto emotions and how deeply they effect you is something which lays completely within your personal control. Granted emotional triggers can be strong and/or quite hurtful/penetrating, but carrying them with you (or not) is an absolute choice which you make for yourself to ensure your own wellbeing in both the short and long term.
Emotional regulation is not about not allowing yourself to feel "any" emotions; but rather taking the time to evaluate the situation so that the emotions which are being felt are in fact valid and proportionate to the situation.
Taking time to reflect on what your feeling, why your feeling it and how the actions of another might have caused these emotional reactions is one way.
Another way is question your thought process along side emotions you might be feeling in order to ascertain whether or not you are personalizing, projecting, or transferring emotions based on what you feel is taking place, as opposed to what is truly happening before you.
Again, we might not be able to choose how our emotional reactions are initially triggered; but we absolutely have a choice whether or not we carry those thoughts and feelings with us- it's a cognitive choice we are all capable of making for ourselves, considering we take the time to add cognition to the table at the 'emotional buffet' so to speak


My final piece of advice; choose yourself over others- in that I mean chose what's right for you and your own wellbeing as opposed to being lured into drama and disheartenment for the entertainment of others. You are absolutely worth the time and effort it takes to take care of yourself and ensure that your own personal needs are being met in all aspects. Take time away from the forums and do something else you enjoy. Treat yourself to something special just because you're fabulous and you deserve it. Let the "haters" have whatever they want, and remain true to yourself and your needs despite their actions because once you learn how to disengage from the dramatics of online interactions their thoughts and opinions won't matter to you as much, if at all.



My apologies for the great length of this post; however I can see that your struggling with the online mentalities and behaviours of others which is not something you have to endure if you're willing to take the time to make your future choices carefully and with a clearly intended purpose in mind, and while I agree that much of what I've written is little more than common sense, sometimes a gentle reminder (or a detailed plan of action) is all that's needed to get one back on track towards the better days which inevitably lay ahead.

Take care sweetie

TLDR.