- Thread starter Candyman
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Guido
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I love myself, so do the women that like to hold on to my love handles.
Blank_Dave
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Maybe you should try reading this, instead pointing at angry people and complaining they only talk about themselves. Conversational narcissism.
Now to answer your questions as to why do I hate myself so much....
So basically I was brought up to believe I was worth less than shit, because shit can at least be used for fertilizer and all I was good for was being a gofer.
Couple that with being an introvert and being a teenager at the time, found me being a a boiling cauldron of self hate/pity, loneliness and hormones.
Whilst reading Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat series, I found a "better way" in the emotionally void Grey Men, and Jonathan Littel's Bad Voltage sentiment of "it's just meat." I chose to retreat, to hide away, remove myself. That of course just folded back onto itself and festered even farther.
So yeah, it would appear I was suffering from depression as far back as high school, and lived with it for over 20 years before seeking help. So safe to say many of my beliefs about myself and others are quite ingrained, and whilst I know they aren't correct, I must actively correct myself. For example take Baz's favorite subject:Soulmate. I cannot see myself being someone's soulmate, lover, mate, SO, or what ever term you choose. I cannot see anyone being attracted to or loving me in that way. That is one belief I can't budge.
Now to answer your questions as to why do I hate myself so much....
- It's easier
- I was brought up to believe "good enough isn't good enough." Of course we all know we aren't perfect.
- I was frequently told "can't you do anything right?"
- Guilt was practically weaponized.
- Feelings and emotions were dismissed, or was told there was no reason for them
- Personal boundaries were ignored.
- I was frequently teased, and made fun of....And told I deserved it.
So basically I was brought up to believe I was worth less than shit, because shit can at least be used for fertilizer and all I was good for was being a gofer.
Couple that with being an introvert and being a teenager at the time, found me being a a boiling cauldron of self hate/pity, loneliness and hormones.
Whilst reading Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat series, I found a "better way" in the emotionally void Grey Men, and Jonathan Littel's Bad Voltage sentiment of "it's just meat." I chose to retreat, to hide away, remove myself. That of course just folded back onto itself and festered even farther.
So yeah, it would appear I was suffering from depression as far back as high school, and lived with it for over 20 years before seeking help. So safe to say many of my beliefs about myself and others are quite ingrained, and whilst I know they aren't correct, I must actively correct myself. For example take Baz's favorite subject:Soulmate. I cannot see myself being someone's soulmate, lover, mate, SO, or what ever term you choose. I cannot see anyone being attracted to or loving me in that way. That is one belief I can't budge.
There's a lot of things i dislike about myself, I don't really have strong negative emotion towards myself. I overanalyze things, and think of a million things to say. Then I don't say anything at all. I could go on and on about myself and how I'm insecure about a majority of things, but really, it affects me more than anyone else.
I think my insecurities and things i dislike about myself are just a standard for me to improve on personally.
I grew up with this nagging voice from all sorta of people..
"May I ask you how you are contributing your life to society, as you sit there, day after day after day, in this dark room typing along on that stupid keyboard, you ever thought about that? What are you doing for the world or for other people? Day after day, hour after hour, night after night."
If I don't do it your way I shouldn't do it at all is the gist of so many people in my life. Everyone wants to give advice or control my life while I take the consequences. Yet I manage to find success on my own and I'm looked down upon for it.
I'm thick headed, it's never really gotten to me. I've been called so many things. A failure, dissapointment, a nobody. They've said I'll go nowhere, find no one and that I'll never seek happiness. I've cut many ties and made many more knots. I guess it's affected me socially, which is why I try to be careful on how i speak. I am not a slave in my own head, but I wish those words and voices put more ambition and anger in me. Maybe it's better that I am who I am now. I don't really know.
I dislike myself for being too attached to people or things that won't hesitate to drop me on the sidewalk, and being too distant to the people I should be close to.
Just typing the first thing that pops in my mind, apologies if it's all mixed up and doesnt make sense.
I think my insecurities and things i dislike about myself are just a standard for me to improve on personally.
I grew up with this nagging voice from all sorta of people..
"May I ask you how you are contributing your life to society, as you sit there, day after day after day, in this dark room typing along on that stupid keyboard, you ever thought about that? What are you doing for the world or for other people? Day after day, hour after hour, night after night."
If I don't do it your way I shouldn't do it at all is the gist of so many people in my life. Everyone wants to give advice or control my life while I take the consequences. Yet I manage to find success on my own and I'm looked down upon for it.
I'm thick headed, it's never really gotten to me. I've been called so many things. A failure, dissapointment, a nobody. They've said I'll go nowhere, find no one and that I'll never seek happiness. I've cut many ties and made many more knots. I guess it's affected me socially, which is why I try to be careful on how i speak. I am not a slave in my own head, but I wish those words and voices put more ambition and anger in me. Maybe it's better that I am who I am now. I don't really know.
I dislike myself for being too attached to people or things that won't hesitate to drop me on the sidewalk, and being too distant to the people I should be close to.
Just typing the first thing that pops in my mind, apologies if it's all mixed up and doesnt make sense.
C
cristycurves
Guest
Candyman said:
Well Candy man, why don't you like yourself? You seem to have a misconceived notion and hatred towards "fat" people and your need to name call them, by your standards, implies that, you don't like your self. Please understand that simply because someone carries extra weight, does not mean they dislike themselves, it could mean their metabolism is simply slower than yours or mine, that their hormones are out of wack, or it could be they're meant to carry those extra pounds. Not every person is meant to be thin, or even medium built and believe me, many, many larger framed people are VERY happy with themselves, as they should be. Judging someone by their exterior is as shallow as a person can get, please do be that shallow.
I was taught that to love oneself meant you were an egotist, I realize now, how wrong that was. I'm very flawed, but I love myself regardless
and so does my dog
