Best of CL

[IFUSEEKAMY]

Anytime, SG.

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1361917175.html

I submit this brief in support of why we TOTALLY should get it on. - w4m

You & Me Doing It v. You & Me Not Doing It (2009)


Using that IRAC method we've been learning about, a compelling brief on why we should hump each other’s brains out.


FACTS:


You’re in my class at law school. You are tall, dark and very masculine. I find you quite attractive and it’s really distracting. I find reasons to look in your direction during class and I blatantly stare at you whenever we pass by one another. You seem to be returning the looks but I can’t figure out if you’re eye-raping me back, or if it’s more of a “what the fuck is this girl staring at” kind of look. I’m not Megan Fox, but if I was a guy, I don't think I'd kick me out of bed, so I dare to hope it’s the former?


Anyway, we’re expected to absorb class material sufficiently enough to one day pass the bar exam, and this is difficult when I’m more focused on what’s behind your zipper. It’s probably distracting to you as well for some chick to be gawking at you while you’re trying to cram massive amounts of information into your brain. (And I’m thinking about cramming appendages of yours into orifices of mine.)


ISSUE:


Should we have wild, crazy, meaningless animal sex?


RULE:


Distractions can be very detrimental to success in law school, and should be eliminated whenever possible.


ANALYSIS:


As detailed above in the facts, my desire to be plowed by you is a major distraction from my studies. It’s got to be a distraction to you as well since it’s probably unnerving to be stared at by a predatory sex-starved woman as if she wants to take a bite out of you. Per the above rule, this distraction to both of us needs to be eliminated for us to graduate from law school and pass the bar exam.


Solution? We get it on! I get it out of my system. You not only get laid, but you get the added benefit of not feeling my eyes burning into the side of your head (or your crotch) all through class. We move happily along with our legal education unimpeded by the distraction of sexual tension.


Afraid of possible disadvantages? I’ll address any potential concerns here. The quotes are you, and my response follows.


“Will I catch any diseases?” Nope. Clean as a whistle. Just got out of a long-term relationship and have only been with one person for the past 3 years. Got tested anyway though, and all is well in My-Vagina Land. (Except for its burning desire to be filled with your throbbing manhood.)


“Will you stalk me, or expect a relationship or commitment in return?” NO. You get free NSA sex. As mentioned above, I’m recently out of a long-term relationship. I’m not ready for another one nor do I have the time.


“What if it’s really bad, and we end up having to awkwardly avoid one another in class for the next 4 years?” I don’t plan on it being bad, at least on my end. Hopefully our encounter (or encounters, if it was so crazy awesome we decided to make it an ongoing FB arrangement) would go as follows: We leave class after our respective long days of work and school, both cranky, irritable and in desperate need of blowing off some steam. We go to your place or mine, whichever is closer. Maybe we engage in various acts of foreplay, or maybe we’re both ready to get to the main attraction so fuck it. You look like you would be HUGE, but I will still bravely tackle that monster and try my best to deep throat the whole thing. You then throw me down on the bed, floor, or any available surface, and have your way with me. This would ideally involve some spanking, hair pulling, and/or explicit dirty talk.


“What if a lot of women in the class stare at me, and I’m not sure which one you are? What if you’re one of the old or fat chicks, or really ugly?” I’m not going to describe my exact appearance because I will die of embarrassment if someone else in the class sees this and even speculates as to who I am. (Particularly a man I have dubbed Leery McPervert who stares at me the way I probably stare at you. I don’t want that dirty old man getting a boner knowing I’m all juiced up in class.) Yes I know I haven't even identified the law school, but I'm paranoid so bite me. (I mean that in the vernacular sense. But if you want to take it literally, I'd enjoy that too.) Anyway, I’m close to your age (twentysomething). When I look at myself I see “cute” but I get told I’m pretty, “beautiful” even. I’m not perfect, but I get hit on, catcalled and sexually harassed frequently enough to assume I must be at least somewhat doable. I even think I’ve seen you giving me a look or two. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking.


CONCLUSION:


For both of us to succeed in law school and ultimately pass the bar exam (and for me to not end up on the Megan's Law website for losing all self-restraint, walking across the room in the middle of class, and mounting you), we will need to have sex ASAP. Sexual proposition affirmed.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

There are lots of hidden authors in these CL posts.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mne/1175913837.html

Threesome with my Realdoll - mw4m

If you don’t know what a Realdoll is, either look it up or you should probably just move on. For those that are aware, I’ll give you the stats on my girl: Gabrielle has a Face 16, Body 5, she is about 4’10”, lighter skin tone, black hair, trimmed pubic hair, and 32 E breasts. She is a hottie in every sense of the word.


If you are serious about this, we would like to hear from you. You must be respectful of both Gabrielle and myself. Neither of us have ever had a threesome before, so this will be new to both of us. Also, she isn’t the most cooperative girl as far as positioning goes – although she is tiny, she is quite heavy. Perhaps with another guy present, it would open up additional possibilities. I’m not as picky as she is, so it would probably help your chances if you addressed your messages to her She would love to hear your basic info and any thoughts/ideas for our threesome. She has several outfits she could wear for us.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1145392897.html

Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit.

I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.
I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.
I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.
I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.
A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.
Please supply your own footwear.
The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.
DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1142071307.html

UPDATE: Can somebody tell me how to give a great blow job? - w4mw

I have to stop! I can't possibly respond to everybody. I had no Idea I would get so many suggestions. For those interested, the most common suggestions in no particular order are:


1) Go deep and hold your breath.
2) Make it wet
3) Use your hands also
4) Don't use your hands
5) Go slow
6) Go fast
7) Change up speed
8) Make eye contact
9) Hold his balls
10) Be gentle with the grandchildren (I had to ask-->Hold his balls gently)
11) Enjoy it
12) Always let him come in your mouth
13) Let him come in your mouth only on special occasions
14) Bargain for a nice dinner out first- That way you will really be excited to do it
15) Always swallow
16) Have him come in a glass and then you drink it
17) Invite a girlfriend or two to assist you.
18) Get between his legs to do it, rather than from the side.
19) Don't talk on the phone at the same time
20) Do it while he is on the phone with his boss.
21) Do it during dinner
22) Wake him up with it
23) Help him get to sleep with it


I've also had well over 100 men volunteer to offer to let me practice on them. (Thanks guys!) A half dozen guys volunteered to have their wives show me how (Thanks guys!..and gals!). One woman volunteered her husband so that she could take a break. (Thanks for that too!)


The best advice was to give a blow job to my ex's best friend and have him tell my ex that I'm no so bad. I have to say, that's my favorite, but why stop at just ONE best friend?! So guys, if your best friend recently got divorced, don't act stupid when I drop a hint.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/974639321.html

Stunt double look alike wanted for family photo shot

Hello i am posting this ad to enjoy some times off from getting dressed,a hair cut and the whole 9 yards.i will pay someone 25 bucks to smile in a photo for me with my in laws.easy money!


here's what i am looking for:
.asian male(26-29)
.Short black hair
.handsome smiles
.5'7
.160lbs
.Handsome like myself
.one messed up teeth


Plus i don't feel like shaving etc

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Honestly....I thought I had some pretty farked up ideas about sex. Turns out I'm quite vanilla.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/894700478.html

Necrophiliac seeking corpse

Seeking a tall, well-muscled insomniac to indulge a very particular fantasy. I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral. You will sleep like a cat, and I will watch you, ignore you, go out for a coffee, or possibly photograph you with my BlackBerry. When you awaken, we will watch low-quality American television and eat coconut sorbet.


Snorers, sheet-stealers, seafood-eaters and those with a post-CEGEP education need not apply.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/2313920928.html

Need Help With A Duck

I am looking for someone who can relocate a duck - thats the short story


I have a pool and every year a mallard and a hen show up and occupy my pool until I open it. This may sound dumb..... but I am serious. I have always had an assortment of methods to chase them away - and easily, bottle rockets etc.. radio, teenagers. Eventually they end up somewhere else - just not my pool. This year the hen showed up without the mallard. She won't leave and I'm pretty sure its the same one that has been here every year.


She won't leave, and I'm too nice to just go and be mean.


Well, I feel completely stupid, if someone knows how to extract a duck, well, I'm all ears.
Oh and YES I do get laughed at, at the office.....
Is there an online dating service for ducks?
Hey I've heard them all.
Lemme know.... Thanks for looking.. and stop laughing - I am serious


**************** UPDATE ******************


Thank you Craigslist people who have sent me a link to
plentyofduck
I probably misrepresented the hen as well... in heat or something..... (SORRY HEN)
Well, of course it took about 2 minutes to find a greenhead and they are a happy couple.. See Pic #2
Now.. I'm changing gears...
I'm having a fundraiser so that they can get a room... and do what they are doing now..... not in my pool...........
If you STILL want to relocate the ducks, they need a honeymoon suite..... somewhere else...
Glad someone (something) is making the best of this warm evening
THIS IS NOT A JOKE !!!!!!!!!




************* LAST UPDATE ******************
WOW ...... this went way out of hand...
NO I WILL NOT MAKE A PORN DUCK SITE!!!!!!!!!!! You Craigslist >>>&^&&^%&% ... people scare me.... read a book or something

 

[Tourist]

LMAO!!!!

:rofl!::rofl!::rofl!::rofl!:



Keep posting them!

 

[Valentino]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/2313920928.html

:banghead:

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/2370048082.html

Manhood Camping

Manhood Camping Firequest. Lookin' for a 100% for real bros to share/experience manhood in all its glory. This is for real, I don't want to waste my time or yours. 100% JO and manhood, no sugar added. I AM NOT GAY. Don't even think this is a sex thing, it's all about manhood.


Looking for bros to head into the woods and bond by fire, experience life as men once lived it, JO circle, and fire/vision quests.


THIS IS NOT A SEX THING.


Gonna need some basic things/skills, I don't want to be slowed down by fools:


- must be in reasonable shape, if you get winded walking then stay home
- Ed Hardy camping gear, it's really good gear and it's awesome
- desire to be a man among men
- not afraid to wield a blade
- crystal, I'm not sharing mine
- must be able to make a fire
- gloves
- a knowledge of native vegetation (knowledge of psychotropic fungus a plus)
- knowledge of modern music
- protective/splash resistant eye wear
- 5 - 10 of those clip things that rock climbers use




We are gonna need a mobile music device, ipod or something. I'm bringing the music for the firequests and visionquests, Nickleback's The Long Road. I only have it on CD, so I'll have my discman as a last resort, an ipod would be nicer. Just sayin'.




Dont' want to see"


- bad attitudes
- gay/homoerotic behavior, this is a manhood thing. I AM NOT GAY.
- cock rings, can't keep it up w/o help, you aren't gonna make it on this quest
- firearms, there's gonna be enough guns going off and spent shells to pick up
- the nerds/dorks/lames/and anyone less than 100% into manhood.


If you are serious, then I promise you this will be the trip of your life. It will change the way you think. I'm serious, and I AM NOT GAY. To see a group of bros being men, a JO circle by a camp fire. The charge/energy in the air. Crystals get jacked, no lie. You will slip into a different frame of mind, you will feel electric.


Last outing, we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears. It was no deal, nature knew man was in the forest, the crystals gave us the confidence to own those bears. I saw it, I was there.


100% SERIOUS, NO FAKERS

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1437857710.html

saw you leaving my moms house today... - m4w

I saw your very sexy finely tuned ass leaving my moms house today. I cant remember your name but you took my van. I need that van back it was a gift from my dad, well I bought it kinda but he didnt give me the van for like a year but it is mine now and I need my van. You have very large breast that are always falling out your shirt. I think that your way hot and I want you. but seriously I need that van back... You where wearing funny shoes and a goofy pants that make your legs look skinny and your butt look big. Big and fine. I want to know you get a piece of that ass maybe more who knows. Your the kinda girl that I could dip in a vat of nacho cheese and lick clean. you have kinda long hair and a sexy nose. I know what your thinking how could a nose be sexy but yours is soo hot. I cant even control my self. But bring my van back and maybe we can go get some Popsicles on my debt card or sometime. I mean I live with my mother for crying out loud. And who in the hell gave you the keys to my van. It is a blue lumina chevy and the driver side door doesnt open and the mirrior is busted but I need that mini van back. And Iam pretty sure Iam in love with you. so if you see this tell me your name give me my van back and lets get some cold chicken and hummus from the albertsons and chow baby.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

WTF Amy!

You owe me a new keyboard. This one is covered in coffee.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

Did you read FAKERS from the Manhood post as FARKERS too?

 

[Anto]

Can't believe these people actually take the time to write this crab.

Funny though :biggrin2:

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Did you read FAKERS from the Manhood post as FARKERS too?

Yes I did. :biggrin2:

 

[Cardinal Fang]

To the woman I accidentally punched - m4w

It was last Saturday and I was at the bar. My shitty boss made me work late Friday and then early Saturday morning. Then I was laid off at the end of the day. Needless to say I was pretty upset and in need of a good long night at the bar.

I got there straight from work at 6.30 and sat at the bar. You were a few stools down and there was a few people between us. About 11.30 there was only a few of us left and you moved down to the stool next to me and we casually chatted for the next hour before you started making advances at me. First off, I was very drunk at this point. That's important for you to understand.

Now, one of two things went horribly wrong here. Either I was so drunk that anything I said was impossible to understand or you were too drunk to put two and two together. You see, when I kept saying things like "thank you but I'm not like that" and "I'm not gay" it's because I thought you were a man. So naturally when you(who I thought was a man) tried to kiss me I believed it was time to fight and I punched you. I admit I SHOULD NOT have tried any wwe moves after that but I'm not a very good fighter and I was in attack mode.

Enter the large biker type guys playing pool in the back. If I would have known they were your brothers, I would've made out with you even if I thought you were a dude. Long story short, I hope that my 3 broken ribs and my missing tooth(it's right in the front by the way) are enough to make us even. I would still like to be friends and hopefully we can look back on this and laugh one day. I don't want to date but we can drink beer and lift weights or fish or something. Hope to hear from you

WTF

 

[Virus]

LOL on most.

 

[Leo]

Hanging out here for a while. So much to read.