JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[Chucky]

This is the story of a blonde taking her first flying lesson in a two-seater airplane with just the instructor.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me!
My instructor had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly.

Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a calm, steady voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received
your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now,
just relax. Everything will be just fine! Now give me your height and position.."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the calm voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father Who art in Heaven. . . .."

 

[Prick]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk. "Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

[Curly]

 

[Transient]

Robin, sorry to hear the news...how long do you have?

 

[DonCorleo]

 

[BEER]

I was at the ATM the other day, and an elderly lady approached and asked me to help her check her balance...........................




Sooooooo I pushed her........apparently thats not what she meant....

 

[Sophia Sinclair]

and SEX!

 

[SillyGirl]

:clapping::clapping::clapping:

YIPPY FOR TEQUILA!!!!

 

[a 1 player]

:clapping::clapping::clapping:

YIPPY FOR TEQUILA!!!!

Couldn't agree more.

 

[a 1 player]

Been on both sides of this.

 

[Sophia Sinclair]

DonCorleo, this one is for you!

 

[Robintheboywonder]

 

[Robintheboywonder]

 

[Transient]

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off his cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

 

[Transient]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has ever gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

 

[Sophia Sinclair]

What do you say? I mean, it's not like, "Excuse me, you've got something stuck in your teeth."

 

[Chucky]

And you think you had a bad day?

 

[God]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[train]

In honour of the recent 100 year anniversary

 

[Maurice Boscorelli]

Laugh for the day

Laugh for the day

[video]https://www.videobash.com/video_show/quot-so-dad-how-do-you-like-that-ipad-we-got-you-quot-254093[/video]

Christ this one hits close to home for me,lol.