JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[Art Mann]

Are you listening GOD?

Are you listening GOD?

Dear Lord,

2012 has been a tough year for me. You have taken:

• My favourite actor, Ernest Borgnine,

• My favourite novelist, Gore Vidal,

• My favourite lounge singer, Andy Williams,

• My favourite pop singer, Whitney Houston,

• My favourite actress, Celeste Holm,

• My favourite astronaut, Neil Armstrong,

• My favourite science fiction author, Ray Bradbury,

• My favourite newscaster, Mike Wallace,

• And recently my favourite jazz musician, Dave Brubeck.

So now, Dear Lord, I just want you to know that my favourite politician is The Right Honourable Stephen Harper, PC, BA, MA, MP, Prime Minister of Canada, 24 Sussex Drive, New Edinburgh, Ottawa K1M 1M4, Canada. You can find it on Google Earth.

Please keep my favourites all together.

Amen

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

​

 

[SillyGirl]

 

[cycleguy007]

LMFAO... right before it fades to black... :rofl!:

 

[HOF]

:rofl!::rofl!::rofl!::rofl!::rofl!:

 

[jiiimmm]

 

[HOF]

Shoot the cat, I like dogs!

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

​

 

[FineWineDiva]

An executive manager boarded an airplane and took his seat. He was looking forward to a week-long training conference in Chicago. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip
or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, the executive calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. " And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name. "Tonto Goldstein,the executive said, but my friends call me Bubba."​

 

[Stan Lee]

1. First and foremost, tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

2. When they ask, "How are you today"?, tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my pet rock just died."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been"? Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where in the world she could know you from.

5. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend"?

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

7. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask them if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

8. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

9. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right"? The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say goodbye and hang up.

10. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma"?

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

​

 

[Transient]