Lighten the Fuck up !!!

[shakeandbake]

Now that I have your attention I figured I would start a joke thread....Here goes:

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.
"Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?" he asks.
"That depends," says the doctor. "Do you smoke?"
"No." "Do you drink?" 

"No."
"Do you fool around with loose women?"
"Of course not." 
"Well, then," says the doctor. "Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?"

Your turn !!

 

[shakeandbake]

Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a fantastic idea!" he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.
"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"

 

[shakeandbake]

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me—I'm a virgin."
The puzzled man replies, "But you've been married three times before."
"I know," she says. "But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him."

 

[shakeandbake]

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

 

[illico]

An octogenarian goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. Being hard of hearing he has his wife, who still has excellent hearing in the examination room with him.

Doctor: How are you?
Old man: Wha?
Wife, shouting in ear: He asked how you were!
Old man: Fine!

Doctor: Any aches, pains or health problems since the last visit?
Old man: Wha?
Wife, shouting in ear: He asked if you had any aches, pains or health problems since the last visit!
Old man: No!

Doctor: Ok! Well, let's begin...I'll need a urine sample, a sperm sample and a stool sample from you...
Old man: Wha?

Wife, shouting in ear: He asked you for a pair of your underwear!

 

[Beenthere123]

Had to bring smylee's joke from another thread. Frieken funny.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

 

[BEER]

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!

 

[BEER]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

 

[RayFinkel]

How do stop a dog from humping your leg?







Pick it up and give it a blowjob.

 

[Beenthere123]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber -
THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked,
'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,
my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'​

​

​

 

[Esquire]

After a 69 with his girlfriend, Pepe remembered
he had a dental appointment in one hour.






Pepe was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, flossed 8 times and gargled


with 2 liters of Listerine.





Before he arrived at the dentist's office, he had been sucking on a roll of strong mints just to make sure !!!






Pepe's turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat.


Feeling very confident and relaxed, Pepe opened his mouth wide.





When the dentist got close enough he asked with a crooked look on his face:





"Whoa holy mackerel Pepe...did you HAVE to do a '69' before your


appointment?!"





Pepe asked in total amazement "Are you kiddin' me?!! Why??? Does my breath smell like pussy ?





The dentist replied, "No but your forehead smells like shit!..."

​

 

[Esquire]

Butt Measurements

Butt Measurements

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the

man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,

I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the

grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured

his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him

off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. ..............

She answers: 'Do you really

think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

 

[BEER]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
( because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know...... it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)