Blank_Dave
Reviewer
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2010
- Messages
- 1,780
1. When you feel around on the empty half of your bed, you find a single snow boot, a Life Magazine from 1967, and a half-eaten animal cracker that you swear is judging you with his frowny circus animal half-face.
2. You didn’t know “condom dust” was a thing, until you checked the hidden pocket in your wallet.
3. You’ve stopped saying uber-confident stuff to your friends like, “Tonight, I’m going to Bonetown, Virginia!” and now mutter quietly to yourself about how you yearn for physical intimacy. And then you shed a single tear, unbeknownst to the revelers around you, who are, in fact, there for your birthday party.
4. Your mom’s like, “Are you getting enough sex, dear?”
5. Your friends don’t even ask anymore.
6. You’ve kind of pretty much totally forgotten how to lip-kiss.
7. You have not plucked your Creepy Nipple Hair since before Carly Rae Jepsen was a thing.
8. You have looked at your naked reflection, stood tall, and said aloud, “I’m not that bad.”
9. You have looked at your naked reflection, stuck out your stomach, jiggled it around, frowned at your bellybutton, then ate ice cream in bed until you fell asleep.
10. You have almost successfully convinced yourself that nobody else in the whole world is having sex when your roommate — who has the same name as one of your parents — comes home with the loudest. One night stand. Of all time.
11. You know what’s better than sex?! Cheese. And RPGs. And watching Louie on Netflix, alone, in bed, with a box of white wine. Seriously, you all are missing out.
12. You’ve envisioned telling your next sex partner how long it’s been since your last sexual encounter, in case you do something severely incorrect.
13. Sometimes it feels like you are being beaten in the genitals with a wooden plank, but when you look down, nothing’s there.
14. Sometimes you forget you have sex parts.
15. You take comfort in knowing that you went 16 years without sex. Granted, that was from age zero to 16, but dammit, you can do it again if necessary
2. You didn’t know “condom dust” was a thing, until you checked the hidden pocket in your wallet.
3. You’ve stopped saying uber-confident stuff to your friends like, “Tonight, I’m going to Bonetown, Virginia!” and now mutter quietly to yourself about how you yearn for physical intimacy. And then you shed a single tear, unbeknownst to the revelers around you, who are, in fact, there for your birthday party.
4. Your mom’s like, “Are you getting enough sex, dear?”
5. Your friends don’t even ask anymore.
6. You’ve kind of pretty much totally forgotten how to lip-kiss.
7. You have not plucked your Creepy Nipple Hair since before Carly Rae Jepsen was a thing.
8. You have looked at your naked reflection, stood tall, and said aloud, “I’m not that bad.”
9. You have looked at your naked reflection, stuck out your stomach, jiggled it around, frowned at your bellybutton, then ate ice cream in bed until you fell asleep.
10. You have almost successfully convinced yourself that nobody else in the whole world is having sex when your roommate — who has the same name as one of your parents — comes home with the loudest. One night stand. Of all time.
11. You know what’s better than sex?! Cheese. And RPGs. And watching Louie on Netflix, alone, in bed, with a box of white wine. Seriously, you all are missing out.
12. You’ve envisioned telling your next sex partner how long it’s been since your last sexual encounter, in case you do something severely incorrect.
13. Sometimes it feels like you are being beaten in the genitals with a wooden plank, but when you look down, nothing’s there.
14. Sometimes you forget you have sex parts.
15. You take comfort in knowing that you went 16 years without sex. Granted, that was from age zero to 16, but dammit, you can do it again if necessary
