P
Prick
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- Thread starter jiggyjiggy
- Start date
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- Wife
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Wife
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the licence number". - Wife
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Family
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. - Family
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
- Family
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. - Childhood
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a wa****ed and found a guy at the bottom of it. - Childhood
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb. - Wife
My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. - Wife
I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody." - Doctors
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." - Wife
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. - Sex
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh. - Self
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. - Self
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Self
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - His Pet Dog
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. - Family
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! - Family
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. - Wife
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. - Family
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor. - My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
A guy wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves a tylenol down his wife's throat.
All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm just giving you a tylenol for your headache!" he replied.
"But I haven't got a headache!" she screamed.
"Good then, Let's fuck!" he says
All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm just giving you a tylenol for your headache!" he replied.
"But I haven't got a headache!" she screamed.
"Good then, Let's fuck!" he says
George Costanza
Senior Member
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2011
- Messages
- 996
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll think about it,' I said.
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how,may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
STAY AWAY FROM THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll think about it,' I said.
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how,may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
STAY AWAY FROM THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
(Gotta love military time)
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
(Gotta love military time)
B
Boing
Guest
Time for a new Jokes thread.
Time for a new Jokes thread.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
'CELEBRATE!!!'
Time for a new Jokes thread.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
'CELEBRATE!!!'
B
Boing
Guest
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth, records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life is not always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life is not always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
T
TINY
Guest
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting fortheir salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket, and ask you a life- changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that, for the last five years, I've been a hooker."
Ed replied, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight on your follow-through..."
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting fortheir salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket, and ask you a life- changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that, for the last five years, I've been a hooker."
Ed replied, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight on your follow-through..."
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2010
- Messages
- 6,933
Haha
cycleguy007
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2012
- Messages
- 202
LMFAO! Now THAT'S funny shit!
J
Jesus Quintana
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- Sep 14, 2010
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Hahahaha I can't believe you were serious about the name change S-h uh sorry JQ
- I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we’re stoning her in the morning!
- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie.
- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.”
- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
- The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway!
- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie.
- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.”
- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
- The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway!
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving
his testicles.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving
his testicles.
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