JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[HOF]

Gentlemen, if you not had the opportunity to engage with the lovely Sophia, you should!

Why?

1. Beautiful is just a word, go see for yourself.
2. Nobody would ever know that she is an escort.
3. Personality is awesome.
4. Sex, hers is just on fire!

 

[HOF]

​

 

[God]

LOL

 

[HOF]

​

 

[God]

ROTFLMFAO

:rofl!:

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

[SUB]

[/SUB]​

 

[Transient]

 

[Art Mann]

Bus crash causes environmental disaster in California

 

[Intrigued]

Lmao, keep this thread alive it's a hoooot.

 

[Satan]

 

[Nuts]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

1. 
   [*]NAME:_________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________
   [*]HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________ GPA____________
   [*]SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________________________
   DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________________________________
   BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________
   [*]HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________
   CITY/STATE_________________________________________ ZIP_________________
   [*]Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______ yes? _______ no?
   [*]Number of years parents married:_________________________________________
   [*]Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversized tires? __________
   A wa****ed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_______________
   (IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)
   [*]In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________________________
   [*]In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_________________________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________________________
   [*]In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________________________
   [*]Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________
   How often do you attend?_________________________________________________When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends? (supply phone numbers)_____________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________________________
   [*]What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
   [*]
   

ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS
BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.

1. "If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _________________________________________________________________________
   [*]"If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
   [*]"A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________________
   [*]"The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________
   [*]"When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
   

(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running
in a serpentine fashion.)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET RENO KISS TORTURE.

____________________________________________
SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)
Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you – one size fits all.

 

[McGuinty]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[BEER]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began!
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down..

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

 

[Transient]

 

[Prick]

 

[Wildone]

 

[Sophia Sinclair]

Move over Gene Simmons!

 

[Transient]

 

[DonCorleo]

LOL