JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[Stoner]

One day Alex's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a S&M
bondage magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine
until his father got home. When Alex's father walked in the door, she
irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in
your son's closet." He looked at it and handed it back to her without a
word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we
do about this?"

He looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should SPANK him!"

 

[Transient]

 

[Prick]

Q How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good ?
A Put a nipple on it

Q- Why do men pass more gas than women?
A- because women can't shut up long enough, to build up the required pressure.

Q-Why do women fake orgasms ?
A-because they think men care

Q-What's the difference between a battery and a woman?
A- a battery has a positive side

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a Wedding cake

 

[Goodfella]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and
turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual asks the waitress?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

[Roland]

 

[Sophia Sinclair]

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I don't know how to attach a YouTube video, but this address: https://youtube.com/watch?v=t5sTBrs4fhQ takes you a cute Durex Condom video.

 

[Macho Man]

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I don't know how to attach a YouTube video, but this address: https://youtube.com/watch?v=t5sTBrs4fhQ takes you a cute Durex Condom video.

How about a sexy picture of you instead :search:

 

[Boing]

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I don't know how to attach a YouTube video, but this address: https://youtube.com/watch?v=t5sTBrs4fhQ takes you a cute Durex Condom video.

LOL

 

[Boing]

 

[BEER]

 

[Jesus Quintana]

 

[Jesus Quintana]

 

[Jesus Quintana]

 

[Stubby]

I NEVER KNEW THIS!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
YOU NEED TO READ THIS. DON'T DELETE IT BEFORE READING!
I HAVE JUST RECEIVED THIS WARNING!

Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,


"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."


No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,


"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone

I'll be in the shower!

 

[AMd'MAN]

Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if we could get ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch.

 

[Transient]

 

[Ang]

British Humor

British Humor

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

[Jesus Quintana]

 

[Wise Guy]

 

[God]

WEDDING DRESSFOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.

:rofl!: