JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[Chucky]

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but since only one of us can take him home we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was complete silence for about a minute while the boys all looked at each other and lowered their heads. Just as the Reverend began to think he had gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and handed him the leash. “Alright, reverend,” he said, “You win. You can take him home.”.

 

[BEER]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a Woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


Can I get an AMEN!!

 

[Fishbait]

[h=1]Why Women Live Longer Than Men (For example in India)[/h]

 

[Mosquito]

Guy pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure his Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.


She was stretched full-out on the back seat and wanting to impress upon her that she must remain there. He walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"


The driver of a nearby car, a young lady, gave me a strange look and said,


NOW THIS IS FUNNY :rofl!:


"Why don't you just put it in park?"

 

[Maurice Boscorelli]

 

[BEER]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”
“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
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Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked..
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”
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The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”

 

[SillyGirl]

:rofl!::rofl!::rofl!:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/21/last-name-fails_n_1528829.html#s=more227407

 

[Anto]

:rofl!::rofl!::rofl!:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/21/last-name-fails_n_1528829.html#s=more227407

:clapping:
:rofl!:

 

[Anto]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

 

[George Costanza]

Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

 

[God]

 

[Stubby]

 

[Jesus Quintana]

Sad story about a restaurant closing turns personal:

Really personal :
Husband - " am a Thierry Clement, part owner of Paris Crepes Bistro. A few months ago my wife and my son decided to run the business without me and effectively kicked me out. In my opinion their poor management of the business with very strict and inflexible opening and closing hours, coupled with their bad relations with the landlord and BIA has, I believe brought about this unfortunate situation. I personally feel a great loss to see Paris crepes Bistro closing, a loss I have been accustomed to since my untimely and unfair removal from the business. But as one door closes another one will open. Probably this temporary closure is for the best until a new and more caring owner can be found to take over. With a little more effort and passion this business could have been and probably still will be a leading force and proof that businesses can be successful in Queen street.
Also part of the equipment have been illegally remove from the restaurant ( during a court agreement all equipment have to stay in the business) without my consent."

WIFE - "When you cheat on your wife with a women 20 years older than yourself that stuff happens. Hence why I kicked him out of my apartment,As for the equipment the court order is to refrain from selling, or dispatching of the equipment it can be moved to storage if need such as when lease ends"

LOL!

 

[God]

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[HOF]

​

 

[Prick]

Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When you're lying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where the Hell is the ceiling?!"

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you've just made it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Your mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

Sometimes you'll think you understand everything, then you'll regain consciousness.

A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.

Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.

Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people in this world and those who don’t.

 

[TINY]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him"Ranger" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to
have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said,"Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge
said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -

My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said,
"Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.

 

[Sophia Sinclair]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iTthJI0rDnk

 

[The 1%]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iTthJI0rDnk

LOL

For the quicker look.

 

[Jesus Quintana]

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."