JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[Transient]

Seven Steps to a Threesome

1 - Buy cheap antique-like vase from thrift store.
2 - Tell girlfriend that your grandmother gave it to you and make up an elaborate and meaningful history relevant to your entire family.
3 - Wait for girlfriend to get blackout drunk. (And end up sleeping at your place)
4 – Break vase.
5 - When girlfriend wakes up, be sitting at your desk trying to glue the vase back together.
6 – Tell girlfriend that she broke the vase while she was drunk.

7 - Wait for girlfriend to say “OMG, how can I make it up to you?”

 

[papasmerf]

Seven Steps to a Threesome

1 - Buy cheap antique-like vase from thrift store.
2 - Tell girlfriend that your grandmother gave it to you and make up an elaborate and meaningful history relevant to your entire family.
3 - Wait for girlfriend to get blackout drunk. (And end up sleeping at your place)
4 – Break vase.
5 - When girlfriend wakes up, be sitting at your desk trying to glue the vase back together.
6 – Tell girlfriend that she broke the vase while she was drunk.

7 - Wait for girlfriend to say “OMG, how can I make it up to you?”

I like the way you think

 

[Maurice Boscorelli]

 

[Jesus Quintana]

 

[Jesus Quintana]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance, HMO paperwork,and was burned out. Hoping to try another career skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, Attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist Prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[Art Mann]

A guy visiting Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

 

[HOF]

POTUS

BARACK OBAMA

'CALL ME MAYBE'

​

 

[HOF]

OBAMA'S SEXY & HE KNOWS IT


​

 

[Jesus Quintana]

An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy."

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Uki jokes......I like.....they make me smile.

 

[Transient]

What's the worst thing a woman can hear while blowing Willie Nelson?







I'm not Willie Nelson.

 

[God]

 

[Jetski]

Watch these cheaters closely.

 

[Al Bumin]

 

[Transient]

 

[Castillo]

 

[MEAT]

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes”, or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

 

[Transient]

 

[Snail]

:LMAO:

 

[Snail]

On the first

day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by

the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes

in or walks past. For this I will give you a life

span of twenty

years."

The dog

said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about

only ten years and I'll give you back the other

ten?"

And God said that it was

good.


On the second day, God created the

monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and

make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a

twenty-year life span."

The monkey said,

"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty

long time to perform. How about I give you back ten

like the dog did?"

And God, again said that

it was good.


On the third day, God created

the cow and said, "You must go into the field with

the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have

calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty

years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough

life you want me to live for sixty years. How about

twenty and I'll give back the other

forty?"

And God agreed it was good.


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat,

sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this,

I'll give you twenty years."

But the human

said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me

my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the

monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back;

that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God,

"You asked for it."

So that is why for our

first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy

ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the

sun

to support our family. For the next ten years, we do

monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And

for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch

and bark at everyone.

Life has now been

explained to you.

There is no need to thank

me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a

public service. If you are looking for me I will be

on the front

porch.







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