The Responsibilities of a Mistress: A Dialectic

[Lauren Summerhill]

There was a time when dialectic was the supreme path to truth. Amongst intellectual circles it was believed that without the give and take, push and pull of controversial dialogue one could never arrive at truth. This highly regarded art inspired groups of brilliant scholars and eager students to debate even the Socraticness of Socrates. Alas my end of this conversation must be vague as too much detail would leave me in a most vulnerable and unfortunate position.

As I enter into a new intense mistress relationship, and my long term SO and I are separating ways, I find myself with much time to contemplate now that I'm living alone for the first time ever.

Now in my experience of being a mistress - the relationship will have ups and downs. Rarely are these ups and downs emotional strain between the two of us (not unheard of but quite uncommon). They are usually ones of fate's cruel hand taking a swipe. Personal turmoil in his life or mine, or financial turmoil in his life. Now a mistress arrangement is quite different then provider and patron, and so I am impelled to stand by them regardless of the type of turmoil effecting their life or mine.

So I find myself wondering: I have an moral/ethical responsibility to them, as well as that of sincere friendship. So where does my responsibility to them end, and my responsibility to myself begin? How far is it appropriate for a mistress to sacrifice her lifestyle comfort and spiritual comfort in the face of hard times for her lovers? And when is it okay to back off in the name of self preservation without being shallow and insincere?

 

[Lou Pole]

How long is the mistress deal Ms. Lauren.

 

[ralp]

I don’t have a definitive answer, but there is always give and take both ways between lovers, at its best each understands that self preservation (soul revitalization) time is needed and supported. Often relationships like this have advantages over purely civilian ones in that it is often easier to talk about boundaries (relationship and other) without fear.

In the end, if he is attracted to you he will support whatever it is that you need to be you; and you would hopefully feel free to discuss it with him.

 

[Madmax]

Think of yourself first or may come back to bite you. All is fair in war and love.

 

[Jawbone]

I'm going to put it in simple terms- get rid of all your baggage and spend some "me" time. You are free now, enjoy it, try and make some money with the hourly or multi hour johns and forget all this over thinking and over analyzing.

Funny you should re-appear I was thinking about you and your whereabouts the other day and for the life of me I don't know why?????

 

[jumpingjackflash]

Welcome back Lauren, sorry to hear about your broken relationship.

 

[smylee52]

.

This sounds more like a diuretic :tongue: . Somebody's pissed off because the easy money stopped being easy . Welcome to 2010 .

 

[Bear669]

Nice to see you back Ms LS

Nice to see you back Ms LS

Sorry about your personal grief(?), though its not clear how you feel.

Living alone can be a very liberating experience. Some good words of advice above. Make your home EXACTLY as you wish it to be-no compromises. Learn the life style and try it for at least a year or two.

As to the core of your musings, I have no idea what you are talking about.:neutral:

Mistress- Is this a euphemism for Sugar Baby with a Sugar Daddy?

If not, why use this term rather than 'dating', or GF?

Why "intense"?

"..his life...", "them" "lovers" Very confused references in a couple of brief paras.

Love to dialectic, so more 'splainin' from you.:go:

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

How long is the mistress deal Ms. Lauren.

For as long as we're happy. I don't believe in setting up an agreement of "One Year" or something like that. If someone sees me it's because they want to not because they are obligated. One such arrangement is in it's sixth year, another in it's third year, and another has only just begun.

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

I don’t have a definitive answer, but there is always give and take both ways between lovers, at its best each understands that self preservation (soul revitalization) time is needed and supported. Often relationships like this have advantages over purely civilian ones in that it is often easier to talk about boundaries (relationship and other) without fear.

In the end, if he is attracted to you he will support whatever it is that you need to be you; and you would hopefully feel free to discuss it with him.

I think this is the most useful answer in the thread. I need to get over feeling guilty taking care of myself because doing so might take me away from someone else. It's surprisingly hard to do, but at some point being fair to my needs has to be as equally important as being a sincere friend to them. It's just so hard for me to say No to people I absolutely adore and who have been really good to me for so long.

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

I really don't consider people I care about to be baggage. Their a blessing, and need to be treated with consideration and care.

Nor are they Johns. The point of having mistress arrangements is that I can spend my time with the same people, and avoid having to taking new dates unless I'm really interested in the person. The power to refuse a date and know I'm still going to be fine is a really nice place to be. They make that possible for me and it's something worth honouring.

 

[Guido]

I really don't consider people I care about to be baggage. Their a blessing, and need to be treated with consideration and care.

Nor are they Johns. The point of having mistress arrangements is that I can spend my time with the same people, and avoid having to taking new dates unless I'm really interested in the person. The power to refuse a date and know I'm still going to be fine is a really nice place to be. They make that possible for me and it's something worth honouring.

I'm sorry but you have me a bit confused.:tongue: I get it that you and your SO have parted ways. My confusion comes in concerning your BFs. When you are a mistress are you being paid for being a mistress besides dinner and drinks? Secondly, are you an SP?

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

Mistress- Is this a euphemism for Sugar Baby with a Sugar Daddy? Why "intense"? ..his life...", "them" "lovers" Very confused references in a couple of brief paras.

When I say "them" I am referring to the three gents I have arrangements with.

Mistress is a confusing term because it's not an easily defined relationship. There are no boundaries and I wouldn't have it any other way. That's why I say "intense" there is no "Lauren" once I've entered into this sort of relationship with someone. I'm not sure it classifies as a Sugar Baby/Sugar Daddy because I'm really quite uncomfortable with shopping sprees that I'm not paying for out of my own wallet. Sugar Babies aren't necessarily attracted to their Sugar Daddy, they aren't necessarily the best of friends. It's a very different vibe then that of a mistress. And frankly the idea of calling him my Sugar Daddy seems disrespectful. They've been there for me in so many ways in hard times, whether financial, or emotional. And I feel a great deal of affection for them. I think they deserve better then "sugar daddy".

I'll try to best define it as possible: Each date lasts from 4 days to 10 days on average and we see each other nearly every month. They're people I often call when we are apart, and often contact me when we're apart - so we're constantly in touch, nearly every single day. And a lot of those days are days they're going to work, so the pattern is a bit different then provider dates. We share a brief morning, he goes to work, I pull out my laptop and do my work, he come home for a lunch a make him, goes back to work, he comes home and we cook dinner together. Spend the evening playing, listening to music, talking, reading, sipping scotch, or going for a workout. Weekends are different.

I know their friends, I've met work associates, I have a drawer or closet in their home with my clothes to lessen my packing. They know my name, they've been to my home and they know my closest friends.

I'm afraid I can't discuss how the financial arrangement works in any great detail. There's a base they give me every month, with some adjustments if we're spending an unusually large quantity of time together, and from there they give in addition if they feel like it or are doing particularly well in life.

Does that answer your questions?

So with being gone so much from home, and keeping in constant contact with three people, I feel like my brain is cluttered and my life is not my own anymore.

After starting this thread I got into some heart-to-heart discussions with my gent friends and it went much better then expected. To remedy my home-sickness they've agreed to come to Toronto more frequently so I have more time here.

As far as being emotionally strung out from time to time, one fellow suggested that when I get to that place, I let him know, turn off the phone and avoid my emails for a few days and take some silence until I'm feeling centered. I think this is a great idea and have spoken to the others who ask only that I let them know I'm alive and healthy if I want to disappear off the map for a few days.

Hopefully this will solve my dilemma in a manner that is still respectful and considerate of them. I shall see! 10 years and there's still so much to learn about this life LOL

 

[GDLLover]

I think that we can only expect in return what we are able to give. If your 'friend' is attached and can't give all of themself to you (as they are attached), then why is it a problem for you to also reserve yourself only for them?

As long as you are truthful to them saying that you will continue to be with them as long as it feels right, you are not misleading them. They in turn are attached so they are also not making any commitments either.

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

- double post -

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

I think that we can only expect in return what we are able to give. If your 'friend' is attached and can't give all of themself to you (as they are attached), then why is it a problem for you to also reserve yourself only for them?

Actually my mistress arrangements at this point in time are with single men. None of them are in a marriage. They see other civvies and providers, but on a casual basis and so they are unattached. I once had such an arrangement with a married man, but they lived separate lives and she didn't care what he did as long as he was discreet and she could maintain blissful ignorance.

As long as you are truthful to them saying that you will continue to be with them as long as it feels right, you are not misleading them. They in turn are attached so they are also not making any commitments either.

Thanks for writing that. They are unattached, and in at least one instance there is a commitment to me, though not a traditional one. However, (I stated this in an earlier reply) we've had a good talk about it, and as you said "if it feels right" is important. He was kind enough to say he wanted me to take care of myself, and if things didn't feel right, he'd understand if I took some time to adjust.

I guess I didn't expect them to be so understanding. I thought it would be difficult and tense, but it wasn't LOL

 

[Bear669]

Good for you LS

Good for you LS

You truly do seem like one of the great demi-mondaines of the 19th century.

I have NO problem being a Sugar Daddy, and IMO whenever an allowance is involved its appropriate. However, given the degree of intensity you describe the case for 'mistress' can certainly be made (but then what is an appropriate English term/jargon for the guys?) and certainly the best kind of GWE.

What would you do (have done) when the allowance stops?

Much of what you describes sounds like Polyandry:great:! Cool. And pretty exceptional SDs you have. Personally I wouldnt tolerate multiple client relationships, but was happy enough if my darlings had a good Mr (and in one case Ms)

VERY glad to hear that your concerns have been alleviated.

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

I'm sorry but you have me a bit confused.:tongue: I get it that you and your SO have parted ways. My confusion comes in concerning your BFs. When you are a mistress are you being paid for being a mistress besides dinner and drinks? Secondly, are you an SP?

There is no calculation of time for money. There is a calculation of % living expenses and expected obligation.

 

[Lauren Summerhill]

You truly do seem like one of the great demi-mondaines of the 19th century.

I have done an awful lot of research on the subjects - biographies o famous mistresses and courtesans from BC to modern day. As well as anyone I managed to meet in person over the years. Not the fanciful stuff: how smart, talented, beautiful. But the meat and potatoes, how did they make these things work or them on a practical level.

I have an ideal income - not extravagant, but comfortable sustainable living that also allows me to be helpful to friends and family when they're in need. I need x amount a year and can maintain only 3-4 committed playmates.

When I loose a friend, it takes me about a year and a half to meet one. I loose someone every 2-4 years. So new dates are a necessity of life. And every 2-4 years I'm looking for a new long term partner. I never ask, it is up to them to suggest doing it, I merely let people know it's an option.

Realistically, for it to work, i really have to like and trust him.

Between the 3 - 4, they split a % of x based on what they can afford. He who can provide more I am obliged to spend more time with out of respect for the level of stability I provide. They also get first pick. If they share equal responsibility, then it's by first to ask. I never cancel an agreed meeting to see someone else.

Dates are a minimum of 4 days, once in a blue moon a weekend - couple of times a year 6+ days.

Will answer the rest later, going ou to dinner at a funky little steak place with friends who just arrived!

 

[GDLLover]

There is no calculation of time for money. There is a calculation of % living expenses and expected obligation.

'Expected obligation' should cover your situation. A long as no expectation of exclusiveness is stated then why should you feel guilty. Its not as clean cut as a hourly rate but it is still an arrangement of cash/friendship of sorts.

Exclusiveness is expected in a traditional relationship unless there is an agreement to an open relationship. This arrangement you have is not of that type. I think the reason your feeling guilty is because you are having feelings for them, attracted to them and get personal fulfillment out of it. I see it as its a bonus that you also get satisfaction out of the arrangement.