- Thread starter jiggyjiggy
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1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than
on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve all of your problems, but then neither does milk.
on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve all of your problems, but then neither does milk.
B
Boing
Guest
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict........., look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!".
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!".
Joke of the day
Joke of the day
Two Whales....
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
Joke of the day
Two Whales....
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
An nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
restroom The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and
she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the
nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said,
"Sir,
I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"
"No I don't drink, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
restroom The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and
she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the
nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said,
"Sir,
I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"
"No I don't drink, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
J
Jesus Quintana
Guest
Guy goes into a bar sits down and orders 6 shots of Jack Daniels
As the bartender starts pouring them out, he asks the guy what's up with ordering 6 shots?
The fellow says "I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"
The bartender says - "On that note let me pour you one on the house!"
Guy says "Nah if 6 don't take the taste out of my mouth then nothing will."
As the bartender starts pouring them out, he asks the guy what's up with ordering 6 shots?
The fellow says "I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"
The bartender says - "On that note let me pour you one on the house!"
Guy says "Nah if 6 don't take the taste out of my mouth then nothing will."
J
Jesus Quintana
Guest
If it was me Then the opening line would have been "Short-hairless goes into a bar...."
I was really trying to hide who it was but if you need to know it was Guy-do.
I was really trying to hide who it was but if you need to know it was Guy-do.
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
Super Dave
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- Jan 17, 2012
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"Hitchhiking"
A young lady was walking beside the road with
her thumb out when an eighteen wheeler pulled over.
She ran up, opened the door and said, "Thank
goodness you stopped. I've been walking all day."
The trucker said, "If I give you a ride, what's in it for me?"
The lady replied, "Dust. I told you I've been walking all day."
A young lady was walking beside the road with
her thumb out when an eighteen wheeler pulled over.
She ran up, opened the door and said, "Thank
goodness you stopped. I've been walking all day."
The trucker said, "If I give you a ride, what's in it for me?"
The lady replied, "Dust. I told you I've been walking all day."
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