J
Jesus Quintana
Guest
Virus said:
Jeez and when I say "niggah" people jump all over me.
- Thread starter jiggyjiggy
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Jeez and when I say "niggah" people jump all over me.
T
TINY
Guest
Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"
"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.
The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.
The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"
"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.
The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.
The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
J
Jesus Quintana
Guest
"Am I allowed to call a police officer a cunt?"
"No, sir, you are not. That would be an insult."
"Would it be OK if I called a cunt 'Officer'?"
"Yes, sir. That would be weird, but allowed."
"Good night, Officer."
"No, sir, you are not. That would be an insult."
"Would it be OK if I called a cunt 'Officer'?"
"Yes, sir. That would be weird, but allowed."
"Good night, Officer."
B
Boing
Guest
Artificial Insemination
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
J
Jesus Quintana
Guest
T
TINY
Guest
Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure?
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never had it confirmed.'
Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes I wonder.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest,
Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest woman alive!!
Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked, "Who in the world is TINY?"
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure?
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never had it confirmed.'
Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes I wonder.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest,
Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest woman alive!!
Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked, "Who in the world is TINY?"
El Fantasma
Well-known member
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2010
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- 159
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
P
Prick
Guest
The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?
P
Prick
Guest
A blonde woman and her neighbor were talking...The neighbor said:"Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blond replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."-
A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.---
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up without bending over.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The Cop says"That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks."Here boy!" she replies.
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself,"the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard."I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".
(now this one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies: " Silly - If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.---
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up without bending over.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The Cop says"That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks."Here boy!" she replies.
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself,"the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard."I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".
(now this one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies: " Silly - If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
T
TINY
Guest
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey,
be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-
"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
Mom fainted.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey,
be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-
"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
Mom fainted.
Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
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