J
- Thread starter jiggyjiggy
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H
HOF
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J
Jesus Quintana
Guest
HOF said:
The Schticky doesn't work worth a fuck. But kudos on Vince Offer laughing at himself.
H
HOF
Guest
H
HOF
Guest
H
HOF
Guest
Katy Perry Parody
with the Muppets!
with the Muppets!
B
Boing
Guest
New Joke of the day # 4
New Joke of the day # 4
New Joke of the day # 4
H
HOF
Guest
:LMAO::LMAO::LMAO::LMAO::LMAO:
How true!
How true!
H
HOF
Guest
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
H
HOF
Guest
:LMAO::LMAO::LMAO:
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
H
HOF
Guest
:LMAO::LMAO::LMAO::LMAO:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
The results are in!
There is a medical distinction, weve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "Youre next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
There is a medical distinction, weve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "Youre next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes!"
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes!"
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks.
The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.
"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The womans husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says, "That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."
Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"
"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."
"Thats it, Im kicking his ass."
"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.
"What are you doing? Arent you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband. He replies with, "What are you crazy?? Im not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."
The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.
"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The womans husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says, "That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."
Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"
"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."
"Thats it, Im kicking his ass."
"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.
"What are you doing? Arent you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband. He replies with, "What are you crazy?? Im not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."
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