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papasmerf
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Little Johnny gets on an elevator. He walks right up to a woman in he thirties and asks her if he can smell her feet.
The shocked woman looks at Johnny and says, no you can not smell my feet.
Johnny looks at her and says, sorry then it must be your pussy.
The shocked woman looks at Johnny and says, no you can not smell my feet.
Johnny looks at her and says, sorry then it must be your pussy.
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! I think that he is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! I think that he is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
A blonde was taking flight lessons when the pilot suddenly keeled over, dead. The blonde got on the radio and yelled MAYDAY, MAYDAY...the pilot has died and I don't know how to fly the plane.
The control tower responded, advising her to tell her height, and position...
Replied the blonde: I'm 5'4" and I support (Obama/Romney---you decide)...
Came the reply from the control tower: "Repeat after me..."Our Father, Who art in Heaven...."
The control tower responded, advising her to tell her height, and position...
Replied the blonde: I'm 5'4" and I support (Obama/Romney---you decide)...
Came the reply from the control tower: "Repeat after me..."Our Father, Who art in Heaven...."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
J
Jesus Quintana
Guest
WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER
41, BEDFORD STREET
NORTH SHIELDS, NE29 6PX
UNITED KINGDOM
+447031995160
This is to re-notify you of the 500,000.00(DOLLARS) was deposited here by the Heritage Lottery Board in the western union office in your name is available for pickup. Contact this email: ([email protected]) for your M.T.C.N Numbers.Contact Person: Mrs. Hillary FlorenceEmail: ([email protected])
Mr. Greg Steve
Western Union Branch Coordinator.
Transaction Managing Director.
Phone: +447031995160
Now all I need to do is get I.D. in the name on that email account: Rusty Trombone
41, BEDFORD STREET
NORTH SHIELDS, NE29 6PX
UNITED KINGDOM
+447031995160
This is to re-notify you of the 500,000.00(DOLLARS) was deposited here by the Heritage Lottery Board in the western union office in your name is available for pickup. Contact this email: ([email protected]) for your M.T.C.N Numbers.Contact Person: Mrs. Hillary FlorenceEmail: ([email protected])
Mr. Greg Steve
Western Union Branch Coordinator.
Transaction Managing Director.
Phone: +447031995160
Now all I need to do is get I.D. in the name on that email account: Rusty Trombone
H
HOF
Guest
T
TINY
Guest
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND ...l
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Jeanette. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Jeanette to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable.. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Jeanette. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Mike
EDITOR'S NOTE: Mike died suddenly on Jan 26th of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Jeanette was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Jeanette. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Jeanette to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable.. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Jeanette. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Mike
EDITOR'S NOTE: Mike died suddenly on Jan 26th of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Jeanette was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
Yours faithfully,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
Yours faithfully,
H
HOF
Guest
This is your life!
H
HOF
Guest
SINFUL SOFIA HOSTS PARTY AT HOME DEPOT!
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