TGordon,
I would like to encourage you to elaborate on your comment.
Let me start you off.
Wow! I just think .....
- Thread starter jiggyjiggy
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TGordon,
I would like to encourage you to elaborate on your comment.
Let me start you off.
Wow! I just think .....
Joke of the day
Joke of the day
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Joke of the day
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Nothingtodo
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Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes To bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes To bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Murphy's Law in Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now.
The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His flaccid penis was dangling down right above the poor chicken.
"Here, my friend, grab my cock and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big flare and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now you saved my life, my friend!" The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His flaccid penis was dangling down right above the poor chicken.
"Here, my friend, grab my cock and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big flare and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now you saved my life, my friend!" The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "
The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
Little boy came downstair's and sat at the table ready for breakfast. The mother ask, did you get yur chore's done yet? He told her no, so mom said no breakfast until there done. The boy got up and went outside mumbleing and ticked off, so the mom watched out the window to make sure he did them. He walked to the chicken house and was throwing the feed on the ground and hauled of and kicked one of the chicken's as he was leaving. He then went to the pig pen and after feeding, hauled off and kicked one of the pig's.
He then went to get the cow out of the pasture and as he was taking her to the barn to milk, he hauled off and kicked her too. The mom was watching it all out the kitchen window. When the boy came back in, the mom sit a bowl of dry cereal in front of him, explaining she saw everything he done. You kicked the chicken, the pig, and the cow, so you get no egg's, no bacon, and no milk for your cereal for the next two week's as punishment for kicking the animal's.
Just at that time, the dad came down the stair's and when he got to the bottom, he hauled off and booted the cat across the room. The little boy looked up at his mom and said, well, are you going to tell him or am I.
He then went to get the cow out of the pasture and as he was taking her to the barn to milk, he hauled off and kicked her too. The mom was watching it all out the kitchen window. When the boy came back in, the mom sit a bowl of dry cereal in front of him, explaining she saw everything he done. You kicked the chicken, the pig, and the cow, so you get no egg's, no bacon, and no milk for your cereal for the next two week's as punishment for kicking the animal's.
Just at that time, the dad came down the stair's and when he got to the bottom, he hauled off and booted the cat across the room. The little boy looked up at his mom and said, well, are you going to tell him or am I.
"If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards." -Maxwell Q Klinger, M*A*S*H
There was this guy rushing back from the golf course; he just managed to catch the bus .
Panting and gasping he managed to find the only seat next to a pretty young lady.
As soon as he regained his breath, he realised the lady was staring at the bulge in his pants.
Embaressed he said spluttered;----ggolf bballs!!
The pretty little thing giggled and inquired; are they as painful as my tenis elbow?
Panting and gasping he managed to find the only seat next to a pretty young lady.
As soon as he regained his breath, he realised the lady was staring at the bulge in his pants.
Embaressed he said spluttered;----ggolf bballs!!
The pretty little thing giggled and inquired; are they as painful as my tenis elbow?
LMAO!
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