JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[SillyGirl]

A man goes to a psychologist and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful. Every evening, she goes to Manny’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her, and she’ll do whatever they want. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Manny’s bar?”

 

[SillyGirl]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,” says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.”

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.”

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,” says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.”

“That makes sense,” says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?”

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.”

 

[SillyGirl]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[mishi]

Good stuff Amy...

 

[tboy]

I forget what they're called, (things for texting that automatically assume the word you're trying to write and it fills it in?), but they are fricken DANGEROUS. lol...I tried using it for about an hour and was ready to throw my phone under the nearest truck......

I bet you dollars to donuts that's what "mom" was trying to type and the phone filled in the rest....cool mom though! LOL that kills me: nothing says I suck dick like hot pink toenails...hehehe

 

[LickingGravity]

Any joke thread needs the traditional blonde jokes:

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced the first blonde.
"Do what?" asked her friend.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

 

[Butch]

 

[Stoner]

A Practical Example of How the Human Mind Works
In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people. Look at the picture then read the review after the photo…

Read the review after the photo...





- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

 

[Stubby]

 

[Kylie Daniels]

I watched this a handful of times and it kept getting funnier each time. The music was a great add. He is the cutest little fuzzy!

 

[Bubba]

I watched this a handful of times and it kept getting funnier each time. The music was a great add. He is the cutest little fuzzy!

Cute....



My dog would eat him alive :whip: :beurk:

 

[Columbo]

 

[Stehako]

 

[tboy]

I watched this a handful of times and it kept getting funnier each time. The music was a great add. He is the cutest little fuzzy!

I've seen that numerous times and it just gets better lol

Cat's are psycho, mine? He'll walk past my nikes a hundred times then all of a sudden he'll "forget" what they are and come around the corner and jump about 2 feet in the air! lol...I pee myself laughing....he's such a knob....

 

[Stoner]

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

 

[a 1 player]

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

[Davy Daty]

Why I'm not getting any tonight

​

Her (on the topic of men shaving their pubes): "It's not the same thing as for a girl"
Me: "Why not?"

Her: "If a guy goes down on a woman, bush can get in the way. You don't want that tickling your sinuses."
Me: "No, I don't. Bad place to sneeze."

Her: "Yeah. But that's not as big a problem when sucking cock."
Me: "It would be if you did it right."​

 

[Grumpy]

BAD Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate

transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can

to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had caused him
make such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"​

 

[PEPE]

Football and the Blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quar****ack! Get the quar****ack!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 

[Transient]

Laws of Nature

Laws of Nature

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.