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God will punish you for this one :beurk:
SillyGirl
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5 Year Old's First Job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers. It will make you believe that we can all make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fuckin’ sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers. It will make you believe that we can all make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fuckin’ sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
A
Al Bumin
Guest
Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here
in heaven:
Don't step on the
ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not
to step on a duck,
And although they try their
best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them
together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps
accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely
ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as
for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly
man, is very,
VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months
Without stepping on any
ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to
her
With the most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long
eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to
deserve being
Chained to you for all of
eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.
.
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here
in heaven:
Don't step on the
ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not
to step on a duck,
And although they try their
best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them
together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps
accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely
ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as
for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly
man, is very,
VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months
Without stepping on any
ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to
her
With the most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long
eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to
deserve being
Chained to you for all of
eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.
.
The elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ' Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied..'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ' Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied..'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
SillyGirl
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- 7,246
A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks.
The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.
"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The womans husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says, "That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."
Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"
"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."
"Thats it, Im kicking his ass."
"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.
"What are you doing? Arent you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband. He replies with, "What are you crazy?? Im not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."
The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.
"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The womans husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says, "That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."
Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"
"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."
"Thats it, Im kicking his ass."
"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.
"What are you doing? Arent you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband. He replies with, "What are you crazy?? Im not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes!"
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes!"
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
There is a medical distinction, weve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "Youre next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "Youre next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
An 80 year old woman goes to the doctor. "My husband wants me to look 19 down there again; is there anything you can do?"
The doctor says, "Well, let's have a look. I'm sure I can fix that."
So the old lady goes in for the surgery and wakes up the next day to find three roses on her pillow. "Who are these from?" she asks the nurse.
The nurse says, "The first one is from the doctor. He says, 'Congratulations, the surgery went well and everything looks good.' The second one is from your husband, he can't wait for you to come home. And the third one is from Ernie in the burn unit. He says thanks for the new ears."
The doctor says, "Well, let's have a look. I'm sure I can fix that."
So the old lady goes in for the surgery and wakes up the next day to find three roses on her pillow. "Who are these from?" she asks the nurse.
The nurse says, "The first one is from the doctor. He says, 'Congratulations, the surgery went well and everything looks good.' The second one is from your husband, he can't wait for you to come home. And the third one is from Ernie in the burn unit. He says thanks for the new ears."
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
After sleeping for about an hour, the wife awoke without a trace of illness and, as it was only a little after nine o’ clock, she decided to go to the party. Knowing what costume her husband was wearing, and also knowing that he didn’t know what costume she was wearing, she decided to slip into the party to observe how he behaved when she wasn’t around.
This she did, and as soon as she arrived the first one she spotted was her husband, prancing around on the dance floor with one slick chick and then another. So the wife slid up to him. Being a rather seductive woman herself, her husband left his dance partner standing, and devoted his attention to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, and when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed, and they went to his car in the parking lot and let nature take its course.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband would give her about his evening. He arrived home around 1:30 a.m., and went directly up to the bedroom to see how his wife was feeling. She was sitting up in bed reading, and asked, “Did you have a good time?”
The husband said, “Well, I’ll tell you, I never danced a dance. When I got there Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some other guys were stag, too, so we just sat back in the den playing poker all night. But I’ll tell you one thing, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a good time!”
This she did, and as soon as she arrived the first one she spotted was her husband, prancing around on the dance floor with one slick chick and then another. So the wife slid up to him. Being a rather seductive woman herself, her husband left his dance partner standing, and devoted his attention to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, and when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed, and they went to his car in the parking lot and let nature take its course.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband would give her about his evening. He arrived home around 1:30 a.m., and went directly up to the bedroom to see how his wife was feeling. She was sitting up in bed reading, and asked, “Did you have a good time?”
The husband said, “Well, I’ll tell you, I never danced a dance. When I got there Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some other guys were stag, too, so we just sat back in the den playing poker all night. But I’ll tell you one thing, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a good time!”
SillyGirl
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2017
- Messages
- 7,246
A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"
SillyGirl
Senior Member
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Re: hahaha
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on a beach. After a while he is approached by three gorgeous women, who take pity on him.
The first one says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
"Why, no, can't say that I have," the man replies, shaking his head.
So she leans down and give him a hug.
The second woman says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head again. She kisses him.
Rather abrubtly, the third asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on a beach. After a while he is approached by three gorgeous women, who take pity on him.
The first one says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
"Why, no, can't say that I have," the man replies, shaking his head.
So she leans down and give him a hug.
The second woman says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head again. She kisses him.
Rather abrubtly, the third asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
A
Art Mann
Guest
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