The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life

[Willy]

And Happy Mother's day to you too.

Isabella Dutton, 57, says she wishes she had remained childless
'I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn't give back'


My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life.
Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn't yet woken.

I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection.
I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.


Lots more to read:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/...says-having-children-biggest-regret-life.html

 

[papasmerf]

it is unfortunate MM's mom never seen him grow up

 

[BEER]

Hmmmmmm

 

[SillyGirl]

Gosh. My gut reaction is "those poor kids."

I give her credit for doing the mechanics of the job when her heart was/is so not in it. But I feel sorry for the kids.

My own parents were not demonstrative, and that is how I learned something very important -- people don't know how you feel if you don't tell them. I made sure my own son had a very different experience.

I respect the hell out of people who don't want kids, and have the cajones to stand up to the enormous societal pressure to have them anyway. And two people who feel differently about the issue really shouldn't get married thinking the other will change their mind.

The mind-changing happens for real sometimes, though. I have a friend from highschool who always said she adamantly did not want kids. Then she turned 40 and suddenly had to have a baby. She went to great lengths and created a very complicated situation, but she's very happy being a mom.

 

[Prick]

Gosh. My gut reaction is "those poor kids."

I give her credit for doing the mechanics of the job when her heart was/is so not in it. But I feel sorry for the kids.

My own parents were not demonstrative, and that is how I learned something very important -- people don't know how you feel if you don't tell them. I made sure my own son had a very different experience.

I respect the hell out of people who don't want kids, and have the cajones to stand up to the enormous societal pressure to have them anyway. And two people who feel differently about the issue really shouldn't get married thinking the other will change their mind.

The mind-changing happens for real sometimes, though. I have a friend from highschool who always said she adamantly did not want kids. Then she turned 40 and suddenly had to have a baby. She went to great lengths and created a very complicated situation, but she's very happy being a mom.

I get turn on my intelligent women :heart:

 

[DannyDeVito]

Not sure if I read this correctly but at what age did her kids know about her thoughts on Motherhood?.

 

[SillyGirl]

Not sure if I read this correctly but at what age did her kids know about her thoughts on Motherhood?.

Kids are pretty perceptive...I'm sure on some level they always knew. That's what's so sad about it.

 

[1sickdude]

Kids are pretty perceptive...I'm sure on some level they always knew. That's what's so sad about it.

Very true but I thought that motherhood is within. Once you have your first born you forget about your inner self and concentrate on your children.

Not the case here.

 

[Blank_Dave]

Kids are pretty perceptive...I'm sure on some level they always knew. That's what's so sad about it.

Yes, kids are perceptive...And also sadly egocentrical. So the question I pose is not 'did they know' but 'what did they perceive?"

My belief is that they knew she didn't love them, but felt it was some inherent flaw(s) with in themselves that was the cause of it. It is also a defense mechanism, to ensure survival, for children to trust adult, especially parents. As such mom and dad aren't wrong, and what they believe the children will also believe.

 

[Throbbin Hood]

My belief is that they knew she didn't love them, but felt it was some inherent flaw(s) with in themselves that was the cause of it. It is also a defense mechanism, to ensure survival, for children to trust adult, especially parents. As such mom and dad aren't wrong, and what they believe the children will also believe.

Damn this is the most intelligent post you have ever written in any board. See, you are not such a bad guy after all.

 

[blackram]

Sounds like this woman had a form of postpartum depression.

 

[Bridgette_xo]

Sounds like this woman had a form of postpartum depression.

For thirty years..

 

[SillyGirl]

Yes, kids are perceptive...And also sadly egocentrical. So the question I pose is not 'did they know' but 'what did they perceive?"

My belief is that they knew she didn't love them, but felt it was some inherent flaw(s) with in themselves that was the cause of it. It is also a defense mechanism, to ensure survival, for children to trust adult, especially parents. As such mom and dad aren't wrong, and what they believe the children will also believe.

Agreed. Kids think everything is their fault.

Sounds like this woman had a form of postpartum depression.

I'm not sure she had clinical postpartum, but agree for sure she was depressed. Who wouldn't be, doing a 24/7 demanding thankless job that she didn't want?


[h=2][/h]

[h=2][/h]

 

[blackram]

For thirty years..

Yup, because undiagnosed postpartum depression remains just good old-fashioned general depression if it remains undiagnosed and untreated. If she went unbalanced after pregnancy without treatment, then she will remain unbalanced for the next 30 years without that treatment. And 30 years ago, they probably didn't diagnose postpartum much, or any other form of depression for that matter.

Also 30 years later, her kids probably hate her, so she hasn't endeared herself to them. The kids probably don't give her any respect, and so she's probably wondering why she bothered raising them. It's probably all built-up and reinforced itself over the years.

 

[blackram]

I'm not sure she had clinical postpartum, but agree for sure she was depressed. Who wouldn't be, doing a 24/7 demanding thankless job that she didn't want?

I'm saying that the reason she didn't want the job was because of the depression, not that she got the depression because of the job. Albeit, if she had postpartum and it remained undiagnosed/untreated, she probably developed it into general depression. Depression feeds upon itself.

 

[SillyGirl]

I'm saying that the reason she didn't want the job was because of the depression, not that she got the depression because of the job. Albeit, if she had postpartum and it remained undiagnosed/untreated, she probably developed it into general depression. Depression feeds upon itself.

Why do you think it was depression that caused her to not want children?

 

[blackram]

Why do you think it was depression that caused her to not want children?

Because she said in the article that she started feeling she made a mistake, after having the children. So presumably, she wanted to have them before that. Pregnancy sucks out a lot of chemicals from a mother's body, anti-depressants are supposed to replenish them, or at least make the body naturally replenish them faster.

 

[SillyGirl]

Didn't the article also say she never wanted children, her husband married her knowing she didn't want children but thought her feelings would change, and that she only had the kids because he wanted them?

I don't disagree with you about the hormonal insanity that is pregnancy and childbirth, and I'm sure that didn't help her situation. But it seems clear that this woman never wanted kids and didn't lie about it. Shame on her husband for giving his children a mother who didn't want them.

 

[blackram]

Didn't the article also say she never wanted children, her husband married her knowing she didn't want children but thought her feelings would change, and that she only had the kids because he wanted them?

Sometimes it's more revealing to read what's between the lines than what she says directly. I'm reading these particular lines: "My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life. ...I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection. I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse."

"I felt no bond", is a classic depression symptom, it means a feeling of numbness. Even though she denies in the article of having postpartum (she called it "post-natal"), it may very well be exactly what she had, she just didn't realize it or get it diagnosed.

As for her "never wanting kids" before that, well she was 22 at the time she had her first. At that age, how many of us ever list "having kids" as our long-term dream? Conversely, it's those of us who hit our late-30's or 40's without having kids who then feel like we always wanted kids, and we feel it must've been our goal since forever.