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Ask the Doctor thread

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Raiden said:
My problem is Dickhead thinks he's in charge. I'll be minding my own business when all of a sudden tap tap tap on my zipper and the little bastard starts dictating my day. The knock knock is me but the tap tap is him. I need a sedative for the little bastard. Actually Primo's snip pic worked today, dickhead shriveled up like a prune and is now taking a nap.

TAP TAP

"did you see Sebelle's rack"

Oh boy, he's awake again.
Click to expand...

This one's an easy fix. Walmart sells decent scissors for a couple of bucks. Use an antiseptic first, of course, such as single-malt whiskey liberally spread around your mouth and gums, then one quick snip and the problem is solved. Oh, if the bleeding gets excessive, either use a bandaid or pour some whiskey on the cut. In the end, you'll feel much better.
 
Mariner said:
Doc, we hear a lot about cutting out salt. When I started looking at labels I was amazed at how easy it is to consume 2-3 times more than the daily suggested amount of 2200 milligrams (one teaspoon). I figure these days I am consuming close to zero salt. Could this also be a bad thing? Is a certain amount needed for some vital functions? Thanks.
Click to expand...

You'll never get to zero salt, as it's used in practically every food there is that's processed or otherwise is not completely untouched. Even then, there's a fair bit of sodium and potassium (the two salts, in their Chloride form, that you need) in natural foods, too. Without salt (sodium and potassium), you die. It's used in all neural pathways. You can't go without salt even if you tried, unless you stop eating and drinking everything but water (and even then, not really)...

Too much salt is a different story, and the evidence is not clear on what reasonably larger amounts than the recommended 2g per day does. Most people have easily double or triple that amount even without adding salt to their foods, simply from their diet. Excessive amounts of salt can cause severe problems, but you have to eat huge amounts of it to cause problems, and you'll be feeling awful long before that happens.

In summary: I don't worry about it. I don't dump a ton of salt on my foods (except fries!) and I am not overly concerned. You shouldn't be, either, unless you are diabetic or have major health problems, in which case, talk to your quack.
 
Hey Doc,
I'm concerned about Miley Cyrus. She seems to have her tongue sticking out more than she keeps it in her mouth.
Do you think she might have strep throat or is it just a symptom of her oral fixation and predilection for giving head?
Is there anything I can do to help?
Thanks,
Lou
 
Lou Siffer said:
Hey Doc,
I'm concerned about Miley Cyrus. She seems to have her tongue sticking out more than she keeps it in her mouth.
Do you think she might have strep throat or is it just a symptom of her oral fixation and predilection for giving head?
Is there anything I can do to help?
Thanks,
Lou
Click to expand...

Miley has a special affliction that hits a small percentage of the population every year: female teenageitis. The symptoms are a desire to show body parts and act out fantasy sex acts without actually knowing what they are doing. There is no cure, but fortunately it does wear off in time. Unfortunately, there are long-lasting side-effects of embarrassment and over-exposure (no pun intended). Typically, those around the afflicted (and their parents) tend to suffer much more than the victim.

In the meantime, you have to suffer along with the rest of us, except when we get the odd boob shot.
 
Doc, my issue is not about me but about a dear old friend. He's aging poorly, he's complaining because he has bat sized hemorrhoids and his utility belt doesn't fit over his hernia anymore. Do you think you can drop by the batcave and see what you can do for the senile old bastard?
 
Robintheboywonder said:
Doc, my issue is not about me but about a dear old friend. He's aging poorly, he's complaining because he has bat sized hemorrhoids and his utility belt doesn't fit over his hernia anymore. Do you think you can drop by the batcave and see what you can do for the senile old bastard?
Click to expand...

We senile old bastards should stick together. However, last time I made a house call at his domicile, there was some batshit really old guy carrying a silver tray with a bottle of Geritol on it, muttering things about "bat droppings" and "stains on the capes" that made no sense to a professional like me. When I finally did find your "friend", he was bent over a table while some really cute chick in a tight-fighting grey pant suit was squeezing Anal Lube on a funny-shaped flashlight. I was about to interrupt when some half-pint guy in a black tuxedo, waddled in, cigarette alight in a long dildo-like holder, quacking away like a duck. At that point I realized I had taken a wrong turn and ended up at the local asylum, so got the hell out before they thought I was an inmate. As I left, the sexy babe was busy screaming "how's this for a bat-pole, you fat old fart" and I heard moaning as the cave doors closed.

Sorry, but your "friend" needs a different kind of help than I can provide. I've alerted the authorities for you. They guys with the nice tight suit will be there later today.
 
Beef Jerky said:
Dr. Silly Girl is in love. Should she have kids with him?.
Click to expand...

You think anything I or anyone else says will have even the slightest influence? Sometimes even dosctors give up!

Love comes and goes. Children just come and cost money forever.
 
Doc, I get sick and feel like throwing up whenever I see the numbers 411. It must be because everytime I call and see the charge for info I feel sick any suggestions.

BTW if you need a cheap hotel room use



Best deal in the country and no shady business practices!!
 
Analme said:
Doc, I get sick and feel like throwing up whenever I see the numbers 411. It must be because everytime I call and see the charge for info I feel sick any suggestions.
Click to expand...

This sounds like a special case I've only seen twice before: a rare allergic reaction to shady business dealings and corrupt practices, spread virally through remote contact with inferior forms of entertainment. Usually, the practitioners are politicians and they seem either immune or too stupid to recognize they are the cause of the reaction, but they just don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. While there's little medical science can offer to cure us of these politicans, there is a solution when you get the reaction from non-politicans. However, it means staying away from (or getting yourself banned to prevent accidental or intentional access) from the carriers of this obnoxious disease to really isolate yourself.

BTW if you need a cheap hotel room use



Best deal in the country and no shady business practices!!
Click to expand...

Personally, I prefer Expedia, but use whatever alternatvie remedy you feel will work well. I once thought about trying a service I heard about on another information board, but with a name that is a rip-off of other sites on the Web I did a little digging and found out they were deceptive in their business practices and immune to criticism. They also had no sense of humour, which indicates low intelligence to go with low morals.

Best solution is to avoid the source as much as you can so you don't get contaminated. We doctors call that the "icky" feeling, but that may be too technical for most laypeople.
 
Doc, I have crushed potato chip crumbs matted in my ass hair, HELP!!!
 
I keep believing I can save the world.

What is wrong with me?.
 
GOD said:
I keep believing I can save the world.

What is wrong with me?.
Click to expand...

Nothing. You CAN save the world. The fact you don't shows how omnipotent you are.

Try Viagra for the Omnipotence.
 
SillyGirl said:
ROFLMFAO!!!! No, absolutely not. At this point in my life I'm impatiently waiting for grandbabies.
Click to expand...

While obstetrics was not my speciality (preferring the "before" to the "after") I assume you have delivered kiddies who can then give you grandkiddies. If not, adoption is a possibility. I hear Guido is looking...
 
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