JOKES / FUNNY STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

[TINY]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes!"

:LMAO::LMAO:

 

[Oilcan]

A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks.

The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.

"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."

Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The womans husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says, "That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."

Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"

"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."

"Thats it, Im kicking his ass."

"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.

"What are you doing? Arent you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband. He replies with, "What are you crazy?? Im not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."

That is bad Damn-Not too smart

 

[Doggie]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[Jesus Quintana]

Did you know: Jimi Hendrix originally spelled his name with a ck? He officially changed his name from Jimick Hendrix in 1964.

 

[George Costanza]

 

[ToyMaker]

 

[Transient]

There he is!

 

[Transient]

 

[HOF]

THE RODEO SONG



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[HOF]

CAT SEX

[video]https://www.vidiload.com/video/109556/Cats_Mating_Gone_Wrong/[/video]​

 

[Esco!]

 

[ChaosTheory]

 

[-b]

:LMAO: I know this well......:LMAO:

 

[Excel]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!

I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

[Raiden]

:LMAO:

 

[Transient]

Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren’t:



1. So…What did you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. You scared me stiff!
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling.
8. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn’t get my mouth around it.
11. She’s a goblin!
12. I’d like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
13. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
14. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
16. Let me see your big sack!
17. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
18. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
19. I got the best piece from that house.
20. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

 

[plumber]

ever hear of sex in 60 seconds..........................got a minute lol

 

[Beef Jerky]

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

 

[HOF]

​

 

[HOF]

I'm in tears laughing my ass off!​