Cardinal Fang's Advice Thread

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Dear Fang...Madman is having a break down because he wants to run this thread too
How can I make him feel better....No sex with me...

As for me which woman should I see.....And someone alive....Thank You very much....

 

[Madman]

Dear Fang...Madman is having a break down because he wants to run this thread too
How can I make him feel better....No sex with me...

As for me which woman should I see.....And someone alive....Thank You very much....

That's a lie!! Cardinal has a 4 day response time before I am forced to implement "squatter rights". Now Fang being a man of the cloth I will let him go one extra day but that's IT! One more thing, it's me that has to agree to have sex with you not the other way around. What kind of guy do you take me for, a lush, a slut , a Jezebel madman? I don't go around sticking my manhood into just any hole...NOW get back to dusting dammit!!

Cardinal, how does one find good help PLEASE??

 

[Transient]

Cardinal, how does one find good help PLEASE??

First off, don't hire this guy!

 

[Oilcan]

First off, don't hire this guy!

LMAO, looks like Fang doesn't do weekends :NoNoNo:

 

[Guido]

:LMAO::LMAO: Cardinal how do I stop from pissing my pants I can't stop laughing!!!!

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Bless me Cardinal for I have sinned, my sins are that if I'm not fucking I'm masturbating...

That's nothing to worry about my son. If I'm not masturbating I'm also not farking. That is a true sin.

I undress and see every woman that walks by me naked....in a crowd if given the chance I will cop a feel..... I'm I a sinner, do I need to serve penance?

The fact that you've decided to post on this board and bare your soul is penance enough. I think it's important to understand the reason behind your thoughts. Your're a pervert with an overactive libido. It like your hair will eventually fade. When I look at a very attractive lady walk by I have Stacy and Clinton from "What Not to Wear" going through my head.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Cardinal Fang, I shot another 130 today on the golf course.

Can you help me fix my game. I'm a hacker :sorry2:

First how did you manage to shoot 130? I would think that after you picked off the first 5 people in the gallery that the police would waste not time in stopping you. I'll never understand this farking sport of Golf. You're obviously powering through the stroke and getting under your balls too much. This transfers all the weight in the stroke to the ground rather than the balls themselves. You definitely need more practice. I would suggest doing the full motion of the stroke slowly. Come close but don't actually make contact with the balls. Do this and very the speed of the stroke as you progress. This will give your arms, hands and shoulders learn the proper muscle memory for the perfect. Only then will be ready to actually make contact with the balls properly.

If it sounds like I'm giving you a play by play to masturbate you would be correct because proper masturbation is fun while playing Golf is simply frustrating.

Any tips on improving my swing.

Make sure you have a soft base of sod under the swing. Make sure that the chain is in good condition and above all else make sure the seat is securely fastened to the chain. The frame that holds the swing should at times be securely fastened to the ground. Above all else NO UNDERGROUND PUSHING!

Your "okay-edness" (because you haven't proven to be very excellent yet) what do you recommend as a venue for a first date with someone who is half your age?

YET!

Are you kidding me? How is it my fault that you can't see the wisdom of my advice you absent minded Savior! You been using your up bringing by that Virgin and Carpenter to gain pity from the world all these years and I'm not buying that any longer. I'm sure you claimed those gifts from the Wisemen on your tax returns eh? I BET YOU DID! And the walking on water thingy? Please Chris Angel has been doing that for years!

With respect to your question take her to a strip club. Chicks dig it.

 

[jumpingjackflash]

My question is simple. How does one get laid on a Sunday evening??

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Cardinal Fang, what is the safe parboiling temperature of squid? Hmmmmmm

(safe for the consumer, not the squid)

*Mental Note: SillyGirl needs should be banned for two days for the squid sperm post.*

In order not to leave calamari connoisseurs unduly freaked out, I should clarify two points. First, most Western squid preparations remove the internal organs and serve only the muscle, so there's no danger of accidentally ingesting spermatophores. Second, it's perfectly fine to handle spermatophores--just don't put them in your mouth like Madman does. The skin on your hands, and most of the rest of your body, is much too thick to get stuck. I've probably had hundreds of spermatophores ejaculate on my fingers and never felt a sting.

Ok I will admit that last sentence is gross.

If I should choose to explore my carnal side this weekend, would you have any suggestions? Samantha Nd her partner? Winter, Erin, Bridgette, Adrianna? What should I look for?

Not seeing any of those women and only masturbating to their pictures with extreme predjudice I would suggest going with Samantha and Erin. I would also recommend you all wear clown costumes and full make up. This serves to make the entire event kinky and humiliating at the same time. As you can tell I really don't care because I'm jealous you're even contemplating this endeavour. I hope your dicks falls off you lucky bastard.

Any advice should I find myself in the arms of a wanton woman?

 

[Cardinal Fang]

The Psalms were written in 1000 BC. How did Jesus get in the Psalms?

Jesus has always had a great booking agent.

 

[Blank_Dave]

Get laid already,

Consider it done.

 

[Art Mann]

In that case, congrats Dave.

 

[Robintheboywonder]

Its about time Dave!!

Yes he was getting long in the tooth and I found his punches no longer had the "BAM" it once delivered. A bigger question is whether or not Robin has finally embraced the ersatz homo-erotic relationship he had with Batman.

NO, there was nothing going on between Batman and myself. I was banging Batgirl in the batcave under the computer late one night and heard groaning noises coming from the bat closet. About 30 minutes later as Batgirl was giving me head with some ball licking I looked up and seen Batman and Alfred come out of the closet.

Now, I've been offered a gig by Mr. Freeze. Do you think I should accept the job Cardinal?Hmmmmmm

 

[HOF]

What's your advice on stopping stuttering?.

da, da, da, da, jus shut da fuk up, ya stammerin' bastid! Jus kiddin'

 

[HOF]

My question is simple. How does one get laid on a Sunday evening??

 

[HOF]

Mr. Fang, do you think that bazerkoff-hole will reconsider acceptance of my friend request? I want to get to Ida Ho luva lotta cock in da azz!

 

[HOF]

Its about time Dave!!



NO, there was nothing going on between Batman and myself. I was banging Batgirl in the batcave under the computer late one night and heard groaning noises coming from the bat closet. About 30 minutes later as Batgirl was giving me head with some ball licking I looked up and seen Batman and Alfred come out of the closet.

Now, I've been offered a gig by Mr. Freeze. Do you think I should accept the job Cardinal?Hmmmmmm

You lie and batgirl is underage!

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Dear Fang...Madman is having a break down because he wants to run this thread too
How can I make him feel better....No sex with me...

Put a nice velour track suit on him. I find that velour feels soothing to the touch.

As for me which woman should I see.....And someone alive....Thank You very much....

I'm going to need more information Blissful. Are you referring to people on this board or females in general?

Cardinal, how does one find good help PLEASE??

I'm back you insufferable consanguineous flatworm! You question poses an interesting dilemma Madman. I'd like to answer it however I feel compelled to merely dismiss it as the antics of a LOON-natic. I was channeling Bazerko just there. Look in the classifieds section Madman.

LMAO, looks like Fang doesn't do weekends

Also don't do windows and tiny women pretending to be Amish but what's that got to do with anything other than my overactive imagination?

NO, there was nothing going on between Batman and myself. I was banging Batgirl in the batcave under the computer late one night and heard groaning noises coming from the bat closet. About 30 minutes later as Batgirl was giving me head with some ball licking I looked up and seen Batman and Alfred come out of the closet.

Whatever makes you sleep at night Boy-Blunder.

Now, I've been offered a gig by Mr. Freeze. Do you think I should accept the job Cardinal?

First of all you can't sing. Never have so don't fool yourself little guy. Secondly, given Mr. Freeze's background you’re going to have to ditch your nylons and get into a warm leotard. That will undoubtedly make you look fat and you know how self conscience you are. It took you two months and me 4 weeks of therapy to recover from that wardrobe malfunction you had in front of Bitch Woman.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Mr. Fang, do you think that bazerkoff-hole will reconsider acceptance of my friend request? I want to get to Ida Ho luva lotta cock in da azz!

Unlikely. I think the two of you need to mend some fences before this can happen. Coming together for a common task is the best way to deal with your differences together. I'll send the both of you my contact information for next weekend. I have a wooden fence that needs repair. At the very least if you turn the hammers on each other it would be dinner theatre for me.

You lie and batgirl is underage!

Well that's not exactly true but I do believe she has exaggerated her age in her ads on Backpage by at least 5 years.

 

[IFUSEEKAMY]

Dear Fang,
I desperately need your sage advice on a really important matter.
What color should I paint my nails this week?

Oh also another one....I have a contact in my phone labelled xxWhitePanties. There are over a dozen phone numbers saved under this contact name since the person will hound me with texts and voicemails every few months with multiple numbers at a time hoping for an answer to his question that he always ends up asking thus giving his identity away: "Will you wear white cotton panties for me?" I ignore him. He eventually goes away after a week or so. This last month however he has not left me alone. I am probably ignoring other people calling simply because they unfortunately called within minutes of his several numbers leaving me a voicemail. Normally, I'd change my number at this point but I'm tired of doing that. Do you think if I sent him a picture of my lil tushy wearing white satin panties, he'd resolve his desperation and go away?

Thanks,
Amy