- Thread starter dirtyman
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BiteTheDust
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A
Al Bumin
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DannyDeVito
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Lightspeed
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:NoNoNo:
An old Jewish man is put into a nursing home but all the Jewish ones are full so he goes into a Catholic home.
He's there for a week and his kids come to visit.
"dad, how do you like it here?"
"Oh its great! you know the best part? the respect.
There's one guy here, he was a dentist, you know what everyone calls him? Doc.
Another guy was a priest, everyone calls him father.
And me? i haven't had sex in 25 years, you know what they call me?
The fucking Jew"
He's there for a week and his kids come to visit.
"dad, how do you like it here?"
"Oh its great! you know the best part? the respect.
There's one guy here, he was a dentist, you know what everyone calls him? Doc.
Another guy was a priest, everyone calls him father.
And me? i haven't had sex in 25 years, you know what they call me?
The fucking Jew"
ConquerorRyan
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- Joined
- Jul 30, 2013
- Messages
- 495
Lame Jokes 
Lame Jokes
- A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and hit the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high!!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field
- Did ya know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans
- A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!" The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten- Tickles
- When I heard oxygen eloped with magnesium I was all like OMg
- I got an invite to a wedding that said "black tie only". But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos
- What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador
- Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent
-What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large
-What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
-What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback
Lame Jokes
- A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and hit the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high!!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field
- Did ya know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans
- A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!" The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten- Tickles
- When I heard oxygen eloped with magnesium I was all like OMg
- I got an invite to a wedding that said "black tie only". But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos
- What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador
- Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent
-What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large
-What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
-What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback
U
User-E
Guest
I laughed. :biggrin2:
P
Prick
Guest
Lame :no:
A carrot and a lettuce walked into a bar for a drink.
A cabbage walked in a bit later and, seeing the lettuce, says, "You are one really ugly bitch." The lettuce starts to cry.
The carrot gets up and walks over to the cabbage and challenges him, "You can't talk to my friend that way."
The cabbage hauls off and hits him and the carrot falls down unconscious.
A while later the carrot wakes up and he's obviously in a hospital bed...
The doctor comes in and says, "Well we were able to put you back together and repair most of the damage, however,
you'll be a vegetable for the rest of your life."
A cabbage walked in a bit later and, seeing the lettuce, says, "You are one really ugly bitch." The lettuce starts to cry.
The carrot gets up and walks over to the cabbage and challenges him, "You can't talk to my friend that way."
The cabbage hauls off and hits him and the carrot falls down unconscious.
A while later the carrot wakes up and he's obviously in a hospital bed...
The doctor comes in and says, "Well we were able to put you back together and repair most of the damage, however,
you'll be a vegetable for the rest of your life."
B
Boing
Guest
:biggrin2:
T
TINY
Guest
Ms. Sarah said:
Me too :biggrin2:
ConquerorRyan
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2013
- Messages
- 495
papasmerf said:
lol copy and paste is difficult at times
W
Wanker
Guest
ConquerorRyan said:lol copy and paste is difficult at times
It takes talent :biggrin2:
So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes.
The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside.
My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart.
And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same digusting, snivelling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes.
The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside.
My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart.
And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same digusting, snivelling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
