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Just bad jokes thread.
- Thread starter dirtyman
- Start date
[h=2]I have a frog in the back[/h] A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
[h=2]Girl comes in for a Checkup[/h] A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
[h=2]Lesbian "what do you call" humor[/h]
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
4. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
5. What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends? A Bush Hog
6. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
7. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
8. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
4. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
5. What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends? A Bush Hog
6. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
7. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
8. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
[h=2]Wife Control[/h] There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
Oil Change instructions for Women:
Oil Change instructions for Men:
[h=5]Money spent:[/h]
- Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
- 15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
- Oil Change: $40.00
- Coffee: $2.00
- Total: $42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
- Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
- Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under caravan.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
- Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
- Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
- Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
- Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Drink beer.
- Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
- Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
- Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
- Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
- Begin swearing fit.
- Throw stupid crescent wrench.
- Beer.
- Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Beer.
- Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
- Beer.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
- Beer.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car is impounded.
- Call loving wife, make bail.
- 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
[h=5]Money spent:[/h]
- Parts: $50.00
- DUI: $2500.00
- Impound fee: $75.00
- Bail: $1500.00
- Beer: $40.00
- Total: $4,185.00
[h=2]Types of Men You Might See in the Men's Restroom[/h]
* EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
* SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
* CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
* TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
* INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
* CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
* WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
* FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
* ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
* CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
* SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
* PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
* DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
* TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
* FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
* LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
* DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
* DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
* CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
* RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
* EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
* SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
* CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
* TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
* INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
* CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
* WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
* FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
* ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
* CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
* SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
* PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
* DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
* TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
* FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
* LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
* DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
* DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
* CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
* RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.
Single Black Female....
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play,
long walks in the woods, riding in your pick-up,
hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire, and candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work
wearing only what nature gave me.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
The above was a real ad placed in the Atlanta Journal
Personal Column......
Over 150 men called about this ad and found themselves
talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week
old Black Labrador Retriever...named Daisy!
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play,
long walks in the woods, riding in your pick-up,
hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire, and candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work
wearing only what nature gave me.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
The above was a real ad placed in the Atlanta Journal
Personal Column......
Over 150 men called about this ad and found themselves
talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week
old Black Labrador Retriever...named Daisy!
[h=2]Politically Correct Descriptions For Men[/h]He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
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